Number Three

[the little red engine]

Hello All
I have just spent some time reading your stories and your words of support and I think you are all amazing. I am somewhat tentative about posting, but I have now had three miscarriages and everytime I have found myself trolling the forums and reading others stories for hope, so I think it's about time I contribute.

Firstly I am blessed with an amazing 3 year old boy who I had not trouble concieving, carrying and birthing - thankfully he is perfectly healthy.

I always said I would wait 3 years between babies, because I wanted time to enjoy my first, without trying to deal with a new one (I didn't cope very well with a newborn the first time). I fell pregnant the second time last year, but started spotting around ten weeks, went for an ultrasound and there was no hearbeat and the baby only measuring 6 weeks. It was July 08 and my husbands 40th so I just got in with it still held a huge party for him and didn't really feel that I was grieving.

I got pregnant soon after and I thought everything was great! I went to my 12 week scan excitied because this was the day I could tell everyone I was pregnant. Unfortunatly there was no heart beat and the baby only measured 9 weeks. I was devastated, I really felt this loss more than the first! I had a D&C a week later and had the baby tested, it came back with downs syndrome! My OB was reassuring me that this meant I wasn't at high risk of mc again.

I took a break over Christmas from TCC but after two months of trying to get pregnant I was really starting to panic (all other pregnancies were in the first two months). My doctor even gave me a referral to a Fertility Clinic to start tracking, but sure enough before my appt, I was pregnant again. I was nervous and didn't tell anyone (even my husband), My OB had given me blood test requests back in December. So I have the 2 tests three days apart from each other, wait over the weekend for the results and finally decide to tell my husband I was pregnant again on the Monday night. Within an hour of telling him, my OB rang to say my HGC levels were falling and the pregnancy was not viable!!!!!

I haven't told many peopleI have mc this time, I don't have the words in me. I'm supposed to be going to dinner with my mothers group next week and I'm dreading it because they've all had there second and one is even onto their third. I'm finding it really difficult to be around people who have two children.

I can't even tell my mum and sister because I was upset with my mum last mc when she told her friends and one of them brought it up to me in a social situation. Also my last mc my sister told me lies that she had done all these caring things like visit the hospital and ring by OB the day I was in for the D & C, but she hadn't done these things at all. I was devastated that she made up stories about my own hurt.

Because I already had the Fertility Clinic referral, I went to see someone on the day I started bleeding. Of course he couldn't do anything while I was mc, and I have to wait two months to take the tests and see him again. Thankfully he said I can still TCC in the mean time and if I get PG I have to ring straight away for PG support. (Progestrone?)

I am also trying not to be mad at my DH because the Fertility OB suggested he take "Menevit" because it can help with DNA damage in the sperm! I had bought and asked my DH to take "Menevit" a year ago when we started trying, he was too lazy, what if it was that and I could already have had a beautiful baby?
I'm sorry this is so long, it kinda feels good to get it all out. It's hard trying to deal with all these emotions on your own.
Thanks for reading!