Goodbye little Caterpillar

[Cuddlepie]

BW, I don't know anything about anti-depressant, but I can understand that detached feeling though and I don't think that has anything to do with the increase dosage. The reason I say that is because I have experience the same....

I haven't cried for 3 days and today is my first day back to work and I feel everything is back to normal now...I can talk to my boss and the colleagus who know what happend without crying, I thought I would have to deal with the constant 'tears in my eyes' scenario, but no...I am fine to function at work....although we haven't actually talk about my loss specially yet...

Only at the weekend, I was walking to the local shops, it was such a beautiful sunny day and I remembered so clearly that I was thinking 'ah, it feels like it happend to someone else, and I am just watching... has that really happened to me?" I think 'detached' is the word I am looking for here...very detached...and I don't feel the pain anymore....and at some point I am wondering 'am I healed already?', "should I be feeling guilty that I forgot my dear baby who I lost so quickly already?"

I have done a painting now hanging in our spare room to memorize 'the 63 days my angel baby lived inside of me', I am going to plant a rose in my front garden and remembering that it is so beautiful and the throne will remind me the pain I went through...but does that justify that I can leave all this memories behind already?

To me , that detached feeling might be just a sign that I am in a different place now...maybe recovering... and I have been thinking, there are lots of positive ways to remember our angel babies as well apart from being depressed, sad and crying...its ok for us to be feeling ok again and to be positive again, to look forward to the future...

I guess we just have to be true to yourself...take as long as you want to grief, to heal and be sad...but don't feel guilty if you are starting to feel ok ...sorry for the babbling but I guess I am just thining it loud as well...

[mrsmac]

I can only answer from an anti depressant POV, most modern anti d's don't make you that detatched, depends on what you are taking but having taken aropax and ciprimil neither of them have made me detached just better able to cope.

[missbelinda77]

BW I agree with BeiBei that the feeling of "detachment" is part of the whole process, as that is something that I went through as well, and probably not related to your dosage.

[Willow]

I had a pap smear done while under general anaesthetic and I didn't even know about it. I wasn't due for one, I wasn't asked if I wanted to have one, I wasn't told that it was going to happen, or that it did happen. First I knew of it was the bill turning up in the mail.

Whoa - BW, I would be seriously upset by this!!! Make sure you bring it up with your FS.

Just wanted to let you know I'm looking in on you and thinking of you...

[butterfly_warrior]

BeiBei, Belinda, thank you so much for your thoughts. It quite possibly is just the process of moving on, and while I know I'm pretty ok now, I know that when we get to trying again I'm going to have a lot of stuff to deal with then.

As for the pathology bill... The only google references I could bring up on the item number where in a paper about cervical screening and stuff, which had me assuming pap smear. But I got to thinking that $200 was way too much for a pap smear. I searched a little further, and eventually rang the the number on the bill. All they can tell me is that it was a biopsy taken during the surgery. They couldn't tell me if it was from me or the baby that I lost, so I guess I'll have to wait until tomorrow for my answers.

BW

[Jennifer13]

Oh BW, hope you get some answers today. $200 is way too much for a pap smear, that's more like $50. But they could have told you about it...

{{Hugs}}

[Cuddlepie]

It quite possibly is just the process of moving on, and while I know I'm pretty ok now, I know that when we get to trying again I'm going to have a lot of stuff to deal with then.
BW

I think we will never know how one day would differ from another...just like we will never be able to know what life could brings on...I was absolutely fine yesterday but this morning on the way walking to the bus stop, a voice in my head trying to convince myself 'ah, not pregnant anymore' made me suddenly remembered those mornings that the voice was saying 'ah, I can't believe Im pregnant'...those thoughts just crushed me, I have tears in my eyes for rest of my journey to work...

I am sure we will have lot of stuff to deal with when we are ready to try again, but at least we can lean on each other to get through this...one step at a time...

BW, I have just received a pathology bill around $185, it says 'investigating tissue taken from surgery', I assume it would be from the fetus...sounds like very similar to yours...

[deancey]

I am so sorry for your loss BW
hugs to you and your partner

[butterfly_warrior]

BeiBei, you have no idea just how much it helps to have someone walking such a similar path to mine. In fact, you probably do. I'm just so tired I can barely string a coherent sentence together. I think part of it comes from the fact that it took so long to accept and believe that I was pregnant, much of the time I felt like it was all happening to someone else, so now it's very easy to believe that the miscarriage happened to someone else and I was never really pregnant at all - it really was the great big cosmic joke I thought it was.

I go back to see the FS tomorrow, and I'm feeling very jittery about it all. I'm looking at my list of questions, and I know there's so much more that I want to ask... I think I'll stay home from bible study tonight to rest up and talk it all through with DH before we go.

Thank you all once again for your tremendous support.

BW

[monnie]

BW...wishing you the very best for your FS appointment tomorrow...

I hope and pray that your FS will answer your questions and truly look into things for you...

I hope that tonight you can rest and the jitters can subside...

Take care chickie!

[barney]

best of luk for tomorrow hun

[Cuddlepie]

Oh, BW, I do know...it may sound funny, but it feels like I am partly living your life as well...like tomorrow is a big day for me, wondering what you would hear from your FS...apart from all the tragedy, its truely a blessing to have someone along side of you to walk the journey...like we can even compare bills so we can abuse them if they overcharged us...

Have a nice evening in and ask all the questions you want and hopefully tomorrow's appointment will answers all the logical part of why this happened...

[butterfly_warrior]

I'm just getting ready for work now...

Last night I wrote out all the questions I had for DH, and we talked about them. I still feel like there's others that I've had, but have forgotten. So I read through this thread again...

14 pages! (ETA - 15 now!) It's been quite a journey, but it's been good to remind myself of the progress I have made. And many, many thanks to those who have walked this path with me.

I'm still feeling quite jittery - and because it's the athletics carnival I won't be able to pop onto BB to calm down and check on things during the day. I also have acupuncture tonight, so I can't see myself getting home until around 8. It's going to be quite hard to debrief during the day as I need it.

Would appreciate the thoughts and prayers of everyone - I think it's going to be a rough day.

BW

[paradise lost]

I'll be thinking and praying for you BW.

You've come SO far hun. Don't write today off yet, i'm praying it will suprise you.

Love and strong, calm vibes

Bx

[Jennifer13]

Thinking of you today, BW, and hoping you remember all of the other qns you need to ask. Maybe if you think about what you're going to type/write when you de-brief as it happens during the day that will help.

[happymel]

Good luck today BW, i hope that you get some of your questions answered and that things go well. Thinking of you.
Mel

[briggsy's girl]

i've been thinking of you all morning BW - i know today is probably going to be emotionally draining, but as you yourself have admitted, you've come a very long way. be gentle on yourself hun - will be looking for your update when i get home tonight

[chickbabe61]

i am so very sorry to hear about your loss. Take care of your self my thoughts are with you and your family