Pregnant 10wks with twins. Dh want divorce n abortion

[Catastrophic]

Actually, not true. He doesn't have to pay child support. It depends on his income, your income and other dependents.

Don't let anyone pressure you either way QL.

This is your decision. We can all turn off our pcs at night and not think about it. You are the one who has to live it. And it's not just babies you need to feed, clothe, etc. Babies grow into children. That's when it gets expensive.

Do what you need to do, not what anyone else expects you to do.

Well said. Xoxo you do what you need.

[Queenluxury]

- How much do u spend a week/month for one baby?
- how much when they grow up and go to school?
- Is the centrelink parenting payment, family tax A n B will be enough for me to get through first couple years when I can't work yet?
- If I start go to work when they are one, Child care for two kids will probably cost a lot and not much will be left right?
- I thinking to go back to work for few months b4 i give birth and save up $ for car. Do I really need one?
- is it hard to find my own place to rent with no income? I would love the share accommodation but I don't think anyone want to live with single mum of two babies :/

[Chrispe]

Costs of babies (weekly/monthly)
- nappies, anywhere from $10 packet Coles brand (that last 1.5 weeks) to $30 for a box of Huggies (that last a couple of weeks)
- milk, breast milk doesn't cost but not every can cope breast feeding twins. Formula can cost $19-$28 per tin for newborn.

Costs of kids
- food
We spend $250 a week on groceries for a family of 6 (2 adults, 3 kids, 1 baby) that's for everything.

- school
Lower income earners can apply for 'school card'. For us that means in the public school system we don't have to pay school fees.
For uniforms I buy the big W generic school clothes that are about $8 per item.

Realistically it's not easy. But if it's what you want then there is support to help.

We live on about $800 per week for 6 people (a little bit more at the moment while getting baby bonus).
I don't have twins myself. But providing for 4 kids while on government benefits. It's still worth it for me.

[little_O]

QL I feel so mad for you! I really cannot understand how some men can think they won't live their children(and I know some dont!! :@)

For what it is worth if your only reason for considering terminating is for financial reasons you needn't worry. I am sure plenty of mums can share their stories of how the get by and survive without ruining their, or their children's lives. We are fortunate to live in a country where we can get support. You sound like a strong woman to have moved here in the first place, go through the ivf and make your plans now. That's a sign of a great mother! Think of how much strength and fight you can offer to your babies.

I have a close friend with a drop kick xdh. She had both his babies, so close they are practically twins (I know there is still a difference) and he up and left her. She has fought tooth and nail for child support from him, and despite him barely ever paying her she is raising two amazing kids, works, child care etc. she reminds me a lot of how you sound .

Just want to reassure you that despite whatever finances you have, YOU are the best thing for your kids. Your love and dedication to keep going will be the glue that holds it all together.

Hang in there, you're doing great. As pp have said, ultimately you make the decision. But don't ever feel like you are strong enough or good enough etc.

Xxxxxx

[Chrispe]

Regarding renting, have you contacted public housing? (housing trust or what ever their new name is)
We rent privately, but our bond money came from them.
I'm not sure what the renting market is like where you are.

Child care is expensive, but you would probably qualify for the ChildCare Benefit and ChildCare Rebates. Also you might find a family daycare that are cheaper.

[Gigi]

Independent legal advice - regarding the validity of the pre-nup, now you are pregnant - important to get this sorted out, and quickly.

Costs involved in babies:
if you have a car, carseats for them are required by law.

Many things that you THINK you need to buy, for babies, are not actually needed. The marketting makes you THINK you must have it, but you actually can get by without it. I did not understand this until my baby arrived, and then it clicked - she didn't need all the Fisher Price plastic battery operated things (which i had been feeling guilty, as i hadn't been buying those), she was very happy with hugs, the voices of people who loved her, and simple things like pegs. The 2nd hand cot i bought did the job just fine, the 2nd hand changetable i bought was just fine, sure the brand new cots and changetables in the shops looked nicer, but were so much more expensive. As long as they are clean, or can be made clean - and are in safe condition - you're fine.

I spent my entire pregnancy going to opshops weekly, for baby clothing from nb - 2yo, and i also bought a basinette with sheets that way too. It was amazing to me, the people (some i barely knew) who would say to me, oh, you're having a baby, here's a bag of stuff you might find useful. And people again i didn't know well, who gave me baby gifts, totally unexpected. i didn't have a baby shower, so wasn't expecting anything.

With renting, if you have any choice, try to rent somewhere close to public transport, a park.
For energy costs (which is a major household expense) try to avoid places with big west facing windows, i found out the hard way, this is the most expensive to cool in summer. Makes the place feel like a sauna.

Formula costs and breastmilk is free, so give bf-ing a try, i found the ABA very helpful (started going to meetings when pregnant, learnt so much just listening to the mums).

Are you still in the marital home? or has your dh kicked you out? Is there ANY chance of you two having couple counselling? He wouldn't be the first father, to totally freak out when hearing his wife is pregnant, then having a change of heart, once you are more pregnant, or the babies arrive - i hope that is the case for you, so you don't have to be a single mum. i am one myself, but that happened when my child was four, different to it happening when you are pregnant/with young baby, let alone two babies.

It's hard, everywhere you go, doctors etc assume you have a great network happening, and when you don't, they don't know what to say. I experienced this too, i am sure my own PND was due to lack of physical support around me when i had my bub.

Seeing a financial counsellor may help you too. To see on a spreadsheet, what your new financial reality would be. It's extremely hard to "cost" what having twins will actually cost you per year. Financial counsellors encourage you to not live on credit cards, and to only spend what you actually have, to spend - to avoid debt. Sometimes you learn how to live cheaply, when you have to live cheaply. (motivation, necessity).

Where i live, public school isn't free. On a low income you can apply for "school card" which you put towards the school fees. There is a schoolkid's bonus, which you can save, for school expenses that crop up in January each year.

Financially, i would not count on Child support, until it's actually happening. I count it as a bonus, would not pay rent with it. Too many people are eligible for CS but don't receive it, or it's random when it appears. I think it's fine if the payer is willing, but not much seems to happen if the payment is not done voluntarily. Too many ways of evading it.

Things like having your kids in cute clothes and photographic studio sessions will not happen, but they will survive and you will too survive, without those things. Your instinct will kick in, the NEEDS will get taken care of, the WANTS will be put on the back burner.

Legal advice, re distribution of assets - very important - even if you have little, you need whitegoods, you wash often with one baby, let alone two. Traipsing around to laundromats with twins and heavy washing - no - you need the washing machine much more than your ex will. Fight for the washing machine. You will need it much more than a tv.

If you have no car, organise to get groceries home delivered.

hoping my brainstorming will spark ideas in you too, you know your situation the best, i am only making guesses.

http://www.communitylaw.net/CLC-Directory/

[Chocaholic]

Just a thought, have you spoken to his parents? What would they think of this behaviour to their grandchildren?

[jellybean88]

Cost of ds as baby is minimal

-We had to formula feed we go to Amcal an get it for $14 a tin the lids have points on then so I get a free tin of formula from about 7 lids handed in

- clothes were free we got hand downs from friends

- nappies we use aldi which are $11 a pack which lasts alot longer for us because he is on formula and doesn't poo as much or as liquid and now he is 1 a pack lasts heaps longer than when he was younger

- I got samples from health nurse

- baby wash lasts forever I'm still using the same pump pack a year later

- we only use 1-2 jars of baby food a month otherwise I make my own and freeze and give him weetbix for breakfast and yoghurt for lunch there not expensive

- for snacks fruit, steamed veggies, sandwiches, bikkies and rice cakes are all cheap

- if I'm having a tight week I go to a food parcel place I can get a box of food and box veggies and box dairy for $30 (see if there's one in your area) also out church gives us one for free if we ask

It's all about planning I guess

I really wish I could help

Things I could live without
- change table all you need is a portable mat that can fit in nappy bag

- most toys he enjoys boxes and Tupperware more I guess with 2 they can play and talk to each other as well

- most baby things in store

- expensive pram I enjoy using a cheap easy to fold and pack stroller and just bought a double stroller for next one mayby buy one second hand on eBay or gum tree or trading post or ask an op shop if they can give you one

- expensive cot ours was cheap and does a great job

- I looked around and only bought things on sale as I went along

[Three Graces]

I was just thinking yesterday, that you need to have posted 50 times before you can send or receive a private message (PM) with other members. Is there any way around this mods? As it will be difficult to get in contact with some of your local BB mums if you can't use private messaging.

Also, maybe get the legal advice BEFORE you move out of the marital home. ASAP. If the pre nup isn't valid and you've already moved out, it may be more difficult to move back in, if you've already left (I've got no idea, but just check it out before you do anything).

Re: the child support payments - it's irrelevant if you have any further children with another partner, he won't be paying for their upkeep, but that of his own children. He sounds like a little child who wants to run away from any responsibility and it doesn't sound like he's going to man up, anytime soon.

Re: finances - I think previous pp have said that you can get cheaper formula if you have twins and there are cheaper nappies on the market. Ask Centrelink about what you would be eligible for when it comes to childcare. You'd be eligible for the most amount of support, but not sure how much that would be/per week.

Re: things like car seats- I would definately visit your local playgroup - meet some of the mums and tell them where you're at. There would be people who's children are moving out of their baby seats into booster seats and you may be given a few other items that people have finished with, like change tables etc.

[Chrispe]

A friend of mine also told me there is an organisation called Genesis Pregnancy Support

[Rowellen]

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

My cousin is a midwife. She recently posted on FB asking for donations of anything for a mother who was a patient at the hospital she worked at who had nothing, no money, no baby things, but was pg with a baby boy. She got a great response. Maybe you could ask your midwife/ves for help when you see them.

I'd be happy to send you a parcel of modern cloth nappies if you want them. They aren't in pristine condition but they are functional.

I also agree that you should get legal advice regarding the pre-nup. I'd be very surprised if it valid now that there are children involved.

[lady_neon]

Ah that's right, can't private message until 50 posts. I don't want to put my mobile number on here so can we work around this mods?

Re child support, fight his pathetic ass!! You went through IVF to get pregnant, what did he think would happen?!! DS has outgrown his bassinet, you could have that. There is a Salvation Army on Walter Road in Bassendean, happy to go there with you. Housing is a toughy, such a crisis in this state. However, my SIL is recently single and she will be moving into a house out near Cannington early next year and she is looking for a room mate, she has 2 kids though not sure how she would feel about two new babies! But I can ask.

[Rowellen]

Lady neon - I'm not sure as I'm not a mod, but maybe if you PM one, they might be able to pass on the details to queenluxury. Here is a link to the mods for this section of the forum (from the sticky thread at the top). HTH

[Three Graces]

QL - I've been thinking of you all day. How are you going today? I think we keep throwing suggestions as to how you can make it work, but forgetting that you're on a rollercoaster of emotions and stress right now. Just checking in to see how you are today?

Big hugs to you

[Queenluxury]

Thank you tree graces
I went to see my GP to discuss about my first trimester screen. My HCG drop from 260,000 down to 190,000. He concerned that one of the twins might not doing well
So I do one more bloodtest this arvo and hopefully will hear from GP tomorrow morning. If its still dropping I probably have to get a scan.

My DH doesn't want to talk about the babies. I was trying to tell him I'm keeping the babies and I need place to stay until I give birth. As soon as I get my parenting payment I would be able to get my own place ( I hope! Lol )
He only say go speak to counseling about ur decision on Wednesday then we talk later.

[Queenluxury]

I don't mind u ladies give me all diff suggestions at all. It's actually helping me to see what's option I have and I don't feel so trapped with this situation so thank you to everyone.

[Three Graces]

oh no. Sounds scary about the levels dropping. You worked so hard to fall pregnant and then all the stress with your partner and now this

I can't get my head around your H. (I'll drop the D, b/c he's not that Darling or Dear lol). Did he think that the IVF wasn't going to be successful? I'm not being rude - I'm genuinely trying to work out why he might be so anti- baby right now. What's your experience of his family like? You don't have to answer anything, by the way. Just typing out aloud.
The only thing I can think of right now is to try and get him to attend a session with you and the counsellor (I can hear him thinking of excuses, right now), but mainly to have somebody to mediate these conversations for both of you. How to work out the logistics if you decide to keep the babies. As much as he thinks he can walk away from all of this, like others have said, the pre-nup may not stand up if he's gone through IVF with you and you're expecting his children. It also sounds like he's not allowing you to talk and it's all on his terms. A bit like the pre-nup.
I work as a psychologist, but I don't provide much couples counselling. I do know that at times, you can invite the partner in for a one-off session to discuss a few things or involve them (especially if you're working with children). There's so many questions. Is the only reason why he's wanting a divorce b/c you are pregnant? He really needs a good kick up the bum! Unfortunately, counsellors can't do that bit (well, not physically, anyway). I'm really sorry for the way that everything's going for you right now. You're doing exceptionally well, under a really really stressful time. Not easy.

[jellybean88]

I hope all is well my Hcg always drops at this gestation and so far so good goodness knows you don't need another stress right now

Will your parents take you In if you decide to go ahead with things?