This is the post I prayed I would never, ever have to write. But this is where I find myself.

Today's scan... I had visions of the outcome running through my head - never did I imagine this.

I didn't know where to look - at DH, at the FS, at the screen... not the screen - the screen was scary. The screen was black, blank, clear, empty.

The FS's words - "I don't have good news for you, Butterfly"... and the last little speck of hope flew out the window at that point in time.

My Caterpillar is gone, and I feel like my heart has been torn in two.

Everywhere I look there's something in the house that reminds me. I'm kicking myself because I'd allowed myself to believe, to hope, to imagine that things could be ok.

My FS has me booked in for a D&C tonight. We have to go to Liverpool for it, but I wanted it to happen as soon as possible.

The drive home from Parramatta has never seemed so long. We had both cars, so I had to drive myself home. The only comfort in that was that every time I looked up, I could see DH's car behind me. Following me home, making sure I was ok. I guess the only good thing about having had so many trips to Parramatta and back with the IVF stuff was that I know the road and I can do it with tears streaming down my face.

Goodbye, my little Caterpillar. I hope your cousin Miranda is taking good care of you.

BW