I had a wonderful pregnancy after 8 years of TTC. We then were happily pregnant. There was some stress as due to my age and factors around aneasthetic I had to go to a different hospital than I'd planned.
I was healthy and well. My gorgeous baby grew perfectly normally. After her due date passed we went to the hospital on a friday arvo and had an ultrasound and dr checked if I was dilated (nothing going on there).....all good. I mentioned that the baby (I didn't want to know if it was a girl or boy) wasn't moving much. Was told this is normal for them to slow before birth.
A date was set for the following thursday for me to be induced.
We had a happy week-end waiting for our much wished for child.
ON the monday I rang the hospital and was told don't worry babies don't move much before birth. On the Tuesday the nightmare began. We went to the hospital to be checked and the midwife couldn't find a heartbeat. She got a dr and an ultrasound. He couldn't find a heartbeat either but was too scared to tell us. He got another dr who finally told us our baby died. We thought they must have been wrong.
Then I had to be induced and on Wednesday 13.1.10 our beautiful, precious Ellen Mary was born weighing 3.33kg , looking perfect but not breathing. We held her and loved her but she didn't breathe and she didn't cry.
We were shattered.
Her funeral was huge and we had heaps of flowers. It was on the 22.1.10
Our lives are never going to be the same.
Now we are trying to conceive again but so far no luck.
I have a beautiful nursery and lovely baby things but no baby for them.
I can't give things away but I can't bear living with them either.
I should have looked after my baby better. I have let everyone I love down.
big Sweetheart, it wasn't your fault and no one should think that you let them down. You did all you could, and very sadly she was just meant to be an angel. I'm sorry for your loss, it must be very tough after TTC that long. I hope you get a BFP and a baby to hold in your arms very soon
Welcome to BB too, I wish it could have been under happier circumstances, but I'm sure you will be able to find great support on here and a lotta love
Last edited by Olive; July 26th, 2010 at 01:09 PM.
Thank you for sharing your story with us. You havn't let anyone down, please know that it wasn't your fault. Your precious Ellen will always be close to your heart.
Regards,
Dianne
Emmanuel born sleeping 24wks
Trisomy 13
Last edited by diannescruffy; July 26th, 2010 at 01:14 PM.
: removal of ticker
Kateo,
YOu will find some wonderful women to support you here. You can come here and talk about your little girl, vent your frustrations, your hopes and fears. I hope it helps. If only technology was advanced enough to give you the big hug, or squeeze your hand.
As the others have said, you did nothing wrong. If you haven't already perhaps you could contact your local SANDS for extra support.
I have been in touch with Sids in ACT. They are very helpful but nothing actually makes me feel OK.
I just seem to feel worse every month as I get older and I am again not a mother.
I went shopping today and bought light fittings for the nursery. I was going to buy them once my baby was born and I knew if I had a boy or a girl. I got them anyway today.....totally stupid thing to buy something special for a baby I don't even have!
Oh hun I wish I could take some of your pain away for you.... I wish I had some wise words to help comfort you..... Have you been in contact with a counsellor??? You didn't let Ellen down hun.... What kind of light fittings did you buy? Its not silly at all babe ......
I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss of your gorgeous princess, Ellen Mary. We are all here for you and the ladies on here are the most amazing support.
Play free little Ellen and watch over your mummy and daddy.
i am so very sorry for your loss, and as the other ladies have said, you did nothing wrong. you had the instinct that something was not ok, and it wasn't followed through by people that should have been on top of it. i hope that being here with other mothers (and fathers), who have suffered loss, gives you the strength to forgive yourself.
i hope that you get a little baby in your arms soon xoxo
Thanks for your replies.
I have had a very teary day.
I still feel the empty arms of not having my baby.
I have written about 50 poems about how I feel but I can't feel ok.
Ellen Mary my star child
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Sweetheart, it wasn't your fault and no one should think that you let them down. You did all you could, and very sadly she was just meant to be an angel. I'm sorry for your loss, it must be very tough after TTC that long. I hope you get a BFP and a baby to hold in your arms very soon 
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