i am so sorry for your loss. unfortunately, all of the confusion and contrary emotions and anger and grief are so "normal" for this deep grief. do what feels right to you, no matter what that is. wait if that is what you need to do. i sincerely doubt it will make the grief last any longer than it would have anyway. you will carry this pain for a long, long time. be good to yourself, and allow those feelings to run their course. find your support where you can, and also keep close to your dh -- that shared grief bond can be so supportive at this time. big hugs to you, xxoom