Oh Ellie, I'm so sorry things have been so hard for you. Don't give up.

When I lost our baby my SIL sent me a book which really helped me work through my grief. In it was an old Chinese proverb:

You cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from circling over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair.

Please take care of yourself and hang in there. You are meant to be a Mummy, you just have to keep saying that to yourself.