more decisions...

[jo76]

i had a phone call from the hospital today to say our baby was back from having the post mortem. That to start with made me feel physically sick. Our counsellor told us we could pick up our baby and she would help organise the cremation through the place for us. The only problem is that the test results won't be back until sometimein the next 6 weeks. My husband said tonight that he would prefer to wait to do all the cremation things until we know what sex we are doing the service for which as terrible as it sounds, i kinda agree. Our heartbreak is there regardless but i think we feel as though while we have results oustanding (for lack of a better word)for anything they have to give us for our baby we are not at the point to be able to cremate. Does this make sense? am i talking in circles? am i a terrible person for feeling this way or are we being crazy having to make ourselves wait, which means in the meantime we may drag the immediate grieving out a bt more if we wait.The hospital i'm sure we were told could keep our baby until we were ready. 6 weeks is so long... I don't know...still so many angles to this i just could'nt have imagined trying to make decisions on ever. My husband asked why i am speaking to one of my friends about all of this and not him and i said that he is the hardest one to speak to about it and was so hurt that he could'nt wrap his mind around why i felt that way. i am so confused and frustrated and dreading work next week...

[munchy]

Hi honey

from my personal experiance i wish now i had waited but at the time i just didnt think when i had my little girl at 23 wks i was told that i had had a boy so when it came to the cremation i had a blue candle and blue flowers etc and then about 5 weeks later i had my appointment to get the post morton results to be told infact that i had had a girl i was devestated as i named her brooklyn thinking she was a boy as through my whole preganany i thought i was having a girl and said if it was a girl i would call her summer the docs said they were truely sorry and this mistake had only happened once before me he said the midwfe shouldnt have really said anything they said that i could have a ceromony to rename her but i didnt want to go through it all again at the end of day she was still the same baby that i cremated i just wish i had known she was a girl i have always wanted a little girl sorry to ramble on but thought i would tell you my story i dont think you are a bad person at all to wait just do what you feel is right honey hope you make a desicion soon.

take care

Munchy xxx

[Auntie M]

i am so sorry for your loss. unfortunately, all of the confusion and contrary emotions and anger and grief are so "normal" for this deep grief. do what feels right to you, no matter what that is. wait if that is what you need to do. i sincerely doubt it will make the grief last any longer than it would have anyway. you will carry this pain for a long, long time. be good to yourself, and allow those feelings to run their course. find your support where you can, and also keep close to your dh -- that shared grief bond can be so supportive at this time. big hugs to you, xxoom

[Visitor9]

We found out the sex of our little one by the pathologist. The doctors and nurses were not prepared to tell us our babys sex until it had been confirmed. I would voice your concerns with the counsellor and request that your baby be identified before you collect him or her, I think it may be a small insision not too sure but we had a 100% guarantee of what DD was within the hr.

I also know what it is like to be sure your baby is one sex and then find out you were wrong somehow it feels like you never knew your baby and everything you felt was a lie.

I'm sending you hugs and hope that you can have the service for your little one that you and DH finds fitting to this little life that may of been here ever so shortly but in your heart forever.

[jo76]

well, i got the call today and we have found out the sex - a beautiful boy who we will name Jack Nova. My Midwife got the results rushed through for us due to the situation. Jack was always going to be the boys name as I have always thought it was a strong name and fitting for our baby as it lived for a few weeks longer despite the development of his body itself stopping.Nova is a navajo indian name i found and it means new star and butterfly chaser which i loved. The butterfly has become the symbol our our baby and esp the white ones you sometimes see flying around. My husband and i have seen 3 this week total so we are sure it is a sign for us. Does it help knowing the sex no, and i for some reason believed that it might. We are doing the cremation next week on tuesday and after hating the thought of having our baby at home and having to keep his body in our fridge until that day its all i want to do to spend some time with him now. Is that crazy? I'm not sure how i would cope with our baby like that so i am still unsure of what we may do. Is it getting easier no, i felt a little stronger this last day and now i feel as though it is all crumbling agin...

[chris]

Jo
What a strong name Jack Nova. I love the meanings.

Take care
Chris

[Auntie M]

Jo, Jack Nova is a beautiful name for your little boy. and no, it is not crazy that you want to spend every possible second with your baby. my dh and i were the same way. finally, dh had to send Yeti's body away because he saw that i could not bring myself to do it, no matter the physical realities. just allow yourself to crumble, dear, it is all you can do. you will pick up again later when you can. big hugs to you. xxoom

[Lynn]

Jack Nova is a beautiful and strong name. I love the meaning of Nova. I think it is beautiful that you are seeing butterflies and this is your sign. Tuesday will be a difficult day but I will be thinking of you I can understand you wanting to spend as much time as you can with your precious little bub. We still have Cooper's ashes at home because I just can't take him to his garden at the crematorium. You just need to do what is best for you.

I'm sure Jack has found Cooper and all the other special bubs and they are all playing peacefully amongst the stars

[MistyFying]

I love the name you've chosen for your son "Jack Nova". May you feel peace as your grieve your precious little one