Hubby and I have been TTC for about 7 months continuously now.
I'm finding that many people are thinking that I'm trying to make it like Zach was never here. Trying to have another babe in his place even my mum has said this.
It's been 4 years in June since my little Zachy was taken away so soon. (a day before my bday)
Why can people be so insensitive?
I'm not TTC another baby to forget Zach ever existed I'm doing it because I want a family with my DH.
Melzi...i am not familiar with your story, so forgive me until I find it. Welcome and so sorry you have had to find us. Congratulations on becoming a mummy and my heart breaks for you that your Zach had to leave so soon. Zach is one of our favourite boys names and if our DD was a boy- his name would have been Zach. Beautiful, strong name for your angel.
I have no idea how your family and friends are even considering that you are replacing your baby boy. That is just ludicrous (sp?), and insensitive. It is reasonable to want a family with your husband! Most people do. Maybe they misplace their worry for you...i don't know. I am sorry your support network are not supporting you as you need. You have us. I hope they all come around.
One of my fears is that if we fall pregnant again, they everyone will think we are fixed! Nothing changes what has happened and having a baby will not remove Zach from your life, or your memories. Just not possible.
Good on you for continueing to grow your family...losing a child is one of the most frightening and heartbreaking experiences a mother could have, then to put yourself out there again, to face all those fears and experiences head on, is one of the most couragous. xoxo Some people are ready straight away and others need to wait...we are all capable of knowing when the time is right for us as individual mothers.
Skybie- My brave brave girl. That was s huge thing to do and you managed to do it with such grace and courage. The raw emotion of our men has the power to break our hearts all over again...your words rang so true to me.
I never actually did that...posted in birth stories...i have hidden in my blog and this very thread. I was a bit scared to do it. I might just follow in your foot steps one of these days. Irrationally so, i feared it being too long, too emotional and too dramatic. I feared it would not be received well.
I forgot to say...at DD's funeral we released butterflies too and our butterfly flew from the box, touched DH, touched me, touched the flowers on DD's coffin and then flew off. We were floored by it too. I truely believe it was significant. It was just beautiful and helped us a lot. xoxo
Gigi, im 100% positive your story wont be percieved that way at all. everyone like me will be in awe of your strength to wait and allow your body to do what it was ment to. I remember reading your blog on here, being amazed at everything you and your husband went through to concieve your baby girl. i cant believe its been 2 years.
Melzi, i'm so so sorry people are being so insensitive. You could go on to have 20 children, not one of them would ever replace Zach, nor would they be bought into this world to replace him. people dont realise the fear that goes into even considering having another baby, none of us are innocent anymore, i wish we were, i wish we could all be niave and think that being pregnant = a take home baby. but we know its not like that unfortunately. Big hugs to u, u do what u need to do for your family, dont listen to the negativity from others, until they walk in your shoes they shouldnt say anything
ok...I am back. That will have to be my last story for today. Thank you for sharing Melzi. It helps to know I am not alone. I think that was what i feared posting my long winded story...i feared people would think i was shopping for sympathy. It is not that at all, I crave her and talking about her reminds me she existed -sometimes i need that. Our stories are what they are...writing them down, i have come to realise, helps us AND it also helps others.
People are going to misunderstand sometimes...this can't be avoided. So brave and beautiful in it's own way. Thank you hun, xoxo
I better run.
Thank you girls for letting us in to such a private part of your lives. xoxoxo
Gi - .... I just sat looking at the monitor a while before I could type - your last day with DD is just truly beautiful.... thankyou so much for sharing. But I have to run.
Powelly - I am ever so pleased.
Lady Tess - thinking of you.
Skybie - welcome, hugs but I am so sorry I do have to dash.
Welcome back sweets...run hun. Catch up later.
xoxo
Well as for me...I am thinking of raising a puppy for guide dogs qld. I have looked into it, Dh is happy to give it a go and I have asked for permission from our land lord. Fingers crossed they let us, you never know. We thought it might be perfect for us. Yes we have to give it back...but it doesn't die, it goes to a home and impacts a life in such an incredible way, becomes someones best friend.
We thought it might also be a bit of a practise run to see if we still have it in us to have a baby...well without the financial pressure. Also something for us to have...that is ours, even for a short time. We can prepare for the end as much as possible even though it will be hard regardless of our intentions. I thought also it might help with my depression and give us something to parent and love. It might even help us fall pregnant. I know it will raise our spirits.
I think i could be just what we need right now. xoox
Gi - thankyou... thinking of you today.... and raising a guide dog to be, sounds awesome.... it will be hard, but very rewarding and might just do the trick. FX for landlords permission... I for one would never suspect that you were seeking sympathy..... that is not how you carry and honour the memory of your DD at all. Not in the slightest.. you carry her memory with grace and dignity and a deep abiding love. We all need some gentle understanding and tender care, but that is a long way from seeking sympathy. But when everything is so topsy turvey, it's so easy to doubt ourselves.... this I know. Don't be so hard on yourself.... though this too I know is so easy to do. Hugs my dear.
Melzi - I am sorry in my rush yesterday that I didn't welcome you.... I have posted on Zach's thread and got confused.
Skybie - thankyou for posting Jack;s link - I will read it and I will be humbled by it and amazed. I am looking forward to it.
Anyway, I am in a position where I have to dash again. So sorry, it's not meant to be disrespectful to you.
Just popping my head in, I really dont feel I have alot to add atm.
Af has returned; right on time too even though the FS said it could take awhile after the m/c. Had to come on the day I work (Im a swim teacher). So its going to be a fun shift.
We go back to see Dr Sacks tomorrow. I have this irrational fear that he is going to tell us losing all these pregnancies has just been pure bad luck and there is nothing he can do for us. Ive already decided that we wont be TTC again anytime soon if thats the case, I just dont think I could deal with anymore miscarriages right now. I think its likely we'll settle for 3 happy kids and leave it at that. I just feel pushing our luck will end up with even worse consequences, like a later loss than what we've already had. Silly I know but its at the back of my mind. My heart is broken enough from the miscarriages, I am endlessly amazed at all your courage and strength and determination girls dealing with TTC after late losses (and I mean that in the most respectful way!)
Skybie, Ive been following your story since we heard of little Jack's arrival here. I cant say anthing to make it better so I wont, will just send you lots of .
AF is killin me today. Cd3 and wishing o would hurry up. DH leaves for work in a week and a half. I doubt we will have a chance unless he stays. And he will when we find out how many holidays he has.
Hope you're all well.
It still hurts today but not as raw as yesterday. Xxxx
Just quickly from me again - GL Freya with your appointment today with Dr S. Hope you get some information to help you along.
Melzi - also wanted to say, when people say hurtful things like "your're trying to replace Zach"... they just don't know any better, and in a way half their luck, it means they have never walked this path. Anyone who has walked the path of being a bereaved parent knows all too well, there is no such thing as "replacement". Zach was much loved, much adored and wanted in his own right. And so will be his sibling... I think people's ignorance stems from the fact that either they don't see our wee ones as people ( and that can depend on their relgious views) or they didn't get to see them, hold them and know them the way we did, and at the end of it all, they are not the mother or father to a wee one. We know our children are all to real to us, irrespective of how we get to parent them, here or in absentia.
Just a quicky as I am not much use to anyone today. Had a fever last night and didn't get to sleep until 4.30am, so i am back to bed in a sec. Feel a bit rotten for the lack of sleep but not sure why the fever...my body is fighting someone.
Wanted to come in and wish Freya luck. Melzi a hug and you other girls a hug too.
But most of all to wish Cheryl's baby Ryan a Happy 2nd Birthday. Thinking of you today hun and when i wake up i will light the little man a candle. Hope you have a special day remembering his life. xoxooxox
Chez - oh sweetie - thinking of you and Ryan today.... ( thanks Gi for reminding me).... sending you all my love and thinking of your beautiful boy. I am with Gi, I will be lighting a candle to honour your wee boy.
Chez - A big happy birthday to your treasured boy. Hope you are travelling ok and would love to hear how the pregnancy is progressing :-) You are on the downhill slide now! Goes fast huh!
Gi - Sweet girl. Hope you are drinking lots of water, resting lots and looking after yourself. When you are feeling better physically I'd like you to start doing something for me ok. It's called the "One good thing a day" task and each and every morning, when you wake up, you are to think about the one good thing you are going to do for yourself that day. Be it buying a new magazine, getting a massage, buying a wicked hot chocolate with marshmallows, painting your nails, taking a walk in the sunshine somewhere you've never walked before, going to see a movie etc etc. It gives you something nice to look forward to every day and helps lift the mood. It was used as part of my recovery from anxiety and I still adopt it. It doesn't have to cost anything, just do something you enjoy :-)
Dory - What's got you running around like like a chook with its head cut off? Hope all is ok. How's H going? How old is she now?
Melzi - hope AF leaves you alone soon, nasty cow! I can't believe how insensitive some people are being towards you! We lost our son in May 07 and had DS in June 08. I just had to get pregnant again, and it wasn't to replace him. Listen to your own heart, no one else matters :-)
Freya - Good luck with Dr Sacks tomorrow. I've heard the guy is a genius! Hoping you can find some answers. We had two early miscarriages late last year and I desparately wanted answers but we were told to just try again, we did, and we are now 20 weeks along, so don't lose faith.
Skybie - you really are a trooper. Your strength is inspirational. I hope the cramps are AF too so that you are have the opportunity to try when you are ready. Glad the bleeding has stopped. You'll have bucket loads of support in here when you are ready to TTC again.
Well hope I haven't missed anyone. Big hugs to all! I'm going away for the weekend to see my Dad up the coast. Can't wait!
Well the results are in. Antiphospholipid Syndrome - my ACA (Anti Cardiolipin Antibody) and Lupus Inhibitor showed up abnormal or whatever. So we have the go ahead to TTC, as soon as we confirm a viable preg via bHCG start asprin and clexane injections and go from there. My thyroids a bit tricky too but for now Dr S doesnt think it needs attention but will insist on monitoring it during pregnancy.
So Im feeling relieved but also terrified. Obviously its not a 100% guarantee of no more miscarriages but he feels its probably going to achieve us a term pregnancy. My chances of miscarriage off my previous stats (5 m/c vs 3 live births) was 1 in 2 but with this treatment he thinks it would be more like 1 in 5.
Now to just make a baby. I hope my heart can take the ride again. I nearly go into a panic attack everytime I think of being pregnant again. Sounds stupid doesnt it.
Freya - better news than you thought! It will take some time to process but yay for the green light for lots of BD'ing. I know exactly how you feel about whether you can withstand more pain...... I don't have the answer, but I do know you are are strong. And it's not stupid. TTC takes courage my friend, a lot of it.
Well, here I am. Thinking I am going to officially admit to myself that I want to and am TTC, no cycle or anything structured to go on, but ..... possibly a vain hope?
Like Freya said, terrified, but somehow willing to put myself in a position where I might be emotionally obliterated again. Wondering if the next time I will be able to get up again...
Feeling guilty too... I am blessed to be where I am.... am I greedy to want more? Feeling guilty that my decision and my announcement will hurt some. And the pure joy that I have when I am with HB.... feel guilty about having to share that. Ahh what the heck, feeling pretty guilty and scared about everything but there is a deeper urge inside that says TTC is the right thing to do, come what may. I can embrace the fear ... and the pain if needs be.
even my mum has said this. 
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