Ellen Mary my star child

[dory]

Kate

How are you doing today? When I replied to you in the TCC thread, I hadn't yet about your journey to get there and your darling Ellen.

I can't say it better than what Beata and Possum have already said. But it's worth repeating as you need to hear it...... you have done nothing wrong, you have not let anyone down, let alone your little angel Ellen, you are a mother of the most precious sweet child, you are finding your way through grief... and it is the most demanding and heartbreaking journey, you are worthy of letting your blame go, and you are worthy of love and support. You are precious, just hurting.

When people say what you say makes them cry, it means at least in here, and the loss threads, that they understand your pain and wish they could help you in your time of need.

Your poem describes exactly how I felt and acted for so long. It is truly moving - you have a very rare gift with your poetry.... I would be honoured if you felt up to sharing more of your poems.

After a while I noticed I wasn't waking up with the dawn and crying the day my sobs hidden by the birdsong. When I realised it, in fact I missed it, I realised it became a way I felt connected with my babies. I still feel that way, but there are also other feelings there, some of them hopeful for the future. I had to find another way to feel connected with my babies in order to stay sane .... so for me, the way I stay connected and honour my angels, is going to sound corney, but I do it by living. I am the living embodiment of my babies, and they live through me. I honour them, every day by showing the world the love and humilty and grace that my babies showed me. They have given me such a sense of purpose, to live my life with love. That's what works for me. Everyone finds their own way through these dark days.

One of the things that I was most scared of, even when I was crying all the time, was how I moved on once the constant crying stopped, as it was the only way I felt connected to my babies. I just didn't know what came next....

I loved those lights at Alidi, but didn't buy one... so you have one up on me.... at least you acted on your desire.

How is your DH/DP going?

Go gently my sweet... sending you my love and support and encouragement to keep going to counselling with your new counsellor. Grief is hard work and thank goodess most people don't have a lot of "experience" in having to work through it.

I also wanted to say, you are so brave for sharing your experiences of your pregnancy with Ellen and her birth. It's an important step, and takes courage, like so many things on this grief journey.

Remember - you are worthy and you are loved.