Not sure what i hope to get out of this post. Maybe just to talk if anyone will listen.Particularly to those who have been through several losses - how you keep on coping
I have recently suffered my fourth m/c , with a total loss of 6 babies (past 2 m/c's were twins). I am desperately awaiting any possible medical explanation,following cytogenetics, but having been there before, i will not be suprised if there are no answers. I have had all the tests, laparoscopies etc etc etc
Its a real killer, having no answers. After the first 2 unexplained losses, I kind of accepted the "bad luck" scenario. However, now its all getting a bit to much. I cannot accept "bad luck" anymore and I am just so tired, mentally and physically, of the constant heartbreak.
I would have to say this loss is probably one of the worst. I just never expected to be in such a small minority of women to lose so many babies. I cannot ignore it anymore. 6 babies is just not within the realms of "acceptable/expected" pregnancy loss for one person. I think it is also harder because i now know what I've got to go through (especially menatlly) before i will come out the other side. I don't want to face all that grief again. I've done it to many times and I just don't want to go there again. This is like a nightmare version of Groundhog Day just replaing over and over again.
In the past, I would spend hours reasearching possible causes and treatment, looking for answers and hope. Now, I am just to tired. I want someone else to tell me what i need to do to get the baby i so desperately want.
I don't concieve naturally either, which just adds to the whole package. I truly don't mind the medical intervention if it gets me what i want but the endless rounds of hormones, scans, bloods etc etc are becoming a drain. So much rides on each cycle and yet even getting the ,much longed for "pregnant" result, doesn't bring me the joy it would to most. I now see it as a relief that at least I've passed the first hurdle but then the endless waiting, hoping and praying just goes on and on, only to be crushed brutally with yet more dead babies.
I know I'm beginning to ramble now but wondering if anyone else "gets" this?
Ironically, just as this gets tougher with each loss, the support seems to dwindle.
Barely any of my family/friends have contacted me this time around. I guess people just expect me to lose babies now and don't realise that it certainly doesn't get any less painful. Most people avoid me for fear of not knowing what to do or say but couldn't they at least acknowledge the death of our babies?
I will keep trying, there is no doubt, until I get that baby but how many more losses will that take? Can I really do it? I wish there was that elusive answer!