Morning All
Thank you all ever so much for your words of comfort and support, It means the world to me.

I have bouncer, which he does like. Hates his play gym. I have some money that we have been given when he was born, and i have never spent it, so, i might go get a chair swing. He likes the mobile, i guess cause its battery operated, and therefore moves, where as he doesnt really pay any attention to the toy bar on the bouncer.

Generally, when Darren gets home from work about 4ish, and, depending where me & Aiden are up to, has a shower, and takes over Aiden, which is great. Gives me time to just do stuff without having to worry about him. And Darren will have him to one of them wants to go to bed, which is generally Darren at about 9, and Aiden will mostly stay up till about 11. The last few nights, have been boob feeding him about 9, and then formula feeding at 11, and Aiden will sleep solid for about 4 1/2hours, which is great. Did it last night, although, didnt get him to sleep till midnight.

Some days, he is awake from 6 or 7am, right thru till 9 at night, and just cat naps during the day. Mostly thou, he is happy enough in his bouncer. Other days, he will sleep nearly all day. On these days, i do the right thing, and sleep in the mornings, but, over the rest of the day, while he is asleep, instead of taking the opportunity to do stuff around the house, i sit on the net so, have to rearrange my thinking alittle, and be on the net when he is awake.

My bbs are fine today. I think my biggest problem was this - and in hindsight, i know what i did was not right, but, you know, seem like the right thing. On Wednesday night, i cook a green curry, maybe to much curry paste, so, i expressed a feed before i had dinner, and decided to FF overnight, as i was worried about the curry. Problem being, i didnt express over night, to get rid of the milk. Thursday morning, yesterday, bbs where huge and sore. So, i expressed. Between the 2 of them, something stupid like nearly 400ml. And chucked the milk. So, when time came to bf, they where sore from being so huge, and i think sore from being expressed so much in one hit. And by god, did it hurt. By the end of the day, it was all back to normal feeling again.

His spew, (before the b/f saga) was after a FF, which i think i forced him to have abit to much. And it was heaps. He was laying on our bed, did this big power spew. Then another little one. I had just got a face washer, to wipe his face, he was looking up, and while the washer was above his face, he spewed again, massive one, and, cause the washer was there, it blocked the path, and it sorta rebounded back, all over his face and hair.

I could handle that, thought it was funny, but it was the pain of b/f feeding that started the everything off.

Partly my fault, my own sense of pride i suppose. Do you have it when you get mad, and then, you just want to do everything? I was like that. I was ****ed off, so, the more annoyed i got,the more determined i got to do more stuff. The more stuff i did, the more i got annoyed, and irational. Bloody stupid.

Darren is a great help, in that he will have Aiden for hours in the evening, helps burp him, and try to settle him if he is upset. Darren is better at burping him and calming him when he is upset, i think cause he has bigger hands or something. He just gets him in this hold, that i cant do, and it seems to work. Last night, i was feeding Aiden, and he was fussing around alot, and crying, and Darren was like "Is this is what he is like during the day?" and i am like yep, you know why its gets on top of me sometimes. I think he sometimes doesnt realise, that, on a bad day, it can take nearly an hour to feed, change and settle Aiden. Do that 6, 7, 8 times a day? Doesnt leave much time elsewhere. But, other days, can have it all over and done with within 30mins.

I was at the shops yesterday, and a the lady at the register said to me something along the lines of hows it going, i said somedays, not to good. She said, it will get better. Poor love, i nearly broke down and cried!

When Darren got home yesterday, i was abit upset, and just sorta said that he had been upset alot, and it was painful to b/f. Gave me a hug, but, i dont think he realised how upset i was. Untill.... later, he had Aiden, and said to him, something along the lines of "look how big you are getting, must be because you have such a great mum" and i burst into tears, saying, i am horrid mum, told him i yelled at him, etc etc, talked to him more about it. He says i doing wonderful job, its stressful, dont be to hard on myself, all that stuff.

He wanted me to FF for a day, to give bbs a break, but, i think i am better off keep going. If i stop, i will probably stick to FF. And i want to try to stick it out for 6months. I still have that, would be replaceable feeling if i went to ff full time, and also, i love the look Aiden gets on his face when he sees bb's, it is so damn cute.

So, if you are still reading this, sorry its so long, but, hopefully, touch wood, will be back on track. Having lunch with some of the BB girls today, so, looking forward to that.

Thanks again girls for your support. I am grateful that we all have this outlet to share our feelings, and just, get it all out!

Have a great day