i dont even know how to start this post

its been so horrible and i dont want to think about it and i dont want to feel the hurt, i just want it all to go away.

after almost 7yrs of ttc we finally found out i was pregnant but it wasnt meant to be. we lost our little miracle "bubba G" last monday after having a 9 week ultrasound to see how everything was going only to find out that you were gone. you werent suppose to go bubba, we seen you on the last ultrasound and your heart was beating and everything looked perfect. how could you have died without me knowing?? i had no pain, no bleeding no nothing. i have had 2 miscarriages before ( about 8-9 yrs ago) and it was nothing like that. losing you bubba g was nothing like them, i never got to see there hearts beating and i never got so far into the pregnancy. how do i move on? i dont know how to take the next step.

in the last 6 days i have had to have 2 D&C's and its been a living night mare!!! i had the first d&c and it was horrible, i have never woken up after surgery and felt so alone or empty like i did that day. then i went home and was in so much pain and there was so much blood and clots so after 2 days of putting up with that i went to the doctor, he put me on 2 different antibotics and another lot of pills to stop the bleeding, after 3 days of being on all the tablets the pain was still getting worse and the bleeding was horrible, i was starting to shiver and shake from the cramps. dp took me back to the doc on tuesday and they sent me away for a scan which showed that they had left bits in me. so yesterday i was admitted back into hospital for ANOTHER d&c and now i am sitting at home still bleeding and still very sore wondering how do i move forward?? i have been through some rough times in my life and yet nothing has shaken me to my core like this. i havent left my house since finding out that bubba G was gone 11 days ago. i am scared!!! i dont want to go back to work and here everyone tell me there sorry and i dont want to go shopping in case i run into people that dont know whats happend and ask me how the pregnancy is going.

i wish this was all over so i can go back to life as normal, but i dont know how to make everything go back to normal??? i dont want to cry anymore and i wish i could stop thinking about everything and just move on, but i cant stop thinking and the tears just keep coming.

i miss you bubba g and would do anything to have you back