Hi all
I don't know whether writing this is going to make me feel worse or better. This morning doc tells me the pregnancy won't proceed, the baby has died at 11 weeks. I knew something was wrong because I started to lose side effects, so I went to the doctor and he redid the blood test.
We never expected to have kids. 3 years ago we were told that without IVF, we would likely never conceive. Back then, at age 41, the stats were not good for falling pregnant even with IVF. So gave up on the idea. 2.5 years later, surprise surprise, I get pregnant, for the first time in my life. We were astonished, it was supposed to be a less than 1 in 30,000 chance. My partner suffers debilitating depression, and all of a sudden he changed, he had something to live for again. I knew that at age 43 my chances of miscarriage were higher, but even then it didn't stop us starting to read books and thinking up names and planning a future we never, ever expected we'd have. Our doctor is really kind and said he was really disappointed for us--we have been through so much these last few years, and this suddenly became a blip of hope, of joy for the future aside from our dreary selves. I had suffered anorexia in the past, and so I felt this to be a miracle. Being pregnant also gave me a new love and respect for my body, and an "aha" realisation: that this is what my body is for. All my other plans for a new career etc paled in comparison to this. I sit here and write and starting to bleed and must have D&C (is that scary?) on Monday. We came home, lay in bed and just bawled our eyes out. The odds were stacked against us, they still are, and I have no hope of it ever happening again, with the fertility profile as it was, and my age. I enjoyed reading these forums, but have no place any more. Those of you who have even one child, you are lucky and blessed. thank you for reading this. I'm surprised I'm able to write...I'm numb and at a loss for words.
Metaphorica