Oh, sweetheart, I'm so sorry
You are so, so strong to tell us about it - I wish there were something I could do to ease your pain, I really do. You can get through this - one hour at a time, ok? My heart's bleeding for your precious baby who tried to make it for you.
I hope you have a support network IRL around you where you can fall apart and they can help put you back together, slowly.
You're in a good place here in BB, too - you can fall apart with the girls here
My thoughts are with you and your family