Not sure what i hope to get out of this post. Maybe just to talk if anyone will listen.Particularly to those who have been through several losses - how you keep on coping
I have recently suffered my fourth m/c , with a total loss of 6 babies (past 2 m/c's were twins). I am desperately awaiting any possible medical explanation,following cytogenetics, but having been there before, i will not be suprised if there are no answers. I have had all the tests, laparoscopies etc etc etc
Its a real killer, having no answers. After the first 2 unexplained losses, I kind of accepted the "bad luck" scenario. However, now its all getting a bit to much. I cannot accept "bad luck" anymore and I am just so tired, mentally and physically, of the constant heartbreak.
I would have to say this loss is probably one of the worst. I just never expected to be in such a small minority of women to lose so many babies. I cannot ignore it anymore. 6 babies is just not within the realms of "acceptable/expected" pregnancy loss for one person. I think it is also harder because i now know what I've got to go through (especially menatlly) before i will come out the other side. I don't want to face all that grief again. I've done it to many times and I just don't want to go there again. This is like a nightmare version of Groundhog Day just replaing over and over again.
In the past, I would spend hours reasearching possible causes and treatment, looking for answers and hope. Now, I am just to tired. I want someone else to tell me what i need to do to get the baby i so desperately want.
I don't concieve naturally either, which just adds to the whole package. I truly don't mind the medical intervention if it gets me what i want but the endless rounds of hormones, scans, bloods etc etc are becoming a drain. So much rides on each cycle and yet even getting the ,much longed for "pregnant" result, doesn't bring me the joy it would to most. I now see it as a relief that at least I've passed the first hurdle but then the endless waiting, hoping and praying just goes on and on, only to be crushed brutally with yet more dead babies.
I know I'm beginning to ramble now but wondering if anyone else "gets" this?
Ironically, just as this gets tougher with each loss, the support seems to dwindle.
Barely any of my family/friends have contacted me this time around. I guess people just expect me to lose babies now and don't realise that it certainly doesn't get any less painful. Most people avoid me for fear of not knowing what to do or say but couldn't they at least acknowledge the death of our babies?
I will keep trying, there is no doubt, until I get that baby but how many more losses will that take? Can I really do it? I wish there was that elusive answer!
I don't know the answer for you but I do know I am here - whenever you need it. Too far away for a shoulder and a hug but not that far away. You were my inspiration with a breech delivery. I can only hope to offer you the same support
As for where to go next - I guess it depends on what tests you have already had and what your specialists are aware of management wise. Then it is a case of will you travel or can you do a phone consult (Dr S for example). What are you prepared to take etc.
I am so sorry you are losing your babies. I wish I had answers for you. But you can do this - with all the support you need
Meredith, also offering a listening ear and a virtual shoulder and a degree of understanding of what it is to lose babies after going through assisted conception.
I can't add much more to what Michelle has already said, but I did want to let you know that you are never far from my thoughts even though the real world around you may be pushing you into the too hard basket.
Meredith I'm so sorry that support in real life has dwindled. I wish I could say or do something to ease your pain hun. I'm thinking of you , and praying that some answers are revealed for you soon. Wish I could deliver that in person x
Oh Sweetheart...
You know that I know where you are and it's a dark dark place - one that I sometimes find myself thrust back into - there is a piece of our heart that belongs to each of our goodbye babies that many people just don't understand.
After my 3rd mid tri loss - it was only those really really close to me that enveloped me in their arms. Even DH thought I would just be fine. I was used to this right? Wrong.
I understand that feeling of knowing how long and hard the journey is through this grief and just not even wanting to go there again. I truly understand this my love and I empathise from the bottom of my heart.
Practically - you have had all the tests - but have you had the NK cell test from DR S? As gorgeous Michelle said you have to decide how far you will go. Only DR S will do the endometrial biopsy that counts each NK cell - I went to a lecture by him on this. He has a pathologist that works for him and those NK cells are counted manually - no machines. It's arduous but I believe this is where he gets his more definitive result.
You know too that there are many many conditions that we just don't have tests for or answers for. Many of the conditions we know of now weren't heard of 5 years ago. It is arrogant of any doctor to say "your tests are clear it's bad luck". Having said that your losses haven't been consecutive - this is something that may be used as the "just bad luck" line. I was fortunate (if you could call it that. ) that my 6 losses were consecutive - it made the docs sit up and take notice.
You are an educated assertive woman - don't let anyone tell you this is bad luck if your gut is saying that. Cling to the hope that you have a beautiful son who has made it through all of this. If you do it once you can do it again.
How do you get through? It's different for us all. For me I was doggedly determined. I was not going to take no - I believed that in time the pain would go to a place inside me that I could open and look at and close again - or at the very least wouldn't engulf me with the most hideous of grief that it did initially. I was right.
YOu need support - make sure you lean on us. YOu need answers - decide how far you will go and go that far and a little more. Believe. You have to believe that this baby/s is coming to you - visualise him/her with you. Belief is the most important thing.
I wish I could give you a hug in person, and support you in person. But I am here - whenever you need me I am here.
Again i am so sorry for your losses and i am more sorry that the support is not there as it should be. With each loss the pain is just as great as the first, each baby holds hopes and our dreams and then crash bang its all over and when you also need AC it does at to the burden i know. Meredith all i can offer you is a big fat and take time out for yourself hun, believe that one day it will happen that the only way i keep going. I have heard alot about this Dr S so maybe he is worth seeing - please know we are all here for you sweetie. You will find strength again when YOU are ready.
struggling with recurrent loss
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Wish I could deliver that in person x
) that my 6 losses were consecutive - it made the docs sit up and take notice.
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