Here is another long one. As I said with my other posts, I have been contemplating on posting my feelings of loss for a while now. With my first two m/c's, although I had a councellor helping me thru the toughest times of my life, I didnt have BB. I think if I had found BB back then, it could have been a wonderful help to me. I felt soooo alone, was not answering phones, would not answer the door and just curled myself up and cried all the time. Even when the councellors would call, I wouldnt answer, I would call them when I was ready to talk. It was good and I didnt feel judged which was what I needed.
Well anyway here goes again:
To My Babies
My precious little babies, what can I say except but tell you what you meant to me. When I had lost your baby brother or sister back in September 22, 2001, I thought that I would never be happy again. I had thought that I would never get the chance to carry such precious lives again. Well as you know, I was wrong.....
I had a wonderful feeling that I was expecting you all in December but wanted to wait until the New Year to find out for certain. I had went to the Dr's and found out on the 3rd January 2002, I was so scared but also very happy, for some strange feeling I had felt whole again.
Your daddy was also so very happy, as were were brother.
I had decided not to go back to work so that I could protect you more than ever. I had also started a few weeks later to take some extra precautions - Pregnancy vitamins to give your growing bodies the extra boost, that I had thought that you would need to be strong and healthy.
I had had a blood test taken and had found out that I was not immune to Rubella anylonger, that was quite a shock to me, as I was so scared that I would not be able to protect you enough, as if I had caught this disease then I could lose you, I did not want that to happen.
I had then went to my first hospital appointment on the 23/01/02, ohh I was so nervous, you my babies were so precious to me, that I could not bear it if anything went wrong this time. I needed to know that everything was ok.
Another blood test was taken, and I needed to make an appointment for an ultrasound to be done. The ultrasound was on the 29/1/02. This was a very very anxious wait for me, as I waited for some good news they first measured my cervix so that I was not incompetent. Then they had an ultrasound from inside me. I laid there waiting still for some good news, so that my mind would be at ease, this news did not come, your daddy wasnt even aloud in to see you. Soon this ultrasound was over they tried the stomach ultrasound again, still no good news. They had told me to see the clinic straight away with the results. My heart had sunk so low, that I felt that I could just die.
The clinic nurses had advised me that I was expecting twins, (I believe in my heart that there were three of you not two), they had told me however that they could not see anything except the sacs - 2 of them, with nothing inside them. I had started to cry for my babies, but as every other day since I found out that I was expecting you that you would come to me strong and healthy, whether you were boys or girls. I just wanted my babies with me. The Dr called me in, she is the Dr I had seen the first time. She had given me some hope that you were just to small for them to see, and wanted me to have some more blood tests and another ultrasound.
The first blood test was on the 5/2/02, I was then to have another on the 7/2/02 and my ultrasound was to be on the 7/2/02 as well. I had the first test, and the next day went out with your Aunty. I was soo happy that I had you all, that is what was keeping me from going into a depression. I was so full of hope, and kept telling you how I couldnt wait to hold you in my arms. That afternoon 6/2/02 I had started to bleed, my worst nightmare was happening again, my beautiful babies were leaving me again. We waited at the hospital, I was checked and had some encouraging news, until the secpnd blood test results came back. The first was 22000, the second had dropped to just 14000, which meant I was definately losing you all. I went home still with some hope that not all of you would leave, and I also wanted to see the ultrasound the next day.
I had the ultrasound on the 7/2/02, their was no need to have another blood test because of the results the day before. The ultrasound had showed that one sac had already gone and the other this time was shrinking. 1st ultrasound showed that it had dropped to only 6weeks not 10weeks.
I could not believe it.... It was definately happening again, I was losing my darling babies. How was I going to cope, this time..... Your daddy and I decided after we got home it would be best if I went back to the hospital, which is where I stayed until the 8/2/02. I had several needles, but didnt care anymore, what was the point in caring. I had the Operation D & C to remove you from me on the 8/2/02 at about 3.30pm. I held you in me as long as I could. I just wanted to cry all day or pick up something and throw it in anger and despair. My heart is now broken once again, and that sense of feeling complete and whole has now gone back to being numb and alone.
I however feel somewhat grateful to god for letting me feel whole again even for such a short time, and also letting me feel love for more of my beautiful babies, even if I cannot touch or hold them, or even feel them grow inside me now. I also take some sense of well-being in the fact that you are all now with your little baby brother or sister, that we lost four and a half months ago. I feel some comfort that you are not alone, that you have each other to love.
I prayed so hard for your precious lives, but I do know that there must have been something terribly wrong for god to want you all to stay with him. and I really would not have wanted you to come to me if you were so very sick, with god is the best place for you. I know that in my heart, no matter how much it hurts, that I nolonger feel your presence.
I pray so hard that we find out what is wrong with me, why I am unable to all of a sudden not carry my babies, and I know that we will find out.
I had tried so hard not to get too attached to you in case this was to happen again, but how could I not get attached, you were all apart of me and your daddy and a gift from god, that I will always treasure in my heart and soul.
Please my babies always know and remember how much I love you and miss you all deeply. Even though your daddy has not expressed it to me much, please also know that your daddy loves you all as well, as do your brothers.
With my Love Always,
Mummy
I will cherish you all, may you rest in peace my baby angels.
As I was reading this back to myself as I was typing it in, I had noticed that I had mentioned that we will find out why I couldnt hold onto my bubs.
Well we did, I needed to take aspirin which resulted in my DD's. I also found out last yr that I needed to take aspirin due to being ANA positive, a blood clotting disorder. So although they cannot tell me what type of blood clotting disorder it is atm, they may never know, at least there is now a reason.
Thankyou Lucajacksmum, posting this took along time to come, but I finally did it. I guess in a way it is a breakthru in itself. I have never shown anyone these before and kept thinking for a while now that maybe someone who is going thru or has gone thru a similar loss can relate and not feel alone. Although it was one of the most lonliest times for me. I dont feel like an inspiration at all, but thankyou for thinking that. What I had written down all those years ago was something I wanted to remember, I thought that if I didnt write it down that I would forget everything and I didnt want to feel like I failed my angels again by not having any memories of them, IYKWIM. Thanks agaian hun. hugs
Thank you so much for sharing your story of your precious angels csab . I'm so sorry they had to leave. It's so lovely that you will never let their presence be forgotten, just as it should be .
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Another one - The loss of my twins.
. I'm so sorry they had to leave. It's so lovely that you will never let their presence be forgotten, just as it should be
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