Lost my New Year's Eve Surprise

[Winston]

I wasn't going to post in here. to be honest, i wasn't going to come on this site ever again, or at least until I was planning something and wanted more of the wonderful support I have recieved here. I thought I needed to move on, continue with the direction my life was taking until i was shocked with this pregnancy . finish my degree, work hard, save money and go travelling. Today I just can't stop crying. IT was today last week that I started bleeding properly. I've been really good, you know, I'm a social work student. I just social worked myself and made sure i was dealing with everything properly. yesterday was really good, the happiest I've been all year, i wasnt tired and confused and scared and had a really good day and good shift behind the bar. I thought i was moving forward. then this morning i woke up and i've been crying ever since. I want my baby. i want everything it promised and that i had decided to fight for, fight my family who thought it was a bad decision, tell the unsuspecting father. i want it back. i want to know if it was a boy or a girl. now i'm scared that i will never have a child in a way that I was never scared before. and i can't know, i wish life was a pick your own adventure novel where i could peek at the outcome before I chose a path. becasue now i'd pick the outcome where i have a family. i'll never have my first pregnancy again. it's over and today i'm finding that really hard. sorry i'm just rambling. thanks for reading.

[aussienic]

I am sorry

[Me+him+bub]

oh darl im so sorry to see u in here ive been there before myself, i still cry about the bub i never had even though i have a bit if hope this time round. I know its hard but just TRY to think about the pros and cons, you said it yourself u wanted to do all these wonderful things and i know from earlier posts u werent in a serious relationship, this by no means makes the loss any less significant but if u can hold onto some sort of positive from this experience it will make it a little bit easier, also this doesnt mean u will not be able to have a baby in the future, every pregnancy is different and having one loss does not increase the chances next time round. If u want to chat feel free to PM me as im often online and would love to help, as for the family thing i can relate i get the looks of dissapointment from my mother and family too even though im engaged and almost 22, so im no stranger there!

[AliBaby]

I have been where you are now and it is not a nice place. Every day is different. You can have good days and you can have sad ones. Today is a sad day for you and that is okay. It is also okay to have good days.

I know that after I lost my first pregnancy i was scared to have sex again and thought I never would. I was afraid because I didnt want to risk falling pregnant and losing another baby. In my mind the only way to make sure I didnt expereience the pain of a loss was to avoid the slightest possibility of falling pregnant.

I remember not wanting to speak to anybody about it. I ddint want comfort from family and friends. I jsut wanted to be left alone. My little dogs helped me so much aas they would jsut lie there and let me sob into them whilst I cuddled them.

Something I found very therapeutic was to buy a beautiful candle. The most beautiful one I could find. One night about 2 weeks after I miscarried and DP was out, I lit the candle and sat there staring at it and cried my eyes out. I asked all the questions I needed to ask out loud to the candle, I just needed to release what was inside me and it made me feel so much better after. I blew out the candle when I felt it was enough. I still have the candle in a box with the positive preg test. I could never get rid of them.

But life did move on. The sad days become less frequent and I did eventually fall pregnant and have so far nto had any problems. I feel very blessed and know that the little one that I lost is up there looking out for this little one and looking out for me.

Life throws so many challenges at us. No that you can get the support you need from here and that you will have many people here to hold you up when you can't do this yourself.

[kristi14]

I am so sorry for your loss

Sending you lots of strength.

[PandaGirl]

im so sorry for your loss

[Liviam]

I'm so sorry for you loss. Please be kind to yourself while you grieve.

[Tegam]

please take your time. dont feel bad when you are having low bads and dont feel guilty when you have good days..... glad you rambled! thats what we are here for!

[Visitor8]

I am so sorry for your loss. Hugs hunni. Go slowly.

[shannan319]

I am sorry for your loss

[~Aveta~]

hun. how awful, i feel for you.

[Lolli]

Oh hun I am so sorry. Allow yourself to grieve for as long as you need to

[Winston]

thank you everyone, the ramble helped significantly and today was a very good day. Coming on here and hearing that my feelings of grieve are valid while everyone seems to think i should be relieved is really fantastic. thank you all so much. My father (who is and has been amazing regardless of this absolute **** up) told me yesterday that i should greatful, a few sad weeks but a more fulfilling 30 years without an accidental child. not quite how i'm feeling dad. but thanks for the lack of empathy.. all i can think is that he has clearly never been pregnant. I will have babies one day and they will be amazing and that's one positive- at least I know i can have babies. apparently quite easily even with the use of contraception. btw I hear you on the never having sex again- i'm pretty terrified myself. especially not with mr. super-i-can-get-through-condoms-sperm . thank you all again for your kind words.

[Mumma&Bubba(s)]

btw I hear you on the never having sex again- i'm pretty terrified myself. especially not with mr. super-i-can-get-through-condoms-sperm

I'm so sorry to hear that things didn't work out sweety
It's really great to see you crack a joke whilst dealing with your loss.
Planned or unplanned - it's not any easier losing a baby.
Take care of yourself and do what's best for you.

[BekZ]

Take care of yourself sweety..Times like these are never easy. Come on BB and let your heart out whenever you need.

[Turkish Delight]

The sad days do tend to become infrequent but tears will always well up when you remember that lost baby of yours. It's not easy early on but the pain does ease a little as time goes on.

xxoo

[~clover~]

Thinking of you & your angel hunni.

[Winston]

Thank you all again for your kind words. It really does mean a lot to me. I don't understand my emotions most of the time but they come and I try to just feel them regardless. I still cry and I still wish my baby was growing safely with me. I got a tatoo on my wrist, a rose and now feel she's with me forever, in my heart.