Hi ladies,

Just wanted to share a story here with reference to losing a baby and faith.

I was angry at God, I just didn't realise it. I had never been angry with Him before.

I lost my baby boy at 14wks 5days gestation.
I was finding it really hard to make this fit with my faith and could not bring myself to pray. My wonderful minister really supported us with the funeral and helped us find some good readings for the occasion but I was still struggling.

The odd thing was that for days after the MC I kept seeing Rainbows in the sky. Every day, often when I was feeling really low.

The first time I went back to my church after the MC I struggled to sit through the service, I was seethingly angry and had to really work to sit without weeping. I couldn't bring myself to join in with the hymns or prayers. After the service I was standing in my Mum's front room looking out the window and I saw a huge rainbow. Like a crazy person I yelled aloud "OK, I see it, I see You! I'm not feeling it right now but I GET that You don't want me to lose hope... but I'm ANGRY!" (thankfully I was alone at the time or my DH might have had me committed!) It was a month or so before I saw another rainbow after that.

I'm not saying it's been any easier but it is comforting for me to think that at the very time I did not want to know Him, God was gently showing me He was there.

I don't think I'll ever understand why He took my tiny boy back, but I know He's with me in my pain.

BTW I still struggle to pray in a coherent way, eg in sentances in my head or in logical thoughts. I just send my hopes, yearnings, anger, fear and love out there to Him because I think He is really listening to them. I certainly would never "thank God.." that I have managed to get through another day because I'm still angry that I have to "get through" any thing at all, but I'm trying to make my peace.

Blessed- I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful Taite and Seth. Your website is such a beautiful and emotional tribute to them. I'm not one for saying you should turn to God but I just wanted to share my experience with you. I needed to grab on to whatever was offered to me just to try to get my head round it.

Hope my post doesn't sound too mad!
K.x