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thread: Babies born~June 1st-15th 2010 #1

  1. #109
    BellyBelly Life Subscriber

    Feb 2009
    Kalgoorlie, WA
    729

    perspective... as I drifted off last night, I thought about all the good things I have to be happy about with Jack.
    Yesterday morning, he smiled at me for the first time - with out farting afterwards - so it couldn't have been gas. And it was a really big smile too.
    And he's a good sleeper. Sure, he may have been crying on & off from noon until 5pm yesterday, and the screams may have been the worst I've heard - he still sleeps well at night. Last night he did 4 hour feeds. Can't complain about that!!
    Linked to the sleeping is his awake time. It's during day light hours, and it's so darn cute. He's obsessed with DH's hats that sit on the back of the couch. They're black & white, and captivate more than any toys we could offer him.

    But I want to take him to the doctor as he looks like he has bloody mucus in his poo. But can I find a number for a pediatrician in Kalgoorlie?? of course not. And I can't really take him to the ED because he's otherwise not sick & they probably won't do anything. So I'm going to hunt through the local phone books for a ped's number. Surely we have one in town!

    ETA: his poo is returning to normal now... he's otherwise not unwell in the slightest, so I'll ask the nurse tomorrow. And more smiles from him this morning.

    MissyMoo - Mum has been cautioning me to stay away from chocolate, garlic and onions. I haven't had anything really spicy... oh hang on... I made relish, didn't I?! No more of that then...

    Smamfa - I want to get on the wii fit too (hulahoops can't be bad, can they??), but I just lose the energy for it. One day...

    SAK - I can't see your milk drying up because you still have demand. But if you see supply dropping too fast, just stop the tea & let you baby sort it out. And I love the idea of a boob massage! but would prefer a foot massage.
    Last edited by entreat; July 11th, 2010 at 11:43 AM. : poo update

  2. #110
    Registered User

    Jun 2007
    perth
    573

    entreat - at your 'poo update' reason for editing!! If you haven't got a good ped where you are can you find a good gp who is experienced with infants? You would need a referral to go to the ped anyway, so would have to see a gp first regardless i believe. (Doesn't sound like you need it now, but if you need it further down the track.) Your comment about 'responsibility' i think sums up the difference in mind-games i find between my 2nd child and my first - with my first I was very much 'what am i doing wrong' when ds wouldn't stop crying... whereas with this one i am putting the blame much more on external factors 'he has a pain', 'he has a gurgly tummy' etc... and YAY for some lovely smiles!

    starangelk - haha, my mind is keen for exercise, but i don't know how my body will actually cope! i was exhausted after shopping the other day.

    Interesting that everyone was talking about food/wind etc last night... i have been pondering the same sorts of things - bubba seems to get whingy over digestive issues a lot - he is a top-farter as well, and you can definitely see him get a pain when his tummy is bothering him (fairly frequently), after he has let loose a big squelch he often relaxes and then goes to sleep. I have been wondering about those old wives tales of foods to avoid too... it is not like i have been eating anything particularly spicy, but some rich foods i guess - i had chocolate and lasagne yesterday i am going to eat healthy bland foods for the next few days and see if it makes a difference.

    Bubba's eyes are still blue... at what age do they start to change if they are going to change does anyone know?

  3. #111
    Registered User

    Jul 2009
    2,109

    Smamfa - when we saw the ped in the hosp he said that their eyes can change up to 12 months old! X has gorgeous blue ones right now and I am hoping they stay that way.

    Entreat - thanks for your thoughts about the milk supply - I'm going to wait until after the boob massage and then see what the supply is like. I'll let you know how it compares to a foot massage

  4. #112
    Registered User

    Jun 2008
    Tassie
    2,567

    normally eyes change in the first 6 months. Darker colours tend to be first. Ash was blue until 2 months then turned brown. My sisters were blue and turned green at 6years old! My niece has hazel eyes, they changed recently, she's 1 now. They were green.

  5. #113
    Registered User

    Dec 2007
    87

    *sigh*
    Tough day for me today. Jack has been screaming and screaming from wind pain today. The poor little guy. I wish I could take away his pain. And foolish me - I'm starting to take his screaming sessions personally.

    I know he'll get better, but today I am really struggling. I'm sure it's nothing I'm doing, but that doesn't take away any sense of responsibility I feel.
    Speaking of homeopathic remedies, have you tried the Brauer Stomach Calm? It has really helped when C sometimes gets a bit of a tummy ache and seems to have slowed down the spewing too! Hang in there! Things are sure to get much better soon. Once they are over the 1st 6 - 8 weeks they seem to be able to work out their wind much better!

    Hugs Feu
    Last edited by Feueriosa; July 11th, 2010 at 03:01 PM. : Kept reading.. duh!

  6. #114
    Registered User

    Dec 2007
    87

    DS eys where SO blue until a couple of months ago (he is over 2) and now have gone green much to my saddness! They were amazing and although it is a nice green it is not as speccy! DDs eyes are brown already, but we expected that as her hair is so dark.

    On food, I switched to lactose free milk on a naturopaths advice and either that or the Brauer or both seems to have had a good effect on DDs digestive issues. She is really a very amiable baby, but BOY does she get ****ed fast if her world is not right! Doesn't cry much but does these little shrill screams till we do what she wants (usually booby or a cuddle!).

    Smamfa - I'm getting tired just thinking of exercise! My DH keeps reminding me that I asked him to get me exercising after 6 weeks and I keep telling him to sod off, but he is right... Have to get some fitness back to keep up with 2 munchkins! I asked him the other day if he thought we had gone a bit overboard in the kid department, but he assured me that I wanted 2! LOL

  7. #115
    BellyBelly Life Subscriber

    Feb 2009
    Kalgoorlie, WA
    729

    Cheers Feu. I was using the Colic relief, but as that and the chutney are the only two things I've been doing differently lately, I assume the issue was either A) brief infection/tummy bug B) the chutney, or C) the Brauer Colic stuff. I'll be waiting until Jack is really settled, then I'll try him on the Brauer stuff again if he needs it. If it causes the same reaction, I'll be very displeased.

    He's been sleeping since I fed him at 11:30... 3.5 hours now. Sometimes he squarks in his sleep, and we roll him over, he farts (or worse! ), and then relaxes.

    I found this page: Ask Anne For Answers To Your Breastfeeding Questions
    It's an interesting article on how long it takes for food to get into your milk, and the old wives tales.

    I think Jack takes in more air when he's crying (and I'm sure , but I also threw out one of his dummys because he was sucking so much air with it. He now uses an Avent dummy & it's a much better shape sucker & plastic bits (aren't I technical with words...).

  8. #116
    Registered User

    Jan 2010
    Ballina, NSW
    348

    Morning everyone

    Entreat - poor little Jack. Hope he is starting to feel a bit better. Make sure you get lots of rest too if possible, no point having a tired baby and a tired mummy. And OMG about bringing contagious children to your house. I would have been furious!

    MissyMoo - interesting about the curry. Originally I was going to not eat certain foods to try and eliminate upsetting X but then I read this book that said to eat anything and see if it effects her. So far so good but I must admit I haven't eaten a really spicy curry yet.

    Tubbles - hearing about your nappy purchases makes me want to buy more!! I already have a wishlist - hahahhaha.

    Smamfa - wii-fit? You are keen! Can you send some of your looking forward to exercise vibes over here please? I have been walking to and from the office (less than a km) on a daily basis but at the end of the day I am exhausted. I have no idea how I am going to ramp up the exercise to get rid of my jelly belly.

    Hi to Feu and Seph

    Well, you girls are going to think this is crazy but on Tuesday I am having remedial massage.......on my breasts! The lactation consultant recommended it because I still have lumps on the side that had mastitis and it is producing less milk. It isn't bothering me as X drains the lumps at each feed (I am still doing one sided feeding) and I have heaps of milk anyway so no big deal. Anyways, it will sure be interesting! She also suggested I take sage and drink peppermint tea to help reduce my supply. I am holding off on doing this.........having heaps of milk is a problem to me but would be welcomed by others and I am scared to purposely reduce my supply in case it goes the other way. She promised me it won't dry up my milk but I am still scared. What do you guys think?
    Wow, can you imagine if it was your job to give boobs "remedial" massages? I gotta tell DP about this, he is going to want a career change! lol. I would be scared that my milk supply would go too far the opposite way too. I was going to start taking fenugreek cos I thought my supply was going, but with my leakage yesterday, I don't think there is a problem any more hehe.

    Sorry, I am already looking at what else I can buy next time too. All this talk of MCNs and what other people had made me want to try more! hehe

    DS eys where SO blue until a couple of months ago (he is over 2) and now have gone green much to my saddness! They were amazing and although it is a nice green it is not as speccy! DDs eyes are brown already, but we expected that as her hair is so dark.

    On food, I switched to lactose free milk on a naturopaths advice and either that or the Brauer or both seems to have had a good effect on DDs digestive issues. She is really a very amiable baby, but BOY does she get ****ed fast if her world is not right! Doesn't cry much but does these little shrill screams till we do what she wants (usually booby or a cuddle!).

    Smamfa - I'm getting tired just thinking of exercise! My DH keeps reminding me that I asked him to get me exercising after 6 weeks and I keep telling him to sod off, but he is right... Have to get some fitness back to keep up with 2 munchkins! I asked him the other day if he thought we had gone a bit overboard in the kid department, but he assured me that I wanted 2! LOL
    Yeh, I am hopefully going to start exercising by week 6, but at the moment with my motivation, I don't think it'll start for a while (I'll say til the weather gets better for now.. and then might say when it gets cooler when it does get better )

    I think you can also have brown eyes that go hazel later in life. Mine were brown growing up but have now gone a hazel colour in my teens. Another friend of mine had her eyes go from brown to hazel when she was about 10 or so, and have now turned green (in her mid 20s)

    normally eyes change in the first 6 months. Darker colours tend to be first. Ash was blue until 2 months then turned brown. My sisters were blue and turned green at 6years old! My niece has hazel eyes, they changed recently, she's 1 now. They were green.
    Lily has eyes the colour of the ocean.. out to sea colour. Hoping it stays a light colour. I hope they don't go brown, but DP wants them to be brown because he has light eyes.. grass is always greener!

    Cheers Feu. I was using the Colic relief, but as that and the chutney are the only two things I've been doing differently lately, I assume the issue was either A) brief infection/tummy bug B) the chutney, or C) the Brauer Colic stuff. I'll be waiting until Jack is really settled, then I'll try him on the Brauer stuff again if he needs it. If it causes the same reaction, I'll be very displeased.

    He's been sleeping since I fed him at 11:30... 3.5 hours now. Sometimes he squarks in his sleep, and we roll him over, he farts (or worse! ), and then relaxes.

    I found this page: [Ask Anne For Answers To Your Breastfeeding Questions ]
    It's an interesting article on how long it takes for food to get into your milk, and the old wives tales.

    I think Jack takes in more air when he's crying (and I'm sure , but I also threw out one of his dummys because he was sucking so much air with it. He now uses an Avent dummy & it's a much better shape sucker & plastic bits (aren't I technical with words...).
    Thanks for that website, it was a good read, and made me feel better about not altering my diet (too much)

  9. #117
    Registered User

    Jun 2008
    Tassie
    2,567

    Just a quick one from me Just got back from Elijah's 5 week check (he missed his 4 weeks one) and he is now 4.8kg and 54cm long. Naawwww still so little for me haha

    He was perfect, all smiley and cooperative!

  10. #118
    Registered User

    Jun 2007
    perth
    573

    Missymoo - Yay for Elijah's great check-up!

    Wow, i can't believe i have potentially SO LONG to wait and find out what colour Z's eyes are going to be! We are expecting them to be brown, but ds1 had brown eyes right from the start so it feels really different to see a blue-eyed baby.

    thanks for that article entreat, i have been drinking a LOT of milk recently, so i might cut that back a bit.

    Similar to what Feu was saying about the wind issues - 6-8 weeks is also the PEAK crying time for babies... so if anyone's bubba is getting especially fussy around now, in a couple of weeks you will be on the downhill slide. I remember with ds1 at around 6-7 weeks he used to be majorly unsettled for hours. We wondered if he had reflux, but it all improved a week or two later.

  11. #119
    BellyBelly Life Subscriber

    Feb 2009
    Kalgoorlie, WA
    729

    so there is an end in sight?? i was almost seeing Jack as a crying, colic ridden 16yo...

  12. #120
    BellyBelly Life Subscriber

    Feb 2009
    Kalgoorlie, WA
    729

    I have come to the conclusion that Jack doesn't so much have colic, but rather gets so over tired, he can't cope. Throw in an increased appetite (he emptied me last night & I have to get a bottle of EBM from the freezer!!) - no wonder the kid has been crying. I'm glad the MIL has gone home because now I'm not getting conflicting advice that opposes my instincts. This morning had potential to go the same way as yesterday, but I recognised his tired signs better today & got away with no screaming. He should have a good sleep now. The poor little critter wakes up tired some times, but gets all confused & tries to stay awake after his feed... then we head towards a meltdown. He still gets burps stuck some times, and that is probably a large contributing factor to him not going to sleep (uncomfortable). We have about 4 different potions on the go for treating it (gripe water, Infant's Friend, Infacol, and some homeopathic pills) - Not all at once though!

    I also found out today that a girlfriend on facebook lost her baby daughter at 21weeks pregnancy, only 12 days ago. I'm so sad for her - she's such a lovely person, & deserves a strong & happy family. I changed my profile pic on FB back to my wedding one as I'm sure it would be incredibly insensitive to leave Jack's chubby face there when she's in so much pain. It may sound selfish, but it makes me cherish Jack even more.

    Sorry for hogging the posts... I'm suffering a bit of isolation due to not being coordinated enough to leave the house. The closest I got yesterday was backing the car out of the garage!

    Cuddles to all & their bubs. Xx

  13. #121
    Registered User

    Jul 2009
    2,109

    Entreat - I love seeing your posts, you are not hogging the thread I am really happy for you that you don't think Jack has colic. I was told that parenting it is just about us learning who our little ones are and all about them and it really sounds like you are doing this. Yay for you.

    MissyMoo - your new pics on facebook are to die for! and yay for that weigh in, so so great. Gotta love the mummy milk.

    Can someone tell me how to get an extract from someone elses post and comment on it? I am so clueless.

    Yesterday we had X weighed and measured yesterday and she is now 4650gms and 56cm long with a 38cm head. She seems to be taking more milk than usual too. I have only been one sided feeding but in the last few days she has been taking a little bit off the other side.

    Anyway my biggest news is about my boob massage this morning. It was AWESOME. Firstly, he had me lie on my belly (and OMG painful boobs = painful to lie on belly) and he rubbed my sides. This really hurt, I didn't realise how much pain I was in. He did my sides and all around my breasts first including the pec muscle as he said it is important to get the lymph nodes drained there first before massaging the breast. I was crying by the end of it, it was SO SO SO painful I can hardly believe it. All of this time, I was leaking everywhere. He even said that I was the messiest client he had in a while but it was great I had so much milk. At one point he had to duck out of the way as I was shooting towards him. *cringe* When he did the breast, I could feel him rubbing away at lumps that I previously didn't know existed. I thought that I had gotten all of the lumps out but turns out I was totally wrong. I also had quite a few blocked ducts which he said from the feel of them were old so probably left from the mastitis. It took 1.5 hours but when I got up off the bed I felt like a different person. I could actually swing my arms without wincing in pain! The best $65 I have spent in a long time and if I even get a hint of mastits again, I am making an appointment with him quicky. Just awesome.

    PS - Mrs Hendo - I know you are headed this way soon and I saw on facebook you have been having some lumps - it is totally worth it!

    Have a great week all.

  14. #122

    Apr 2009
    Melbourne
    1,069

    Hi Ladies,

    I've been reading but not posting lately cause it's hard to get enough time on the computer before A starts looking for boob. DH is back at work today, one A's one month birthday, so my first day completely alone as a SAHM - it went well! Although trying to shower when A decides he's hungry is challenging. We're off the MCHN tomorrow for a weigh-in, and I'd guess that he's broken the 4kg mark by now. Everything is going pretty well, he's feeding well, becoming more alert and awake and mirroring me when I stick my tongue out and talk to him. His dark hair seems to be disappearing and blonde hair is coming through - DH was a blondie when he was small, so I might end up with a curly-haired blondie (like Ashton, Mel!). And we're loving the Close Carrier!

    I've got some really heavy family stuff happening at the moment so may be a little MIA now and again. It's hard coming in here and not feeling able to talk about it, so I've been reading instead. to everyone, and apologies for the lack of personals.

  15. #123
    Registered User

    Jan 2010
    Ballina, NSW
    348

    Entreat - I love seeing your posts, you are not hogging the thread I am really happy for you that you don't think Jack has colic. I was told that parenting it is just about us learning who our little ones are and all about them and it really sounds like you are doing this. Yay for you.

    MissyMoo - your new pics on facebook are to die for! and yay for that weigh in, so so great. Gotta love the mummy milk.

    Can someone tell me how to get an extract from someone elses post and comment on it? I am so clueless.

    Yesterday we had X weighed and measured yesterday and she is now 4650gms and 56cm long with a 38cm head. She seems to be taking more milk than usual too. I have only been one sided feeding but in the last few days she has been taking a little bit off the other side.

    Anyway my biggest news is about my boob massage this morning. It was AWESOME. Firstly, he had me lie on my belly (and OMG painful boobs = painful to lie on belly) and he rubbed my sides. This really hurt, I didn't realise how much pain I was in. He did my sides and all around my breasts first including the pec muscle as he said it is important to get the lymph nodes drained there first before massaging the breast. I was crying by the end of it, it was SO SO SO painful I can hardly believe it. All of this time, I was leaking everywhere. He even said that I was the messiest client he had in a while but it was great I had so much milk. At one point he had to duck out of the way as I was shooting towards him. *cringe* When he did the breast, I could feel him rubbing away at lumps that I previously didn't know existed. I thought that I had gotten all of the lumps out but turns out I was totally wrong. I also had quite a few blocked ducts which he said from the feel of them were old so probably left from the mastitis. It took 1.5 hours but when I got up off the bed I felt like a different person. I could actually swing my arms without wincing in pain! The best $65 I have spent in a long time and if I even get a hint of mastits again, I am making an appointment with him quicky. Just awesome.

    PS - Mrs Hendo - I know you are headed this way soon and I saw on facebook you have been having some lumps - it is totally worth it!

    Have a great week all.
    Wow, that does sound like a good session. I bet you did feel so much better. Pretty funny about the milk, but at least you are making enough

    Also, to quote multiple people's posts you can click on the speech bubble with the quotation mark in it with no writing. When you click on it it will have a tick on it, then when you have finished, click on reply to thread and all the posts you selected will be quoted

    I have come to the conclusion that Jack doesn't so much have colic, but rather gets so over tired, he can't cope. Throw in an increased appetite (he emptied me last night & I have to get a bottle of EBM from the freezer!!) - no wonder the kid has been crying. I'm glad the MIL has gone home because now I'm not getting conflicting advice that opposes my instincts. This morning had potential to go the same way as yesterday, but I recognised his tired signs better today & got away with no screaming. He should have a good sleep now. The poor little critter wakes up tired some times, but gets all confused & tries to stay awake after his feed... then we head towards a meltdown. He still gets burps stuck some times, and that is probably a large contributing factor to him not going to sleep (uncomfortable). We have about 4 different potions on the go for treating it (gripe water, Infant's Friend, Infacol, and some homeopathic pills) - Not all at once though!

    I also found out today that a girlfriend on facebook lost her baby daughter at 21weeks pregnancy, only 12 days ago. I'm so sad for her - she's such a lovely person, & deserves a strong & happy family. I changed my profile pic on FB back to my wedding one as I'm sure it would be incredibly insensitive to leave Jack's chubby face there when she's in so much pain. It may sound selfish, but it makes me cherish Jack even more.

    Sorry for hogging the posts... I'm suffering a bit of isolation due to not being coordinated enough to leave the house. The closest I got yesterday was backing the car out of the garage!

    Cuddles to all & their bubs. Xx
    Ahh! I know about the isolation. When everyone went home from here (we live in an area with limited family - only my grandma who is over 80 - and no friends) I would leave the house open and unlocked, including the front door, leave the car unlocked when I went to the shops.. I had my head in so many places trying to orchestrate a trip out, it would seem I would often leave it at home!
    That is really sad about your girlfriend, I think I would do the same if I was in the same place as you.

    Persephone, sorry to hear that you're having family stuff. Hope it improves soon.

    Who is who on fb btw? I am thinking we should have a group on there so I can figure out who everyone is! Plus its easier for me to check for updates on there than on here from my mobile/ipod which is what I usually use around the house while I am breastfeeding etc. Would anyone be interested in creating a group for us on fb? I think you can make a private group so what you post to the group doesn't get posted to your profile or to the news feed.

  16. #124
    Registered User

    Jun 2008
    Tassie
    2,567

    hugs to all the beautiful mummas. Thanks re: photos. I think people must get sick of all the pics though LOL

    Sarah sorry about the family stuff Please feel free to chat to me privately, here or FB if you want to get it off your chest hunni.

    Tubbles I am Mel A on facebook.

    ETA: and you are currently commenting on my pics LOL

  17. #125
    Registered User

    Jul 2009
    2,109

    Hi Ladies,

    I've got some really heavy family stuff happening at the moment so may be a little MIA now and again. It's hard coming in here and not feeling able to talk about it, so I've been reading instead. to everyone, and apologies for the lack of personals.
    Seph I am so sorry to hear that you have got some heavy family stuff going on - it's the last thing you need at the moment. I got some potentially scary news this afternoon and had tears over it so I think my hormones are still a little all over the shop. We are all here for you. Xx
    Wow, that does sound like a good session. I bet you did feel so much better. Pretty funny about the milk, but at least you are making enough

    Also, to quote multiple people's posts you can click on the speech bubble with the quotation mark in it with no writing. When you click on it it will have a tick on it, then when you have finished, click on reply to thread and all the posts you selected will be quoted. Who is who on fb btw? I am thinking we should have a group on there so I can figure out who everyone is! Plus its easier for me to check for updates on there than on here from my mobile/ipod which is what I usually use around the house while I am breastfeeding etc. Would anyone be interested in creating a group for us on fb? I think you can make a private group so what you post to the group doesn't get posted to your profile or to the news feed.
    Tubbles - thanks for the tip about the quoting. If this looks silly, it means I didn't understand your instructions but if it is right - yay for me!!! I am on facebook - I would be cool with creating a group but I wouldn't want any of my other friends to know about the group or see posts etc. It's funny, I like being able to share with you guys everything that is going on with X and talk about my feelings etc. I don't really feel like I want to do that with ALL of my facebook friends in fear they think I am becoming one of those people who only talks about their baby. Plus, probably wouldn't be keen for my Dad to read about my boob massage experience - hahahhahah.

    hugs to all the beautiful mummas. Thanks re: photos. I think people must get sick of all the pics though LOL
    Every single time I tell you how much I love your photos, you put up even more adorable ones. OMG re the professional ones too. We are FINALLY picking up Xanthe's professional photos next Wednesday. We also get the massive canvas we ordered too - yay. That means this weekend I need to pack up the glass cabinet stuff and move it all downstairs to make space on the wall for her gorgeous pic.

    Just a general question - out of a normal 24 hour period, how many hours are all of your little ones awake? X is awake around 6-8 hours/day on average but she generally does it in 2 big blocks or occasionally (like today) 1 big block. I can't work out whether this is okay or whether we are letting her get overtired....she isn't really that difficult to put to sleep after a big stint and not that difficult to entertain in those last couple of hours but she does get more whiney.

  18. #126
    BellyBelly Life Subscriber

    Feb 2009
    Kalgoorlie, WA
    729

    i am at the end of my rope. I have no idea what he wants. I feed him fine for about 10 mins (with some burping), and then he starts screaming. Mum said to run a bath or just run his bum under the tap, but when I run the water, he stops crying & starts going to sleep. If I think it's because he's wet, I change his nappy (he doesn't like being wet), but although he stops crying on the change table for a while, he'll start back up again as soon as I pick him up. He starts rooting & trying to suck on anything near his mouth (but ironically, won't take the dummy when he's worked up like this), but if I try to feed him, he'll suck from around 20 seconds, and start screaming again. Or, if he's not too stressed, he'll 'nibble' - not really drinking, but cries if you take him off, while staring at the ceiling/wall/anything.

    I think he's over tired, but I seriously don't know. He doesn't seem to get enough sleep sometimes, but I barely think a 3 hour sleep is enough. He doesn't vomit much, but part of me thinks it could be silent reflux - but should I expect that every feed? His night feeds are almost perfect - we change, feed, and sleep. I'm questioning every thought & action I have. I keep being told to trust my instincts, but I'm not even sure I have any. I've been crying almost as hard as he has, and I've given myself a headache.

    I feel like asking for help - but have no idea where to start. help what? and what could be done anyway? Surely, at some point, I have to be able to wrangle this baby on my own.

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