Work trying to stuff DH around

[Bumperstump Cummerbund]

Ooh, didn't get a notification that anyone had responded, lol. Thanks for all that Yeddi, I'll share it with Professor tonight.

My question is - is there any scenario where it would be acceptable for me to have a chat with either of his managers? I've met both of them several times at work functions, they both know me by sight. Professor's having another day off today, it's getting to be once a fortnight. But he just won't talk to them, he's very intimidated by the thought, given that he's been fobbed off by his direct manager several times.

I don't wanna go in there and tear shreds, I am very aware that it would be unusual for me to even do it. But I'm concerned that it's getting past the point of him being recognized for the good work he's doing - if he doesn't go to work, they'll eventually fire him, and rightly so. I want to sit down with HR and the two managers and tell them what's happening with him, why he's having so much time off. It's killing me watching it, because it could be solved very easily, but he doesn't feel he can say anything.

[Yeddi]

My question is - is there any scenario where it would be acceptable for me to have a chat with either of his managers?

No. I don't think this is wise. I know you want to help and protect him, but I think this would be opposite of helpful and I can't see it boding well for your DH. It will make them lose respect for your DH, put an even bigger target on you DH's back, and I can just imagine the things they would say between themselves afterwards - something along the lines of "needing his wife to fight his battles - too weak to do it on his own".

It could also cause issues between you and your DH too. If he doesn't feel like he can say anything, how would he feel about you doing it for him?

Perhaps it is time to look for work elsewhere... what does DH do exactly? I have a lot of contacts in the public service and defence industry, I could always point him in some new directions if his skill sets match.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Keike, my DH is going through this atm: he's applying for other jobs and telling his company that. His pay review is this month - they screwed him over last year too, this year he's leaving if they don't magically improve now he's threatening them.

He needs to see if he can get that overtime paid and needs to start saying "no, I'm not paid to take that responsibility" - I know it isn't what he wants to do, but it is his mental wellbeing on the line here. If they won't pay him to do the extra, he shouldn't do it. They are taking advantage and now he's suffering.

[Yeddi]

I personally would advise against telling work he is looking for other jobs, I've seen bad things happen because of that, or it doesn't make a difference. It's better to play your hand close to your chest and to be like a monkey - don't let go of one branch until you've firmly got your hand on the next (aka signed contract and start date). Conversely, once he has an offer of employment from somewhere else then HE has the power, he can choose to take that offer or use it to negotiate higher pay/other conditions for the current business to keep him. Until you've got that offer though, any threat of leaving is just hot air. They'll either just ignore the threats or will just say "fine, leave" knowing that unless he is in a very good financial position that he can just stop working while he looks for a new job, that he can't afford to leave until that new job materialised, and then they'll act if they want to keep him. In the mean time they'll continue to treat him like crap, or they might treat him worse because he's offended them but letting them know his intensions of leaving.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Depends on the person and the company - I know DH's big boss is frantically trying to get the company heads to give him a promotion, or at least is saying that. He also knows if DH is going to go, he will (that's how he came to his current job, the old one wasn't keeping their promises).

However, if DH goes then they lose a big contract that DH is on. I have seen people who don't pull their weight threaten to go and DH's only words have been "at least I don't get their mistakes on my desk next week."

I have also used the threat of moving jobs before - gone out and found a job and moved to it because work was messing me around. However, I am now in a job where most contracts state you have to say if you're applying for other roles before you do so: personally I think it's only fair to let the company know they have to pull their socks up or look for a replacement soon, especially if you are a valued worker. (As I clearly wasn't for my earlier job!)

[Bumperstump Cummerbund]

Update - everything's turning to crap. We had a dinner reservation last Friday, which shouldn't have been a problem. Professor works til 5 normally, but dinner wasn't til 6.30, so he was gonna do some overtime and I was gonna pick him up at 5.45 and we'd head straight to the restaurant. Only, the 2 people assigned to help him with this stupid charity committee didn't show up, so he didn't get out til just after 6 because he had to do it himself.

Then, he had arranged a few weeks back to finish work at 2.30 yesterday, because he had to get some tests done and go to the dental surgeon to book in his surgery - only his manager tells him at lunch that his last training session is after lunch, can't get out of it. He's a draftsman, and the training is customer service. So he didn't get his tests done, and was 15 minutes late for the surgeon.

FINALLY, he put in his overtime sheet on Monday for the pay fortnight, and his manager refused to pay it. He said Professor didn't get pre approved for overtime. Professor is actually doing to work of 2 draftsmen at the moment, because there's only 2 of them using Autosketch, and the other guy's on 3 weeks leave. So he's literally doing 2 peoples work (not to mention the work of the manager's who are never there). He just looked at his manager and asked 'I'm doing 2 peoples work - if I don't do overtime, it doesn't get done. I can stop, and the other guys jobs will be 3 weeks overdue by the time he gets back. Your call.' So they're paying it. I can't believe his manager even had the nerve to question it

It's starting to affect our relationship. He's not taking the sleeping pills regularly, he's yelling at me and getting quite intimidating sometimes. I know it's because he can control me easier than he can control work. Which sounds awful, I don't mean he's deliberately pushing me round or anything, but I'm a 'safe' person. But he's a big guy, a strong one. He's hurt me a few times, when we're mucking around at home, because he just doesn't get how strong he is. I'm starting to get very afraid he's gonna snap - if its at home, it'll be me that cops it, and if it's at work, he'll end up in jail. I'm not being dramatic either, this is how he got when he was being bullied in school, he was actually planning out how he would hurt them, how he could cause maximum damage with minimum effort. It scares the hell outta me, and I'm helpless to do anything.

[Yeddi]

Keike, it sounds like you're in a horrible position. Is he looking for work elsewhere?