Ellen Mary my star child

[feeb]

Hugs hun you are not a failure and it is not your fault. I hope you have a supportive family to get you thru this terrible time.

RIP Ellen Mary
xoxo

[kateo]

There was nothing you could have done differently (it only feels that way because now you know the outcome).
thanks for that comment Possum Magic.
Sometimes I think it is just because I know the outcome.
I wake up each morning in tears
Here is one of the many poems I've written that tell how I feel each morning.

I wake up every morning
To dark, well before the dawn
I lie there and think to myself
That you will soon be born

I smile and think of all the fun
We’ll have when you arrive
I imagine how our life will be
How much fun we’ll have in our lives

Then I remember the whole truth
The reason you are not with me
My eyes open; I being to weep
Then I cry ‘till I cannot see

Each morning my day starts this way
With tears for you my love
I hope one day I’ll sleep through dawn
And you’ll smile upon me from above

I lie awake and try to think
What I did to cause this pain
I can’t believe you’re not with me
I have to live in this world with such shame

I go over every moment
I spent with you little one
I check each thought and reassess
My thoughts then they come undone

I try to find a meaning
Try to work out why it’s so
I cannot really understand
Why it is you had to go

The alarm goes off, I pretend to wake
I try and hide this ongoing pain
I wish things had been different
I want you back with me again

I move from bed, I start the day
I think of you as I start to rise
The tears I shed for you this morning
Are part of everyday’s sad surprise

Each morning as I wake weeping
To the dark surrounding me
I think of you then slowly remember
Not having you is how it always will be

[OceanPrincess]

Kateo, I'm so very sorry for you loss. What a moving poem... I really hope that writing helps, in some small measure, to work your way through this difficult time.

Not really much else I can say but to echo the other posts - you ARE a mum, you did nothing wrong. We are all here for you

Wish there was more I could do.

[kawazuki]

im am so very sorry.

you did nothing wrong, your little girl is a beautiful little one, and she is very lucky to have a mummy like you.
it is now her turn to look down on you and watch over you.

you are not silly for buying those lights, and nor are you silly or wrong for waking up in tears.
this is all normal and this is part of your grieving process.
so please stop being hard on yourself or feeling silly,
accept it as a part of how things are for a little while.
andone day you will wake up and feel lighter, you will never let go of her as she is such a precious gift.

please let yourself go and let yourself feel every emotion you need to without judging yourself.

big massive squishy hugs to you

[dory]

Kate

How are you doing today? When I replied to you in the TCC thread, I hadn't yet about your journey to get there and your darling Ellen.

I can't say it better than what Beata and Possum have already said. But it's worth repeating as you need to hear it...... you have done nothing wrong, you have not let anyone down, let alone your little angel Ellen, you are a mother of the most precious sweet child, you are finding your way through grief... and it is the most demanding and heartbreaking journey, you are worthy of letting your blame go, and you are worthy of love and support. You are precious, just hurting.

When people say what you say makes them cry, it means at least in here, and the loss threads, that they understand your pain and wish they could help you in your time of need.

Your poem describes exactly how I felt and acted for so long. It is truly moving - you have a very rare gift with your poetry.... I would be honoured if you felt up to sharing more of your poems.

After a while I noticed I wasn't waking up with the dawn and crying the day my sobs hidden by the birdsong. When I realised it, in fact I missed it, I realised it became a way I felt connected with my babies. I still feel that way, but there are also other feelings there, some of them hopeful for the future. I had to find another way to feel connected with my babies in order to stay sane .... so for me, the way I stay connected and honour my angels, is going to sound corney, but I do it by living. I am the living embodiment of my babies, and they live through me. I honour them, every day by showing the world the love and humilty and grace that my babies showed me. They have given me such a sense of purpose, to live my life with love. That's what works for me. Everyone finds their own way through these dark days.

One of the things that I was most scared of, even when I was crying all the time, was how I moved on once the constant crying stopped, as it was the only way I felt connected to my babies. I just didn't know what came next....

I loved those lights at Alidi, but didn't buy one... so you have one up on me.... at least you acted on your desire.

How is your DH/DP going?

Go gently my sweet... sending you my love and support and encouragement to keep going to counselling with your new counsellor. Grief is hard work and thank goodess most people don't have a lot of "experience" in having to work through it.

I also wanted to say, you are so brave for sharing your experiences of your pregnancy with Ellen and her birth. It's an important step, and takes courage, like so many things on this grief journey.

Remember - you are worthy and you are loved.

[kateo]

Thanks for your lovely comments Dory.
I feel bad when I don't honour Ellen enough.
I feel like I am in a very deep hole atm.
The rush to try and have another baby is really impacting on me too. I just can't imagine my life now if I am not a mother.
My DH is also up and down. I am so proud of him for seeing a counselor once or twice a month as most blokes won't do that. He has been very angry but seems to be getting better.
He gets angry when he thinks people are not treating me perfectly.
If not for him I'd have left here soon after Ellen.
He is my reason to be here.
I certainly feel like I don't want to do anything except be a mum. I can't get on with life because it doesn't seem important enough...........

[dory]

one moment at a time..... you will get there.... together you and DH will get there.... he's important to you, and you can build on that.

you are already a mum, to your precious angel Ellen, it can take time to get a sense of that, and maybe for some people they don't ever. it's not motherhood as most people recognise it, but for others who are mothers to precious angel babies you are ..... here's why....you loved your Ellen and still do with all that you have, you nutured her as best you could, you cared and still care for her, and you honour her every day just by getting up and facing the day, and trying to find a way forward and you want the best for her and her memory. you write the most amazing poetry for your Ellen....

I am proud of your DH too, that is very courageous of him to go to counselling, it would be easy to try and ignore how he feels, to his and your detriment. I have never really gotten angry, not for a decent amount of time, and it always makes me feel like I love my babies less for it. Sounds wacky huh? It's just an example of how everyone's journey is different.

Have you thought of setting up a tribute page to your darling daughter Ellen? It might be a way that you feel like you could do something proactive to remember her every day and share your thoughts, feelings and beautiful poetry. I can send you a link to some of my favourites .... one on Blogspot is called My Forever Babies Seth and Tait ( or is it Tait and Seth)?

[kateo]

I have been thinking about a page like you are talking about but I am totally not techno savy and it would be a real stretch for me.
I have enough trouble working out how to navigate this site!
I haven't been angry yet either. I have never really been angry in my life....I do disspointed and sad but rarely angry.
I hated the waiting room at the hospital where I had to go to have Ellen. In her memory I have encouraged them to make the waiting room nicer and more comfortable.
I look through the photos we have of Ellen now and then. I want to print them off and make an album but hubby doesn't. He says they are too sad.
thanks again for replying here. It's so nice to know people care. I have lost so many friends since Ellen died and living out here on a farm is pretty isolated.