Not sure what i hope to get out of this post. Maybe just to talk if anyone will listen.Particularly to those who have been through several losses - how you keep on coping
I have recently suffered my fourth m/c , with a total loss of 6 babies (past 2 m/c's were twins). I am desperately awaiting any possible medical explanation,following cytogenetics, but having been there before, i will not be suprised if there are no answers. I have had all the tests, laparoscopies etc etc etc
Its a real killer, having no answers. After the first 2 unexplained losses, I kind of accepted the "bad luck" scenario. However, now its all getting a bit to much. I cannot accept "bad luck" anymore and I am just so tired, mentally and physically, of the constant heartbreak.
I would have to say this loss is probably one of the worst. I just never expected to be in such a small minority of women to lose so many babies. I cannot ignore it anymore. 6 babies is just not within the realms of "acceptable/expected" pregnancy loss for one person. I think it is also harder because i now know what I've got to go through (especially menatlly) before i will come out the other side. I don't want to face all that grief again. I've done it to many times and I just don't want to go there again. This is like a nightmare version of Groundhog Day just replaing over and over again.
In the past, I would spend hours reasearching possible causes and treatment, looking for answers and hope. Now, I am just to tired. I want someone else to tell me what i need to do to get the baby i so desperately want.
I don't concieve naturally either, which just adds to the whole package. I truly don't mind the medical intervention if it gets me what i want but the endless rounds of hormones, scans, bloods etc etc are becoming a drain. So much rides on each cycle and yet even getting the ,much longed for "pregnant" result, doesn't bring me the joy it would to most. I now see it as a relief that at least I've passed the first hurdle but then the endless waiting, hoping and praying just goes on and on, only to be crushed brutally with yet more dead babies.
I know I'm beginning to ramble now but wondering if anyone else "gets" this?
Ironically, just as this gets tougher with each loss, the support seems to dwindle.
Barely any of my family/friends have contacted me this time around. I guess people just expect me to lose babies now and don't realise that it certainly doesn't get any less painful. Most people avoid me for fear of not knowing what to do or say but couldn't they at least acknowledge the death of our babies?
I will keep trying, there is no doubt, until I get that baby but how many more losses will that take? Can I really do it? I wish there was that elusive answer!
I don't know the answer for you but I do know I am here - whenever you need it. Too far away for a shoulder and a hug but not that far away. You were my inspiration with a breech delivery. I can only hope to offer you the same support
As for where to go next - I guess it depends on what tests you have already had and what your specialists are aware of management wise. Then it is a case of will you travel or can you do a phone consult (Dr S for example). What are you prepared to take etc.
I am so sorry you are losing your babies. I wish I had answers for you. But you can do this - with all the support you need
Meredith, also offering a listening ear and a virtual shoulder and a degree of understanding of what it is to lose babies after going through assisted conception.
I can't add much more to what Michelle has already said, but I did want to let you know that you are never far from my thoughts even though the real world around you may be pushing you into the too hard basket.
Meredith I'm so sorry that support in real life has dwindled. I wish I could say or do something to ease your pain hun. I'm thinking of you , and praying that some answers are revealed for you soon. Wish I could deliver that in person x
Oh Sweetheart...
You know that I know where you are and it's a dark dark place - one that I sometimes find myself thrust back into - there is a piece of our heart that belongs to each of our goodbye babies that many people just don't understand.
After my 3rd mid tri loss - it was only those really really close to me that enveloped me in their arms. Even DH thought I would just be fine. I was used to this right? Wrong.
I understand that feeling of knowing how long and hard the journey is through this grief and just not even wanting to go there again. I truly understand this my love and I empathise from the bottom of my heart.
Practically - you have had all the tests - but have you had the NK cell test from DR S? As gorgeous Michelle said you have to decide how far you will go. Only DR S will do the endometrial biopsy that counts each NK cell - I went to a lecture by him on this. He has a pathologist that works for him and those NK cells are counted manually - no machines. It's arduous but I believe this is where he gets his more definitive result.
You know too that there are many many conditions that we just don't have tests for or answers for. Many of the conditions we know of now weren't heard of 5 years ago. It is arrogant of any doctor to say "your tests are clear it's bad luck". Having said that your losses haven't been consecutive - this is something that may be used as the "just bad luck" line. I was fortunate (if you could call it that. ) that my 6 losses were consecutive - it made the docs sit up and take notice.
You are an educated assertive woman - don't let anyone tell you this is bad luck if your gut is saying that. Cling to the hope that you have a beautiful son who has made it through all of this. If you do it once you can do it again.
How do you get through? It's different for us all. For me I was doggedly determined. I was not going to take no - I believed that in time the pain would go to a place inside me that I could open and look at and close again - or at the very least wouldn't engulf me with the most hideous of grief that it did initially. I was right.
YOu need support - make sure you lean on us. YOu need answers - decide how far you will go and go that far and a little more. Believe. You have to believe that this baby/s is coming to you - visualise him/her with you. Belief is the most important thing.
I wish I could give you a hug in person, and support you in person. But I am here - whenever you need me I am here.
Again i am so sorry for your losses and i am more sorry that the support is not there as it should be. With each loss the pain is just as great as the first, each baby holds hopes and our dreams and then crash bang its all over and when you also need AC it does at to the burden i know. Meredith all i can offer you is a big fat and take time out for yourself hun, believe that one day it will happen that the only way i keep going. I have heard alot about this Dr S so maybe he is worth seeing - please know we are all here for you sweetie. You will find strength again when YOU are ready.
Meredith
I am so sorry...I totally get everything you have said...I never got any answers as to why I lost my babies...all the testing came back clear...not a single hint at what it could be. I hope you get some answers and as for family and friends...they just don't get it do they? I ended up being really blunt with people in the end..."so I'm guessing I haven't heard from you for ages because you didn't know what to say about us losing another baby"...harsh but felt good and allowed for some very 'open' communication!
Anytime you want to talk, vent,scream...I'm here...you couldn't say anything that I haven't said or thought at some point! You have every right to feel the way you are feeling...look after YOU!!!
hey...
i could not go past and not post. You bought tears to my eyes...Part of what you wrote is so true for me also. Even tho i have just suffered my 2nd late loss (22weeks) and i can't even grasp the reality of that happening yet, much less cope with all that you have been through. You actually have amazing strength, and i know that you don't feel that right now but you do, just to come and vent and question everything shows that! You have some fight in you left and i really believe we need to hold strong to that so we get through. Even in our worst moments.I come on here everytday as i am afraid if i don't i will lose that strength to eventually want to try again. I need to be around people who are "my sameness". i am waiting on test results and hope with all my heart that they tell us SOMETHING! my background is that i have had 2 completely healthy pregnancies and kids and then have gone through these 2 losses. They can't understand what may have changed when i am still as healthy (as far as i am aware!) as i have always been and there is no history in our familes at all of any major disabilites or illnesses. I too am so desperate to hold a baby in my arms again and i am coming up against the "you have 2 healthy kids already" jibe, and i am 1000% thankful for them but does that mean i can't express the heartache at losing 2 kids and the dreams i had for them and that I LOVED from the start as much as the 2 that lived. There is something in people that cannot connect to that. I can't imagine being shut out from people in your life after that many losses either, if anything they should be even more supportive, really! I found out who my true friends were when i lost jack but have to agree i feel much lonelier this time losing madison. It IS as though people think, shes done it before, she'll get through again...not so easy! I NEVER expected this to happen again. Then one friend i did open up to, i realised was asking questions to set aside her own curiosity rather than to help me talk about it. I felt so stupid for allowing her to see the beauty of Madison and not seeing why she was doing it! People keep saying how strong i am...if they saw me at night when my family are in bed and my emotions do finally catch up with me in the quietness...they would all see the truth of my heartbreak, anger and disbelief in this place we are put through!
Sorry to hijack your post - i wanted you to know that you are not alone in your thoughts and if you ever need someone please pm me! sending you so many
x jo
Jo - you are right all of us who have said Goodbye are so strong. And I hear you on the assumption that it's somehow not as bad when you already have children. I too heard that.
The world just doesn't seem to get that each grief is a mountain for the Mama involved. It's huge. And coming in here to as you said "the sameness" is one way to help ease the pain.
I truly hope you can get the professional medical attention you deserve. Maybe you can find a doctor who'll try some treatment. Even though you have clear tests as Flowerchild said there are conditions out there yet to be identified, and maybe some preventative blood thinners or something might help.
I'm so sorry people in your life aren't recognising the magnitude of your loss. Rest assured there is lots and lots of support and hugs for you here
Thanks ladies. Its sadly comforting to know that there are at least a few other women who have been where I am. I just wish there were none of us.
Jo and Flowerchild - yep, having a child/children somehow is supposed to compensate for everything. If one more person tells me "just look at your beautiful son" or "at least you can get pregnant", I swear i am going to lose it!! Of course I am forever grateful for my precious boy. Doesn't mean I am any less sad about losing another child! And, yes, I do fall pg, albeit not "easily" but that doesn't get me anything when I just lose babies.
Michelle, BW and FC - I have a phone appt with Dr s next Thurs. I made the appt last week thanks to all your suggestions. Will see what he has to say but really still have to wait on results from these babies. If they were normal then I will certainly be pushing for pred. I am already using Clexane.
if results show another trisomy then will probably do PGD but I would still feel more comfortable adding in pred as well.
Just wish I could start trying again tomorrow. I know that is the only thing that will bring me "back", so to speak! Will probably be an agonisingly long wait, however. My HCG was 264,000 a few days prior to D&C and still feeling very sadly pg almost 2 weeks later. My HCG being that high then the suddeness of the loss is probably why I don't really expect genetic cause. It really seems to me that the babies were growing just as they should but were suddenly "killed". I don't know, I could be totally wrong. its just my "feeling'.
Meredith, a very wise woman once talked me into listening to my gut feelings. She said they were rarely wrong, and she's right. We didn't find the full answer to my problems all at once, but listening to my gut feeling and going with what I thought best for my situation turns out to have worked. I think it's important to keep in mind that even though the people you consult may be doctors and experts in their field, the ONLY person who is an expert in YOUR body is you. As soon as you start to vary even slightly away from normal or start combining different health problems, you really need to become an expert in things yourself and take the bits of advice from each doctor that you feel best fit your situation. Fortunately, most people don't need three different specialists just to keep them healthy!
Good luck with Dr S. He truly is an amazing man and you will certainly come away from that phone consult feeling like you have been heard and listened to. I hope he has some helpful suggestions for you.
I have lost one baby and that's one too many and so can only imagine you pain. I wish i could be there and hold your hand through all this.
Many people, how unfortanate as it is don't really find early losses that tragic (i have experienced from my recent m/c too). They tell me i am being silly and so forth when i cry and remember my little bub. Just accept people for what they are. I'm sure you have friends that DO care (incl. all of us here on BB) and know that we and they are with you every step of the way. We cry, when you cry, we laugh, smile and celebrate when you do. We are all your friends here. I know that people here do care about lifes ups and downs.
It seems unfair how life seems to deals us the bad hand all the time but we need to be strong to overcome these hurdles. These hurdles will make you stronger. Try and be positive and push the negative energy away.
I am sure you will fall pregnant it's just a matter of time. My gf had all sorts of problems when TTC, multiple m/c (about 5-6 icl. twins), ectopic pregnancy, pre-eclampsia related stillborn at about 32-34 weeks and now she has 2 healthy bubs. Try and remain focussed and positive. Don't give up!
Meredith,
My Goodbye Babies taught me about gut feelings. That was their lesson (or at least one of them ) to their Mama.
If your feeling is that you need to go a particular way - do it. Don't falter, don't swerve. You have to do it.
I funnelled my grief into action - that was my way. I became a bit frenzied I spent hundreds of hours learning, buying research papers and reading. On reflection - it was quite fanatical...
But, it was my way. Not wrong or right but Deb's way.
You will find your way, but as you do listen to that little voice that we all have - that intuition because in my experience it is never wrong.
My intuition was ignored and Caitlyn is not here. I followed my instinct and I have Oscar. Trust yourself and what you feel. Like Deb, I researched and studied and sought and found so much stuff that I amaze myself with what I have learned
You need to do whatever it takes to get you through this time. Allow yourself to grieve and use that beautiful intensity and dedication to achieving your dream - another beautiful baby like L. Here if you need anything - including research
Oh Meredith, I feel like I've been through your last two losses with you as I've followed your journey through various threads.
I have no clever answers or solutions but I just wanted to let you know that I understand your grief, anger, loneliness and desperation.
I've heard the "at least you can get pregnant" line too, like it's better to have said goodbye than not say hello at all. Having said that, I would do everything the same, knowing what the outcome would be, just to have my little boy for those 22wks.
Interesting what everyone is saying about gut instinct. Mine says there's nothing wrong me with and nothing with my little Hamish either. However, that's my gut, the rest of me inluding my head and my mouth is choosing to go the scared like crazy route.
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struggling with recurrent loss
Wish I could deliver that in person x
) that my 6 losses were consecutive - it made the docs sit up and take notice.
) as i have always been and there is no history in our familes at all of any major disabilites or illnesses. I too am so desperate to hold a baby in my arms again and i am coming up against the "you have 2 healthy kids already" jibe, and i am 1000% thankful for them but does that mean i can't express the heartache at losing 2 kids and the dreams i had for them and that I LOVED from the start as much as the 2 that lived. There is something in people that cannot connect to that. I can't imagine being shut out from people in your life after that many losses either, if anything they should be even more supportive, really! I found out who my true friends were when i lost jack but have to agree i feel much lonelier this time losing madison. It IS as though people think, shes done it before, she'll get through again...not so easy! I NEVER expected this to happen again. Then one friend i did open up to, i realised was asking questions to set aside her own curiosity rather than to help me talk about it. I felt so stupid for allowing her to see the beauty of Madison and not seeing why she was doing it! People keep saying how strong i am...if they saw me at night when my family are in bed and my emotions do finally catch up with me in the quietness...they would all see the truth of my heartbreak, anger and disbelief in this place we are put through!
) to their Mama.
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