thank you everyone, the ramble helped significantly and today was a very good day. Coming on here and hearing that my feelings of grieve are valid while everyone seems to think i should be relieved is really fantastic. thank you all so much. My father (who is and has been amazing regardless of this absolute **** up) told me yesterday that i should greatful, a few sad weeks but a more fulfilling 30 years without an accidental child. not quite how i'm feeling dad. but thanks for the lack of empathy.. all i can think is that he has clearly never been pregnant. I will have babies one day and they will be amazing and that's one positive- at least I know i can have babies. apparently quite easily even with the use of contraception. btw I hear you on the never having sex again- i'm pretty terrified myself. especially not with mr. super-i-can-get-through-condoms-sperm . thank you all again for your kind words.