I know I should be happy my partner & I have been able to fall pregnant, especially so soon, I know "these things happen" & are often for the best but please don't expect me to sweep my grief from our loss under the carpet.
My first marriage brought me my beautiful daughter but also a m/c at 12& half weeks which required a d&c and then 6 months later I lost my left tube with an ectopic pregnancy at 9 weeks.
Now I am with a loving partner & we have been TTC since the end of January. Imagine my delight when I started to experience pregnancy symptoms & we got our faint but positive test on Monday. Then my fear when it was a BFN on Thursday & confirmed yesterday by a phone call from the GP telling me my hcg level was only 6. The GP offered the advice that maybe my dates are wrong but I know better. I know my body & what it feels or more to the point doesn't feel anymore compared to last week. My poor partner is stuck on the road for work so we cannot even grieve together and it means I have to listen to well meaning but poorly timed advice from family members on my own as it was previously organised that I would visit this weekend, when all I want to do is curl into a little ball & cry & cry with my partner by my side telling me it's ok.
I'm scared - I'm scared my tube will be damaged. I'm scared the cramping will be severe, that my blood loss will be heavy. I started bleeding this morning which on one hand is a relief.

Having a much wanted & loved loss at 4 weeks +4 is still a loss. My partner & I created this little blip & now it's gone. My 3rd loss in total. I think that allows me to feel raw & vulnerable.