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Thread: I am just so sad

  1. #1
    lauri005 Guest

    Default I am just so sad

    I am 42 and have 2 older kids from a previous marriage(18, 14) and a 4 yr old from my 2nd marriage. I became pregnant in Jan. a few days before my 42nd bday. (husband is 33) We were so excited and although I felt so sick all day and night, completely wiped out physically and had brown spotting for the first week, I thought the pregnancy would be fine. We had 2 sonograms because they had trouble finding the heartbeat.(my uterus was high or tipped,which I had never heard before) Both sonograms were measuring fine with a HB. The last was done 3 days(March 26th)before the baby died. The appt. was fine, I had a slight headache for 3 days and still felt tired and nauseous, but all my bloodwork was fine, etc. On March 28th, I started cramping,(like gas pains)nothing major, I ignored it. It went away and started the morning of the 29th. I ignored it, laid around and then in the afternoon, had to pee and felt a gush of fluid with pressure. It was amniotic fluid and within a minute, bright red blood. Never in my life have I seen so much blood. After a sonogram at the hospital, I had to have a D&E. I am just shocked and sad. Everything goes through your mind. The lunchmeat I didn't heat up, the sushi I ate before I knew, etc.. We had just told our families on Easter Sunday because I wanted to be sure. I would have been 14 weeks today. I also had a fetile demise in 1995(my 1st marriage), it also was so shocking because I was 19 wks and went for a routine appt(29 years old), there was no HB and the baby stopped growing at 17 weeks. I had to have a D&E then also because my marriage was basically over and I felt emotionally I couldn't handle going through delivery.(I regret that now)
    I would love to hear from someone who has had similar situations and gone on to have another child. I feel very old and wonder if I should tempt fate again. The Dr. told me that I can't count these losses as 2 in a row, due to a healthy baby in 2003. I feel that something isn't right, maybe thyroid, clotting, progesterone.(Dr. doesn't feel progesterone is necessary, may find new Dr.)I seemed to have trouble conceiving this time,(took 6 mos)but found it strange that I felt so good with my 3 kids' pregnancies but didn't feel well at all with these 2 losses.?
    Thanks for reading this, any imput would be wonderful.


  2. #2

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    I'm so sorry for your loss. Unfortuneatly I don't have any advie for you.

  3. #3

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    I'm so sorry for your loss - it's cruel and unfortunate that drs don't start testing until losses become recurrent. It doesn't take away your pain and doesn't give any answers.
    I see you are in USA? Can you see your PCP and ask for tests for clotting disorders - some of the symptoms for these are heavy periods and easy bruising. I also know of someone whose PCP has her thyroid levels checked every year - the reason for insurance purposes is 'weight gain' - she does have a family member with thryroid problems. Also ask if you can have the test for 'lupus' this is an autoimmune problem that can cause miscarriage.
    Good luck!

  4. #4
    lauri005 Guest

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    Thanks to both of you who replied. I didn't realize this was in Australia until after I posted. I am going to ask for testing when I go for a follow-up in 2 weeks. I just need answers before deciding to try this again.

  5. #5

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    laurie--I'm so, so sorry for your losses! I had my first son at the age of 19 with no complications. When we decided to ttc baby #2, I went in for my routine appt. when I was almost 3 mo's. They didn't hear the heartbeat, so they did an ultrasound. I had what was called a blighted ovum, where the sac developed, but the baby didn't. I had to have a D&C. We tried again a few mo's later. I took a hpt as soon as I was late, got a bfp. I m/c the next week. We tried again a few mo's after that, and the same thing happened again! After that, nothing. Fast forward 5 years, meet someone, fall in love, decide to ttc. It takes 3 mo's after stopping birth control, but pregnancy goes great--no problems whatsoever. Now fast forward 7 years (age 33). 6 mo's after stopping birth control, I get pg. (Jan. 08) Two days before my 13 wk. appt. (Mar.) I start spotting. Not too bad at first, but it didn't stop. I end up m/c on the 5th,the day before my b-day. It's been 1 mo. today. I just wanted to let you know my story since I had a healthy pregnancy, then 3 m/c, then another healthy pg., then another m/c. Although, mine weren't as far along as yours--that must have been terrible! Again, I'm so sorry for your losses! I would definitely have your thyroid checked. My dr. took 7 tubes of blood after my last m/c so that they could make sure there wasn't something genetically wrong with me that would make me have so many m/c, but all those tests came back normal. If you feel like your dr. isn't being as attentive to your needs and the needs of your future child, you should definitely try to find a new one! I think I may end up being in the same boat as you. My dr. told us at our last appt. (when he told us we were m/c) that before we decide to ttc again to let him know because he wanted to put me on progesterone and a baby aspirin a day. He specifically said before we start again. I called him the other day to get the prescription, and he tells me that after I get pg. again he'll start me on the progesterone! He' s trippin'! He can't seem to make up his mind! He also wouldn't give me an u/s when I went in for my 8 wk. appt., and when I had my u/s at what was supposed to be 13 wks., they said the baby stopped growing at 8 wks.!!! I think I should definitely be looking for a new dr. too! I really hope time helps to heal your heart--I'll be thinking of you and praying for you! Good luck with whatever you decide!

  6. #6
    lauri005 Guest

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    Jen,
    Thank you so much for your post. I have been climbing the walls and googling until basic exhaustion! I am so sorry for all of your losses. It is so shocking to realize how many people lose babies, yet after dealing with 2 different OB practices, things haven't really changed with the handling of them in the 13 or so years between mine! I have already made an appt with a new dr. for a week after my follow-up from the D&E. I also have started taking 1600 mg of folic acid. I am going to purchase a book today called Infertility Cure by Randine Lewis. Although I don't seem to have trouble getting pregnant(although it took several months this last time), time is not on my side and a few years ago I took some Chinese herbs and felt extremely well while on them. I am trying to eat better and do some gentle exercise, really just to elevate my mood. When I stress I love junk food, so I have tried not to go that direction! Reading about meditation sounds so good for you, yet my mind doesn't go quiet. I will keep trying! I feel stress had a part in both this and the other loss, yet from day 1 I felt so sick. I wish you an easy, happy pregnancy this time and like you, I want my suppositories BEFORE I get pregnant!
    Good Luck,
    Lauri

  7. #7

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    lauri--I know exactly what you mean about your mind not going quiet. It's like a slideshow that just continues to play in your mind! I'm so glad to hear that you've already made an appt. with a new dr. I've also heard that folic acid helps. I started taking 1 baby aspirin a day, though I'm not really sure how it helps! It still seems surreal to me that I actually had the m/c, b'cuz everything seemed to be fine--even up to a week after the m/c, my body still felt pg. (symptom-wise)! That, I think, was the toughest part for me--the fact that even though I knew the baby was gone, it was like my body didn't know, and still responded as though everything was going fine.
    I know how hard this can be, so please keep in touch--it truly helps talking to others who know exactly what you're going through! Good luck with your new dr., and I hope all your dreams come true!

  8. #8
    lauri005 Guest

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    Jen,
    I still wake up in the morning and think I am pregnant, then it hits me. I had just told everyone and purchased nursing bras(which came in the mail a few days after the D&E)and a beautiful Laura Ashley quilt because I was positive it was a girl. I read your original post and went through most of the same emotions. I have a daughter and then 2 sons. I love my sons but now that my daughter is starting her own life(18 yrs old, college etc.) I really wanted to experience a girl with my 2nd husband. I am conflicted with having 3 healthy kids and some women can't have any. Am I asking for too much? Is my body too old or too unhealthy to put these little fetuses through this? It is so hard to see little babies on TV or anywhere right now. I am sure everyone on this site has experienced this. I still have fullness in my stomach and it is still tender and swollen. I just want it to get back to "normal"(did I ever have normal?) and try again. Have you experienced any bruising with taking the 1 baby aspirin a day? I tried this for health reasons(just read it in a magazine) a year or two ago and found I was bruising for no reason in places I didn't remember bumping. I have 2 pages of questions for these drs. I hope they can answer most of them with more than an I don't know. Thanks so much for posting. I will keep in touch.
    Lauri

  9. #9

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    Lauri--IKWYM about feeling like you're asking too much, and feeling almost guilty b'cuz there are people out there that don't even have 1 child! Part of me feels like I should be happy and satisfied with the children that I do have--but I've always wanted a girl of my own. When I met my step daughters they were 3 & 6, so I've never been able to experience having my own newborn girl! Now, all I want is a healthy baby--boy or girl!
    I personally haven't experienced any bruising with the baby aspirin, but I've only been taking it for about 4 days, so I'm not really sure what to expect. Have you had any blood tests done to make sure everything's getting back to "normal"? I was supposed to go in on Thurs. to make sure my hcg levels have dropped, but forgot all about it. Guess I'll go in on Mon. for that. Monday begins my fertile days, and Wed. supposed to be O--started ttc last night. Because female sperm live longer than males, (I think I read that females can live 3-5 days) I'm hoping that last night was the night for my girl! DF will be very happy for the next week or so, b'cuz I'm going to try my hardest to make this my month! DF feels we should try everyday except for the days AF's in town--lol what a typical male, huh? Good luck with your appt! Thanks again just for listening!

  10. #10
    lauri005 Guest

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    Jen,
    I feel exactly that way too! Just a healthy child, no matter the sex.(although I completely understand anyone wanting to have whatever sex child they don't have!!)(plus the adorable girl clothes and toys. Sorry, after Tonka trucks and jeans and little work boots, I dream in pink!) I have not had any bloodwork yet. I go back on April 15th(same day as my amnio had been scheduled) and want to be swabbed for everything I didn't have checked because I was sure I didn't have anything wrong. My amniotic sac broke before any bleeding, which makes me think infection.? I don't know, but I will be pushing for clotting panels, thyroid screening, antiphospholipid screening and whether my RH shot worked from the last pregnancy(according to the regular pregnancy bloodwork, everything was fine, but for all the blood taken(4 or 5 tubes) no hormones were checked and everything that was checked was such basic stuff.)I will try the aspirin and the suppositories because from all the books I have read this week(6 or 7 on miscarriage), it can't hurt. I am still bleeding although it has been a week. It browns then turns red with activity. I wanted ttc last night just because I was crawling out of my skin with thinking about all this but worried my cervix was still open slightly and the bleeding would worsen. I have read all different timing for trying again. The Dr. said wait until I get my period. Online and some books say 3 months, and I also read that women get pregnant immediately. Who knows? I just hope I have a few fertile cycles left!!
    Anyway, thanks for all your info and thoughts. My friends and family haven't been through this and basically can't understand. Have a great day and I will write you soon.
    Lauri

  11. #11
    lauri005 Guest

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    Jen,
    I rambled so much that I forgot to wish you extreme baby dust and good luck with getting pregnant!!
    Lauri

  12. #12

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    Lauri--Thanks for the luck and baby dust! Right back atcha! It's funny about what you said about dreaming in pink & the girl clothes! I know exactly what you mean! I wore something pink every single day when I was pg hoping to somehow will my baby into being a girl!
    Just finished my first cycle yesterday and started ttc. My dr. wanted me to wait 2 months, but there's just no way I can wait that long! I also read that there's no medical reason why you would have to wait that long. It's a personal thing, different for everyone, but you'll know when you're ready. So glad to have met you, even though it's under the worst of circumstances! I wish you all the luck in the world, whenever you decide it's right for you!

  13. #13

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    Lauri--Hope things are going well for you--you're in my thoughts! Hope you have a great day!

  14. #14
    lauri005 Guest

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    Hi Jen,
    Just wanted to see how you were. I am waiting for a period(I guess?) and scheduled a
    sonogram to make sure that everything in there is the way it should be! I also am doing a very large panel of blood tests, but can't do any of this for 2 wks. The DR. thinks I have an enlarged uterus. I have never heard that term but googled it and I guess it could mean fibroids. I hope all is well. Please let me know how you are doing.
    Lauri

  15. #15

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    Hi laurie--I've been wondering how you're doing, thanks for the post! I hope AF comes and goes in a flash for you. I hope your sonogram goes well, and I'm glad to hear you're getting the blood test done. My dr. took 7 vials of blood after my m/c, and my tests all came back normal. When you decide to start TTC we'd love to have you over in the Trying to Conceive after M/C thread--we'll make sure you get all the support you need! Have a great day and thanks again for keeping in touch! Let me know if there's anything you need!

  16. #16

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    laurie! Just checking in on you! Hope things are looking up for you! You've been in my thoughts!

  17. #17
    lauri005 Guest

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    Hi Jen,
    I am doing well, just waiting for my period. I still have random cramping and don't know if it is period related or what. I have been reading that D&C(or E's) cause you hormones to plummet quickly, so I understand why I am so moody and irritable. Hopefully all is well with you and you will be pregnant quickly! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
    Lauri

  18. #18

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    Hey laurie-- Just wanted to say hi and see how things were going. Hope you're doing well!

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