Another stupid "is this normal question" - afraid of being alone
I was ok yesterday, I thought I was ok today... Apparently not.
Zander is off playing with some friends, Juliette is in bed & Aaron was watching a movie, so I decided to head to the shops to get some things for lunch. He offered to go, but I was ok to do it.
As soon as I got out of the car I felt wrong. I felt lost, like something was missing & I just needed Aaron beside me to.... I don't know, protect me? From what I'm not sure but I just suddenly felt very alone & vulnerable. I had a look in two shops (for a skirt cos nothing fits & I refuse to wear maternity clothes anymore) then went into the supermarket, all the while terrified I'd run into someone I knew. Of course I did. A friend I haven't seen in probably eight months gave me a hug & asked if I was ok. I said yes & got away as fast as I could.
I got home & just needed to be with Aaron, I need him to protect me. As it is, I've been getting him to answer the house phone & we're screening my mobile as well. I just don't want to talk about it, it's too much. I have no idea what to do when he goes to work next week. He was on holidays & supposed to go back on Monday but I've asked him to have the whole week off.
Is that normal to feel afraid of being alone? To feel completely lost & confused when there is noone there to protect you? Will I be ok with just the kids next week if I have to go out?
Sarah, when I lost my first baby I didn't leave the house for a week. After that, I only got out of the house because some friends took me to lunch. Once they had done that and I realised I wasn't going to fall apart if someone looked at me, I was able to go out by myself.
I was ok to be at home alone - but I just couldn't leave the house. I think what you are going through is perfectly normal.
When it comes to being ok with the kids - only you can figure that one out. They could be a welcome distraction, they could make things harder.
Thinking of you... Is there someone close who can come and help out when Aaron goes back to work?
Completely normal, I Told dp to go back to work a few days after my D&C , I thought I would be ok, but when I went outside to hand the washing up, I became irrationally petrified of the wind, and in my own back yard!
I now think I was having like mini panic attacks, brought on by the stress of the situation.
Also normal to not want to talk about it, it hurts, you deal with it whichever way suits you.
Big hugs.
BW I'm fine with the kids at home, Aaron had a thing on Sunday he had to go to & I stayed with the kids here without a problem. I'm just hoping they can "protect" me when we are out if I'm still feeling the same.
this is totally normal. I have had 2 miscarriages in the past and one of them was only 7 months ago and i was feeling just like you. It took me a while to get over this feeling. Dont think your alone cause many women suffer this as well.
Perfectly normal hun. After I lost DS1 I swear it took me a good 4 months before I could get out of the house and even longer before I'd walk around with my head up. I was exactly the same with DH. If we were grocery shopping I wouldn't even let him walk ahead to the next isle without me. I think our DH's act as a buffer to the wonderfully stupid people out there who manage to say just thr wrong thing.
It will get better hun, but in the meantime just wanted to let you know it's normal.
Unfortunately normal It was weeks after Caitlyn was born before I felt *ok* to venture too far from home. DH did the shopping. He called everyone, he answered the phone, he did all of the *stuff* for probably a month or more.
The furthest I got in that first month was to the courtyard. Usually to cry but just to feel the sun to know that I was alive and there was a world out there. I couldn't face that world though unless he was with me. I didn't want to be faced with people I knew / pregnant people / babies / children or any reminder of what I had lost. If he was there then I had a filter. A back up. Someone to take the heat if it all became to much. He was my rock and the only person I desperately needed very, very close. I'm sure I smothered him during that time
It also brought with it the fear of *something* happening to those closest with me. I worried about family flying / driving / being away from me. Worse with DH to the point that I hated him having to drive to and from work. I felt like I would lose him too It was such a strong feeling of anxiousness that at times it bordered on overwhelming with a tight feeling in my chest. Probably the closest to a panic attack I have had.
It did get better but it took a long, long time. I could only go to *safe* places (ie familiar and close to home) and for a short time. I shopped from day to day so I could get in and out. Or I waited for DH to come home. I didn't make eye contact with people, I was withdrawn and I chose not to be part of the world until I felt like I could cope. Social interaction was limited. I didn't know what to say to people, they didn't know what to say to me.
My first social event was a work Christmas party about a month after Caitlyn's birth. I needed to go and my colleagues needed me to be there. Her loss had an entire workplace in tears - men and women. It ended up being a good thing to feel that love and support at a time when I felt so very alone in the world.
So at the end of this waffle - all perfectly normal. All perfectly expected. It will get better in time
It's normal my love... I didn't go out, answer the phone. I "hid" when people came up the drive... I just didn't want anyone around me. I didn't want to see sad faces. I didn't want to see flowers (I hated all the flowers as they died just like my babies), I just dropped out of the world.
I didn't look to my husband to protect me - he was completely not understanding about why I isolated myself. He thought it was wierd and odd. I am normally a very social person. His feelings about the wierdness he saw in me served to compound my own vulnerability...
It actually took a friend (who happens to be a GP) to drive up my drive, come inside & say... "It's xxx can I give you a hug... So, she broke the ice. I really couldn't face the sad faces. I even hid from one of my closest girlfriends...
However, after xxx came it was the catalyst for me to get back out there. And I did...
After each loss I got better at handling it.
Just know that we all grieve & suffer at saying goodbye to our babies differently. Your way is fine & certainly fits within the realms of "normal"... Cuddles my love.
Yep totally normal - after my loss i could not be alone period. DH took some time off work but he had to go back to i went to my mums place eveyday for a week and I could not stand to be alone. When I woke up in the mornings after DH had gone to work I would totally loose the plot and get in the car in my PJ's and get to my mums. But It got better and better and I was able to face the world.
Totally normal. Your world has just been blown apart and you're left feeling shocked that this can happen. The increased vulnerability, anxiety and sadness/depression are all perfectly normal.
I still get anxious about DH being away. I've become a total nanna of a driver and my imagination runs free if DH is out late (I imagine stabbings, car accidents etc). Whilst my more "irrational" fears are not as strong as they were after the mc, that sense that bad things can happen to those I love is still there, so I'm more anxious than I was.
Everything you're going through now is normal, including when you think you're going out of your mind. It's all normal to someone who has lost a loved one, who is grieving and has experienced a shock. The shock that the sun still shines, people still walk around like evenything is normal when your world has fallen apart - is normal. It's also normal to avoid pregnant people, avert your eyes from baby shops etc.
One day, you will heal, but unfortunately there's a mess of emotions to go through first. Try to be gentle with yourself as you heal. Perhaps journalling may help? Counselling can also help, if you can find a good counsellor.
Last edited by Inanna; January 13th, 2010 at 01:42 PM.
Firstly Sarah bigs to you and your family at this difficult time xxxx.....
I didn't want to go out on my own either... in fact after Dh went back to work I went to the supermarket and I saw a pregnant lady in the aisle and she smiled at me and I burst into tears and started to shake - prompty put down my basket and said sorry to her and ran out of the store ....... My sanctuary was the shower - I would shower 5 times a day -really hot ones???? Why I have no idea but I think I needed to feel warm again or something...............
Another stupid "is this normal question" - afraid of being alone
Reply With Quote
Thinking of you... Is there someone close who can come and help out when Aaron goes back to work?
It was weeks after Caitlyn was born before I felt *ok* to venture too far from home. DH did the shopping. He called everyone, he answered the phone, he did all of the *stuff* for probably a month or more. 
Bookmarks