Powelly - Thats FANTASTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope you are having a better day. God knows I have those days. You just think of the end result and it just seems so foggy. It is hard to keep confidence with your ability to trudge on. But we need to huh?
AFM - I am being driven INSANE. These cheapo Ebay tests are still showing me a BFN when I am now 3 days late. and I am NEVER late. GAH........
Powelly - test results sound great. I hope AF has calmed down.
Tess - that must be frustrating. Maybe it's time to break out the big guns and buy a First Response?
AFM - I finally got an +ve OPK, so am waiting for a temp rise tomorrow or Friday. I know it's kind of a waste of money, given we're not TTC yet, but I'm a control freak and I need to know if things are working. Also, I got them on sale - 7 for $10 at priceline, so I can justify that.
We caught up with friends over the weekend for lunch. Their baby girl was born 2 weeks before DS. It was nice to meet her and hold her, but it was difficult too. DH's friend was asking lots of qustions, trying to understand what we're going through. I don't know, it felt like an intellectual exercise for him. I know he meant well, but it's really hard talking about our son like that. Then "Somewhere over the Rainbow" came on and I lost it. I had to run down to the bathroom and have a cry. We played that song at Leo's funeral. I was embarassed but at the same time, I don't want to feel like I need to apologise for missing my son. Then later that night I had another meltdown. I think keeping the defences up when we see people takes energy out of me and the longer I do it, the worse the meltdown afterwards.
Tashybabe - I just want to give you a big hug hun, you need to be kind to yourself. It is still so recent since you lost little Leo, that it is not surprising you had such a meltdown. It would have been very hard to have been around your friend's baby, and it is quite natural for you to feel overwhelmed. I found that songs triggered me as well, and for a while I only listened to the news channel, or channel surfed when a song came on that triggered an emotional response in me. You are so right about taking the energy to be around others which ends up in a big crash. I found accepting that as part of the grieving process made it easier for me. At least your friend acknowledged your pain and maybe he thought having you talk about it might help him understand and therefore help (guys want to fix things) and maybe help you too. Many friends of ours, and family, have never spoken about Ryan to us again after the initial 'telling'. I used to think that was because they were uncomfortable about it, and they probably were, but also because they thought we didn't want to talk about it, and we didn't for quite a while. I am not sure when that changes, but it will, and I can now talk about him to close friends and family without collapsing into a dark hole for days after. It will happen for you too. In the meantime, do something for yourself that makes you happy, even if it is just to see a movie, or walk in the park, something that makes you smile - it really helps the soul.
Powelly, that is great news from your ob/gyn. Now it's time to think lucky! Sending you lots of babydust!
Ladytess - how are you going hun? Has AF stayed away for you? FX and stickyvibes coming your way.
Kateo - great news on the new FS. It can make a world of difference having someone you can relate to and respects your questions and concerns. I wish you truckloads of luck!
Gigi - hope all is well with you hun.
AFM, sorry I have been MIA... we have been so busy but I have been thinking I must let you all know what's going on. Pick up was Monday and we had great results and 2 blasts were transferred Saturday. We will have some frosties in the freezer as well as a backup, which is nice and a first.
So I am PUPO! It was quite emotional for me, so I am very glad to have had acupuncture before and after the transfer as that really helped with my emotions. I spent the afternoon lying in bed watching a movie and eating some amazing pastries that DH picked up - he's fantastic! We are both very happy that we went down this track.
Ok I have a lot of catching up to do. I feel like i have been hooked up to this computer all day. All worth it to chat with you ladies.
Where do i start and i hope i don't miss anyone.
Dory and Beata- Nice to hear from you both, dropping by- you both have such wisdom and love to give.
Kate- Love- what a horrible experience with your carers. I just can't believe that. I respect you might have moved on and I am catching up. I am just struck with astonishment that they got away with that behaviour. I am SO SO glad you have found someone else and even more perfect for the job. What a blessing in diguise!! You don't need to stand for that previous rubbish. I second Cheza's words!! If any comfort to you love, I am petrified of needles and hospitals. I was set up for a home birth for DD before it all went pear shaped. I keep a stash of Emla cream in my fridge for jabs when I am not pregnant of course. I always end up in tears for needles. I am a shocker but it is a real big fear for me...that and the dentist! I am not very fearful of anything else really...ok maybe there are a few more things...but hey I am not loopy either hun. I am as normal as it gets. So you are not alone there.
Great advice re the % and stats hun. I have always said...when you are on the other side of that sort of thing and the stas have 'touched' you, they mean nothing. Life is a game of chance, and we can make of it what we want. We are all unique...i hear you- well said love.
I am sure Ellan is real proud of her mumma!
Chez, Hey love, Hope you are hanging in there hun. How did the assignment go? Been thinking of you and your journey. Sending you lots of love and luck. xoxoxo
Powelly, good on you for taking that month of rest hun...good on you for welcoming it. Now you are even more ready to throw yourself back in. Great news on the results love and hope it gives you the boost you need to tackle this head on. xoxoxo
Tash- i just read your story on Leo hun, beautifully written with such strength and grace. You are incredible. I really felt your moment, your love and your pain, as much as anyone can without being in your shoes. What i mean to say is, your heart was open as you wrote and it was just awe inspiring. So so normal to have those feelings re boy and girls. You will find it is exactly the same as before Leo but with more gravity. I wanted both, found out we were having a girl and fell in love with the idea. The day we found out she was a girl was also the day we found out she will not make it to the end. She would never breath, run and giggle like other little girls. Losing her, I couldn't imagine anything other than having a girl. I had the same fears or replacing her but i knew that was not a reality. We are not all crazy and these thoughts in time make sense. I was not ready to start straight away...we made love for the first time on her EDD. We were not ready but we knew it was not goig to be straight forward for us so we started trying anyway. We figured that we had the pressure of time, sooner was better than later for my endo and my body. Spiritually we were not ready until we would have been shoudl she have survived. We can see now and comfort ourselves by thinking that we needed this time with her...she fills our life. It is the same as if she survivied and we were having a second living child. Some can do that- we couldn't. I think I would have collapsed. So she would be of an age now that I could consider having another. That is where we are at. I have always been told that our next child will be a boy. A part of me aches for a girl, I ache for my DD. I have also known the love of little boys as full on as my nephew has been. I see that i could love a little boy just as much as a girl. I just miss my little girl. She will never be replaced but i do crave to know exactly what i am missing. Sometimes i crave that grief. It is as close as i can get to her.
I part of me died with DD too hun. I get that. I am different now. I hope a better person with just as much to give, but what i can give has changed. I found myself recently getting all upset and angry. Our week in melbourne, was fantastic by the way. It was also a challenge and a week of self discovery for me. We have not spent a lot of time with these people in a while and they are beautiful and loving people who will be in our life forever. A lot has changed for us since our times with them...i found myself being quite judgemental and angry at how they and their friends are so obsessed over things that used to have some importance to us. Image, who you know, what you know, where you eat, what you do....honestly who gives a s....! I got so upset at various times of the opinionated rubbish that people carry on with about such shallow things. WHO CARES! Says she who is being quite judgemental and opinionated here herself! Oh dear. I just feel that life is precious and love is paramount.
I agree with TEss. Who cares what someone is wearing or what they do for a living and whether or not they can hold a rubbish conversation with big words! Ha...got that out now didn't i! What i mean to say is...I get you! Now i will leave the exclaimation marks alone and move on.
Oh and i agree on the comment you made re spending time with others can be so draining of strength. I have learnt about myself that to exist in the world as other would like me to means i have to spend more time alone and with DH honouring us and our life with DD. If the balance becomes too much out of kitler, it all falls apart and I find myself in troubled times. Finding your balance takes time. I try not to resent others for not wanting to exist in our world, not even for a minute but i cant' wish that on them either. It is a different existance -life after losing a child. It can get lonely and very isolating.
Wishes and hugs to you hun. You are just incredible. xoxoxo
Tess, Yes that spirit baby book is a great read and a huge comfort to us too. PTSD is not recognised in parents going through this nearly as much as it should be. You are doing so well and I am sure Matthew is fluttering by you for every moment. I hope you get to take your time with your new role as Aunty- congratulations by the way. It is a bitter sweet situation and I hope you have understandin around you at this time. Your comments on life are so well writen and well put- i totally and passionately agree as you might have read above.
Thinking of you.
AFM- Well I am having a bit of a rocky couple of days here. Missing my angel like crazy. Dumbfounded still that her name is rarely mentioned and all but on one occasion, we are the ones to bring her up all the time. My SIL was saying some things...not mean, just not thoughtful to how it might feel for me...last week. I have got used to grinning and bearing it. Nothing is said that warrants a blasting or a few words, but it still cuts. The things that are said put a big spolight on the huge reminders to us that DD is not here and not a part of other people lives as we would have hoped. However on this occasion, she walked away to change my N's nappy, and came back with a tear in her eye. She said she was sorry to not include DD in her words and that of course she is a valid member of the family. She said she tells My N of her all the time and I know that might not be true but it was lovely to here. I just broke down into tears and thanked her. She said she understand that there is never a day that we don't live for her and she said i was such a loving mum to remember her the way i do. I really really needed to hear that.
I am legend aunty on call for babysitting and cuddles, chats and fun times. I am proud of that. I am also a mum but my relationship with my child is different to theirs. I talk to them about their babies all the time no matter how painful that can get. It woul dbe nice to have one or two conversations about our child. I was really grateful for that, someone else giving time, energy and tears for our DD. That is rare now. I thin I am a bit anxious coming up to Christmas. When this year is gone, I can no longer say we lost our child LAST year...more time will have passed. I miss her so much and Christmas is hard. I will make her a stocking for this year and we will do what we did last, add a note each day for her and read them out on xmas day. All the thougths and gifts we would have bought her leading up to that time. We will jsut e alone that day again. I think that is still what is best for us.
Anyway- we are still on track for stalk delivery and all is good in our world. Busy week ahead. I am not sure why we get so busy towards the end of the year...it is like we are in a rush to complete everything under the sun. That is fine. A new year and a new baby is on the way. Lots of good thing to come. Girls thank you so much for all your love and support, understanding and friendship. Love and hope to you all.
Nice to have you back Gi! And sounding as positive as ever. Throw some of that my way hun! Fingers crossed for you. 2011 is going to be our year!
Chez, I'm interested in hearing more about the acupuncture? It's something that interests me as since we lost our bub, I've experienced ongoing anxiety and I'm sure it's not helping my crusade of having a sticky baby! Does it hurt? How long etc? Sending positive vibes to you!!!
Ladytess! Way to keep us hanging! How did you go? Did you end up getting your BFP? I always recommend using the good tests rather than sending yourself crazy squinting at the cheapies.
Tashybabe - take care of yourself and nurture yourself. It's still so fresh and you just do what you need to get through this time of grief. As for the OPK's. I use the Ovunow from ebay an they are brilliant! I've used other cheapies and they have been crappy but Ovunow (or Ovutel) are good. They are green sticks.
AS FOR ME! Well, AF finally left me (after 11 friggin days!) and we are on track to TTC again this month even though emotionally I'm not sure I can throw myself in 100%. That sounds terrible but it's too exhausting getting my hopes so high. I don't even want to POAS anymore because if I miscarry again so early, I'd rather not know. To top it off, I've had a nasty cold/sinus infection for the last week and it's made me feel pretty dreadful. BUT, have to remain a little optimistic!
Hey Powelly,
Good riddens AF. Glad she is out of here hun. Do rest up sweety, you sound run down and exhausted. It is so so tiring- not many understand that, you will get to the other side hun. I promise. Your body might be ready and raring to go but your heart needs time to mend. Travel easy hun and just have some fun and loving times getting back to the swing of things. You are so so brave hun. xoxoxo
I am an ebay Ov stick user too. Thay have been good for me. xxxx
Well I am rising from the depths of disbelief and Sickness to finally be able to post. That fat cow turned up 3 days late, I was absolutly shattered. I was SO SURE!!! I know we just keep moving forward but I am finding it harder every month to find the enthusiasm as it take so much out of me by the end of the month.
Right after this however I was introduced to my new neice, (she is very very cute) but the damage I didnt know that was going to occur was when I got there I found her mum had that nasty Gastro bug. I was in my element, my mother instinct took over, I had my newborn. I was doing everything for her except the feeds as my sister in law was too scared do to much with her in case Ally was to get it off her. I did this day and night till Sunday. I didnt feel the tugging till sunday night, My arms were empty again I was shattered again. Then of course the bug had to hit my house.... so we have been in lock down for the last week.
GiGi - I know how you feel, as time goes on matthews name gets mentioned less and less, in circles you would think he would be mentioned more than most. You see it in peoples eyes when they realise THEY have forgotten. A look mixed with guilt and "when is it going to be like it was" you feel like shaking them and saying, it will never be the same NEVER NEVER EVER. Then if we are talking to others, and we are talking about births or kids etc, and we mention Matthew? you can see then shift uncomfortably. I realise they are not sure what to say, but i am not stopping speaking his name just to make everyone else feel comfortbale. Thats why I got my tatto, it isnt hidden, everyone can see it because it will never be "put away" His photos is on the tv unit with his ashes. I refuse to pop him away to make people feel comfortable.
Powelly: Gosh 11 days???? she really outstayed her welcome this month didnt she??? I can so understand your words when you describe getting your hopes up and how exhausting it is... I think this last month was a eye opener for me. For the first time since Feb I sat there in tears thinking what am I gonna do if I CANT get preg again? and the thought itself just ripped at my heart. I cant even bear to think of it. But I am also tired, it has only been 6 months of trying, but for some those six months are an eternity.
Chez: you sound wonderfully relaxed... Good on Hubby with the pastries... WOOT
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I just want to give you a big hug hun, you need to be kind to yourself. It is still so recent since you lost little Leo, that it is not surprising you had such a meltdown. It would have been very hard to have been around your friend's baby, and it is quite natural for you to feel overwhelmed. I found that songs triggered me as well, and for a while I only listened to the news channel, or channel surfed when a song came on that triggered an emotional response in me. You are so right about taking the energy to be around others which ends up in a big crash. I found accepting that as part of the grieving process made it easier for me. At least your friend acknowledged your pain and maybe he thought having you talk about it might help him understand and therefore help (guys want to fix things) and maybe help you too. Many friends of ours, and family, have never spoken about Ryan to us again after the initial 'telling'. I used to think that was because they were uncomfortable about it, and they probably were, but also because they thought we didn't want to talk about it, and we didn't for quite a while. I am not sure when that changes, but it will, and I can now talk about him to close friends and family without collapsing into a dark hole for days after. It will happen for you too. In the meantime, do something for yourself that makes you happy, even if it is just to see a movie, or walk in the park, something that makes you smile - it really helps the soul.
I was shattered again. Then of course the bug had to hit my house.... so we have been in lock down for the last week.
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