I also had a second degree tear after a long labour and a forceps delivery and the recovery was horrendous. It was the memory of that which got me through my birth with DD (9lbs 6.5oz and NO drugs) because there was no way I was doing another forceps birth.

I felt very fragile both physically and emotionally for several weeks afterwards. Couldn't sit comfortably, running to the toilet and not quite making it and having to wipe my wee off the floor. And I was constipated, I remember shrieking with the pain in my stitches when I had a bowel movement.

Too frightened to go out to the shops or out for a walk because of lack of proximity to the toilet if I had to go "right now".

When I did my pelvic floor exercises it felt like nothing was happening at all, so frustrating.

But yes, I did recover perfectly. I know it took at least 2 months because at my six week check I was still having a bit of urine leakage but by that stage it was only stress incontinence. When the OB checked my pelvic floor muscles I was managing to isolate them momentarily so I just had to keep it up. (And no, DH and I hadn't attempted to DTD yet by then either, I was too scared!)

If you have a toddler running around it's going to be hard, you need to call in as many favours and help as possible.

Firstly, did the midwives show you how to sit on rolled up towels to take the pressure off your poor sore privates?

Salt baths - essential. At one point I was having 2 a day.

Lie down for at least 2 hours a day (not necessarily all at once, but this does not include sleeping time) to take the pressure off the area.

Don't get constipated, whatever you do, take Metamucil if you have to.

And yes, you just have to persist with the pelvic floor exercises, at least 4 times a day. You will gradually notice the improvement, and when you can hold for 5 seconds it's a real "Yes!" moment! It's so discouraging right now I know, but you have to keep going because that is what will stop the leaking.

Keep your water up because it will stop your urine from becoming acidic and irritating the area even more. Don't try to test your bladder too much, go to the loo as soon as you have to, but don't go "just in case" because that won't help your pelvic floor build up strength again.

When you can jump up and down with a full bladder and not leak, you'll know you have recovered, and I could do that at about 4 months post birth.

And as for being a bad mother to your toddler, you aren't, you are doing the best you can. The first few weeks are terrible because you are so aware that your toddler is getting so much less attention from you, the newborn takes up so much time and you are recovering physically as well. My DS watched so much TV, it drove me mad, but it was all I could do...and I didn't even have the physical discomfort or bladder leakage second time around, it's a very difficult time working out how to juggle two children when you haven't done it before. I don't envy you dealing with the forceps recovery at the same time. As soon as your DH/DP comes home he needs to take over with the toddler while you lie down with the baby to rest your pelvic floor.

This is a bit off topic, but as soon as you are up for it, take your baby to an osteopath for a post birth check up and iron-out. My DS has a mild scoliosis in his neck from the forceps birth. He needed regular treatment up to the age of 2 to keep everything free and moving easily and to maintain his posture because he was growing so fast. He now will need a check up 2 or 3 times a year, ongoing.

The forceps birth is a nightmare to recover from, but you can and will recover from it, you won't be leaking forever. Huge hugs to you.