Hi Ladies;

I am hoping this doesn't turn out too long. I need to get how I feel out. I need to talk to women who have and who are going through the pain of losing a child. I won't tell the whole story. I am a college student, I take care of both of my Parents. amongst everything that has happened to me within the past 5 months.

On July 1st of 2009 I found out I was pregnant. I was happy,elated and excited. I also 2 days later found out that my nephew committed suicide on the 3rd of july. I was devastated, crying day and night. a day later I left out of state to plan his funeral. I saw hi body. I felt like I was going to die. I was worried about being pregnant and dealing with grief. I am still grieving till this day. . it took me till sometime in August to stop ceying everyday over him dying. When i got back in town it was very very rough. The end of July I start spotting, very faintly. It stopped a day then came back on the 1st of August, i started cramping so we called the doctor i was seen on august 3rd. In the office after doing a ultrasound the doctor told me my pregnancy was threathened. I had to come back at 2pm that day. I had started bleeding again, but then cramping had stopped. Long story short i started going into premature labor at 3 months. I was standing in a puddle of blood and the contractions were horrible. . i was screaming,bleeding and contractions kept going. . My fiance rushed me to the the doctors office. . i had started passing clots of blood. He did another ultra sound and couldn't see the baby. . he apologized to us and i kept screaming except it had gotten worse and i was still contracting and the bleeding was horrible. I looked down and found my baby. . just laying there. . it looked strange, just in a sac. . and i started screaming. the nurse showed my doctor and i couldn't move, as if i was paralyzed. As my fiance cried i wouldn't look at him, I blamed myself ( and apart of me still does), I blamed it on my nephew dying, I blamed on the current stress i had in my life. I was torn and I still am. That baby was my miracle. Since then life had been so hard. . Its been 5months since and I don't cry endless i see the ultra sound pictures i first got. I am still hurting, I feel wierd, I feel lost and like a hole is there, I feel empty, I feel like i lost apart of me. I want to know there are others who are going through this .... I need help.


I started reading forums about a month ago and it has helped hearing others stories. If you are going through this I hope you'll respond. I feel like i kinda going crazy just because i feel so many different things . . so many emotions. I wish I had carried long enough to know the sex, at least. And on top of still grieving for my baby and the lost of newphew. My mother just had a stroke and my Father has gotten sicker.

I'm so sorry to every woman who has gone through this. .