For the last couple of cycles I've given up on charting, it was too gut wrenching, I over analysed every symptom and convinced myself over and over and over again I was pregnant, so I thought why not just "let things happen".

I knew I was late this cycle, I remember roughly when I had AF but I had put it done to stress, I thought about getting a pregnancy test but forgot about it. I started spotting that night and thought "well thank goodness I didn't waste my money". The brown spotting stopped for a day. Then the bright red bleeding and pain started and kept getting worse and worse and worse and worse.

After an ultra sound this afternoon it turns out I was/am pregnant but it isn't going to stick. I haven't even told DH, I don't see the point.

More than anything I'm so angry with myself, so angry that I keep chasing this impossible dream, this fantasy. I can't help but think about to my first m/c, I called my father to tell him on the saturday and on the sunday he hung himself, I regretted I was pregnant, maybe he did it because he felt there wouldn't be room in my life for him anymore after we had reconnected after all those years. I bought my m/c upon myself, maybe that's why it keeps happening.

There's no point in seeing a Dr about it because DH doesn't believe in forcing it "what will be, will be". I understand this from him, he's worried about losing me during other pregnancies. So why am I stupid enough to keep pushing this?

Over the next 6 weeks I know 6 girls that are due...I can't face facebook at the moment. I feel awful that I don't want to know about it, I'm just over it. I'm happy for them, I just don't want to be a part of it right now, I know that's wrong.

DH just keeps looking at me asking "whats wrong?" but what's the point, nothing can fix theres no point in telling him. There's no point in telling any of my friends..last time I got "well at least you know you can still get pregnant", yeah that helps.

I just need to face the fact I've bought this on myself and I can't keep chasing after something that will never happen.

No need to reply, I just had to get something out somewhere before I exploded trying to keep all this to myself.