Goodbye little Caterpillar

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

BW, I'm so mad at your school! Can we send some of our terrorists over to bomb it? I work for the NHS, should be able to find some quite quickly. Then again, every time I send you a present something in your life goes wrong so I best never send you nything again as I'm cursed!

[paradise lost]

Ryn i'd send some scottish ones but they forget to put the bombs in the car....doh!

Glad a snuggle with DH has helped BW. I'm also glad he was mad as hell - living my rage vicariously through your husband...



B

[butterfly_warrior]

DH actually got his phone out and started looking through his numbers... I'm glad the appropriate number is only in my phone - things would certainly have been interesting at work tomorrow if he had done anything. I'm a little furious now too, I have enough troubles trying not to blame myself, where the hell does a teacher get off trying to play doctor and telling me why I lost my baby?!?!

Last year one of the other teachers at the school was going through IVF and had several miscarriages... eventually she decided to take a leave of absence for this year, was put on bed rest and is now substantially through a pregnancy that is actually working. I think the person in question is sitting there thinking that what happened for her is happening to me. Bed rest isn't going to stop an immune response. Bed rest isn't going to change the outcome if the baby has a chromosomal problem. Bed rest may help an incompetent cervix, but it appears that my body has more of a problem letting go than holding on.

This is certainly getting me fired up to fight... there's no way in hell I'm going to calmly walk away and take leave without pay! I may use the majority of my full pay sick days each year, but there's a whole bunch of half pay sick days accumulated, and I'll be using every single one of them before I quietly walk away! If that school is going to keep trying to screw me over, I'm going to get everything I can out of them first!

I'm starting to wonder if he was actually trying to provoke me a bit... he'd have seen that sort of thing in me before - to pull me out of depression, give me something to fight against. I'm just not sure now whether I'm fighting the school, or fighting infertility.

BW

[paradise lost]

I'm starting to wonder if he was actually trying to provoke me a bit... he'd have seen that sort of thing in me before - to pull me out of depression, give me something to fight against.

I wondered that too BW but i didn't know how well he knew you... You don't need to fight the school - on moral grounds you've already won. You're a bloody champion, don't forget it (those tassle geriatrics are still here you know, don't MAKE me get them out ).

As for infertility - you can get PG, you CAN do it. You MIGHT have a problem with your immune response and if you do, that will be overcome too.

I don't know who you should fight BW, but if i were the school or the infertility i'd be high-tailing it to the hills - i would NOT want to mess with BW, or team BW.

lovins

Bx

[sportychick]

I am so unbelievably angry at what I have just read. Where do they get off, those good-for-nothing, insensitive pr@#*s!!!!!! How dare they make you feel worthless at work and even suggsting that "work stress" caused your miscarriage is like saying that you sre so "fragile" that you need to rest at home, poor dear. What a shauvanistic attitude. Can I punch them???? please????? You know my DH is Italian, he once offered to find someone to break the legs of someone who whas bullying me at school, and I'm pretty sure he was only half joking..... Maybe we could arrange something.

You do what's best for you. If it were me, I think I'd be looking for a new workplace - sounds like this school has caused you enough grief and that things are never going to change there. Are you in the independent schools union?

[briggsy's girl]

that's the fighting BW we're used to=and whether it's deliberately been proviked, or just stupid insensitivity, it's great to see that spriti shine through. don't let them walk over you - you don't need that cr@p.

and yes, Bec is right - team BW are here for you 110% - no matter what you decide, we will be here with you all the way

take care hun

[Muppity]

Oh BW

I am so angry. How bloody insensitive of them. Who do I call? Where do I go - it is only 3 hours drive - I could be there before school finishes this afternoon. Or maybe tomorrow seeings as that way I could pick up Ryn's next present from the airport first and then go to the school - mental note to Taff - don't let Ryn's present borrow the car.

Don't let the bast@rds win - you have got this far despite them and now you have an multinational army backing you up all the way - there is no way you can loose.

[caddie]

BW i wouldnt even know half of what you have been through but after reading your post i too cant believe that this person could be so insensative and cruel. I am really sad that people in this world can be so miss informed and have no respect for others peoples feelings.The support from your friends here at BB is amazing and i am glad there are people out their willing to give support to you and be great friends.
I hope you come to a decision you are happy with but at the same time dont let them get away from hurting you.Maybe a formal letter of how disgusted you are at them may help? Even to get it off your chest.
I also wanted to ask if i could pm you with a question regarding immunity and sensativities? Thanks BW.

[butterfly_warrior]

Well... if it was intended to fire me up and get me angry enough to fight... then that's what they got! Of course, I don't fight by getting angry back at them - I fight by going in and doing the best bloody job I can! Today I finally feel like my classes are finally getting back under control and are learning effectively once more. No more moping around school for me... Of course, would be a whole lot easier if I didn't have the constant stress headaches, but I'll manage.

I do wonder if he remembered what happened last year with all the evaluation crap - the day this person said to me he didn't think I had what it takes to get through was the very day I got angry enough to stop feeling sorry for myself and I then went in and blew their socks off in the later evaluation lessons... if that was what he was thinking, it's utterly sickening, though.

Caddie, ask away - I can't promise that I know enough to be able to answer, but I'll try.

Has been a long day with acupuncture, and very full-on... I'm going to go rest with DH now. Thank you all for the support and for convincing me that I'm not over reacting. Lets just hope I can keep the fight going a bit longer...

BW

[Willow]

BW, I'm sorry to hear you've been having such a horrid time at work sweetie.

I'm glad to see you've got your fighting spirit back hun!

I know it's hard to see it now, but one day this WILL all be behind you. You just have to hang in there!

[paradise lost]

BW i had a teacher at school who used to do that to me. He'd push and mock and i'd prove him wrong. One day he did it when my mum had had a heart attack the day before and, well, i broke. I stopped trying for him, stopped listening to him, dropped out of his subject. I think he'd seen results with behaving like that and didn't realise how much it was costing me to keep rising to his mean challenges. He definitely meant well, but ultimately he did more harm than good.

I'm so glad you feel like you're back on the rails again. GO you!



Bx

[mrsmac]

Oh BW you have been through such a terrible time I am so sad that your job is making things more stressful and i apologise for people who my relatives may choose to marry also LOL Sometimes the public system has its advantages I have decided after your experiences. Hopefully things will improve after this week.

[butterfly_warrior]

There's been some interesting progress recently...

Acupuncture last night had me all stressed and strung out. I'd nearly cancelled because I really didn't want to go - my usual acupuncturist was away, and I knew I'd be with the other one. She's nice enough, and she did the post-transfer treatment, but I just don't feel like I can relax with her. She kept pushing me to talk about the loss and talk about my plans for some sort of memorial for the Caterpillar. She kept pushing the plant thing, and that's so not going to happen! I have some ideas, but I haven't talked about them with DH, so I really didn't feel comfortable talking about them with a stranger.

Poor DH... we went to bed, and he's expecting to get lucky, and suddenly he has an emotionally disturbed wife on his hands that just can't stop crying. He kept having to spin me around so I'd cry on the pillow rather than on him like normal because he didn't have a T-shirt on at the time. It's funny now that I think about it.

We talked a lot - about how I was worried about the appointment coming, that we'd have to argue and fight for what we wanted. How I was worried I'd be too upset and strung out to be able to ask the questions I needed to ask. How I was worried that the FS would be so focussed on the head stuff and moving forward that he wouldn't want me to even think about things like the spotting when I reduced the prednisone dosage... DH explained that was why he wanted me to write down the questions I have, so that he can ask them for me if I'm too upset.

We talked about councelling... and how I didn't think it would be useful at least until we'd got some medical answers back. And how I didn't think I'd be able to talk about it with a stranger when I can't even find the words to express how I'm feeling with him. I didn't even want to talk about it with the acupuncturist, so how am I going to talk about it with someone I've never even met before?

Eventually we got around to the fact that I was sick of apologising at work for not being there last week. It was making me feel as though I was apologising to the world for having my baby die. I was sick of feeling guilty because certain things at work got messed up. I was feeling guilty because our next FS appointment is on the day of the school athletics carnival and I'll only be there for half a day and I'm messing up the transport arrangements by needing to drive and the teacher who is responsible for organising the event is undergoing chemo treatment for breast cancer and I didn't want to make things more difficult for her...

And with all this I realised that I was more worried about how the miscarriage has effected everyone else rather than worrying and thinking about how it has effected myself and DH - the two main parties involved... And with that realisation the tears stopped the sense of utter confusion stopped (to some extent) and I began to feel a whole lot better.

I'm allowed to be upset, hurt, depressed, angry because my baby died. I'm not allowed to sit here and feel guilty because it kept me away from work and is throwing someone else's plans into utter confusion. Today's been a much better day as a result. I feel as though a huge weight has been lifted, and I'm just not going to let anyone pull guilt trips on me for not being there for my year 12s. It's an 11 week term and I wasn't there for one, I'm going to be there for the other 10 weeks - if they want to sulk, they can go ahead and sulk - it's not my problem!

There is something that is bugging me, however. I arrived home to find a pathology bill in the mail. Requesting doctor was my FS, date requested was the 16th, date of service was the 17th. My initial thought was that maybe the FS had actually had some testing done on the baby... no, turns out (with the help of google) that it was a pap smear. I had a pap smear done while under general anaesthetic and I didn't even know about it. I wasn't due for one, I wasn't asked if I wanted to have one, I wasn't told that it was going to happen, or that it did happen. First I knew of it was the bill turning up in the mail. It just feels odd.

BW

[Jennifer13]

Hi BW

I think you are right, you have been worrying about how everyone else has been affected, but let's face it, in a month's time they'll all be stressing about something else! I hope you and DH take care of each other this weekend and forget all about work.

Just a thought, but maybe the pap smear was done to check for any abnormality that might have affected the pg? Not that I know anything about this!! But I just thought in case you were thinking the FS was getting something out of the way when he should have been focusing on the bigger issue.

I think your DH's suggestion to write all your qns down is a good one. I know if I don't do that I routinely forget at least one. And that's just for a routine visit...

{{Hugs}} I'm glad your first week back is over for you.

[missbelinda77]

BW - I have only just found this thread as I haven't been on much lately myself. I just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry, and from reading all the responses from the rest of the bb community, I'm sure you know how much we all care about you, and are thinking of you. Noone deserves to experience this loss. I know saying this to you, doesn't make anything better or easier to understand.

Not knowing where you fit in anymore on here is something I understand, because sometimes we just fall into too many categories. But saying this, bb was always here for me when I wanted to put my thoughts into words in front of me, especially when DH was at work and I didn't feel I could turn to anyone else.

Suddenly you find a million and one things that you think could have contributed to your loss, and blame yourself, but I discovered that deep down I knew that wasn't true, but the what ifs still surface.

I look forward to hearing how your future appts go with David and Dr S. Every day I wonder which direction I should be heading in, to find the answers and a conclusive solution. I am heading down to Melbourne next weekend for the POSAA conference, in the hope that something new (that I have perhaps missed) will be said will lead me in the right direction. I've also started acupunture recently and I have been considering Dr S - however I have also heard that my current ob/gyn Dr Matthias is the next best thing to Dr S - so I can't be far off the mark. I'm just sick of treading water, and going round in circles - I want a definitive answer/solution - and I agree with Flowerchild, we shouldn't stop until we are happy within ourselves with our answers, because ultimately it's our body, and we know it best.

Do write down everything you can think to ask, because you will forget (even the most obvious questions) - I'm lucky my DH went with me to the follow up appts and grilled my dr. Plus my DH had his own questions to ask, which I didn't even consider (I can be very self-involved sometimes ).

Sorry to be rambling on. I hope your weekend is replenishing for you and you have that inner power to go back to school on monday and show them how strong you are.

Take care,
Belinda

[butterfly_warrior]

Question time...

Around Thursday of last week I got sick of the constant stress headaches and not sleeping so I increased the dosage of my anti-depressants, which I actually take for anxiety issues.

I'm now sleeping properly (or better at least) and no longer have constant headaches that have me taking panadeine constantly through the day and stronger meds (digesic or night strength mersyndol) at night. I can function effectively in my job now.

However, the increased dosage has also had the effect of medicating the crap out of my emotions, and I'm finding that I'm really only dealing with the loss on an intellectual level. I can talk about it without crying, but I now feel detached. I feel rather detached from everything.

Do you think increasing the dosage was the right thing to do? Am I just avoiding the issues that I'll need to face by hiding behind my medication?

BW

[Danni]

bw, I took Mason to visit my Aunty on the weekend and she had bought him a present. a BIG present...

it was a HUGE caterpillar, with bright colours. Its about 2 metres long.

I feel so lucky to have it in my house, and to know that Mason loves it already.

We are all thinking of you

[Ltl Panda]

Hey BW, hun, I would highly recommend you take some time off work to heal, you are so busy with solving problems that you have had no chance to reflect back on your own feelings. Your experience is of loss and you are entitled to grief just like everyone else when they lost a loved one.
Take care of yourself hun, I really do hope you do.