I know I should be happy my partner & I have been able to fall pregnant, especially so soon, I know "these things happen" & are often for the best but please don't expect me to sweep my grief from our loss under the carpet.
My first marriage brought me my beautiful daughter but also a m/c at 12& half weeks which required a d&c and then 6 months later I lost my left tube with an ectopic pregnancy at 9 weeks.
Now I am with a loving partner & we have been TTC since the end of January. Imagine my delight when I started to experience pregnancy symptoms & we got our faint but positive test on Monday. Then my fear when it was a BFN on Thursday & confirmed yesterday by a phone call from the GP telling me my hcg level was only 6. The GP offered the advice that maybe my dates are wrong but I know better. I know my body & what it feels or more to the point doesn't feel anymore compared to last week. My poor partner is stuck on the road for work so we cannot even grieve together and it means I have to listen to well meaning but poorly timed advice from family members on my own as it was previously organised that I would visit this weekend, when all I want to do is curl into a little ball & cry & cry with my partner by my side telling me it's ok.
I'm scared - I'm scared my tube will be damaged. I'm scared the cramping will be severe, that my blood loss will be heavy. I started bleeding this morning which on one hand is a relief.
Having a much wanted & loved loss at 4 weeks +4 is still a loss. My partner & I created this little blip & now it's gone. My 3rd loss in total. I think that allows me to feel raw & vulnerable.
Big hugs. You are definitely allowed to grieve, to feel vulnerable. I'm so sorry your partner is away at the moment too, that must be making it even harder.
Huge hugs hun. You are so right. A loss is a loss; the loss of your little blip, the loss of the hopes and dreams you had that were associated with it. Be kind to yourself, I hope your family is sympathetic and offer an ear and a shoulder, rather than trying to offer platitudes.
Hugs. Even an early loss is a real loss, you had plans, you were having a baby.
I know with my two early losses just how real it is, you need to grieve x
Thanks everyone, what an emotional roll-a-coaster of a day. Spotting on & off, alternating between brown gunk & purple/dark red mucus but only when I wipe. Cramps aren't too bad, more if a dull ache & just a general yuck feeling. Have spent many minutes on the phone with DP, sometimes not talking but just to have him there.
My biggest two allies today have been my younger brothers - both are married with kids of their own, one has a baby coming in sept & one went through a m/c with my sil 2 years ago. They are the ones who have held me, and sat with me. I'm staying with my dad & step mum for the weekend & although I resent not being in my own house at least I am in the "family" home. Have had a nana nap, hate that "was it a dream?" feeling but needed the rest.
Am so glad I found BB - it's great having such support 24/7. Thank you xxx
I'm really sorry TickToc, be kind to yourself. Every loss, no matter how early, is the loss of a baby that you could have had and that takes time to grieve for xx
Thank you so much ladies, it's been lovely reading your messages and even though I didn't have the energy to respond I have thought of you often.
My partner finished work Saturday afternoon and although he had been on the road since Thursday he drove 2.5/3hrs to be with me at my Dad's. The relief of having him with me was enormous - I needed skin to skin contact, I needed to feel his arms around me and I no longer felt lost and alone.
He was great around the house last night when we returned home - he even brought me a cup of tea into the bathroom so I could drink it while soaking in the bath! Today we spent the day just being together while waiting for the Dr to ring and give me my results. My hcg levels were below 5 so I'm no longer classed as pregnant and it means my body is expelling (sp?) our "blip" on it's own - no medical intervention needed. That was the news I needed to hear to enable me to completely relax. Tomorrow I can go back to work and I know that I can move forward and make plans to try again.
I have been blessed with a wonderful partner, beautiful daughter, fantastic family and supportive friends. Everyone on BB has been wonderful and I thank you all xxx
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Don't trivialise my grief!
Don't trivialise my grief!
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