things just keep getting worse..

[~Kim~]

I hope you get some answers soon Meredith
Let it out hun.
You haven't failed at all...sounds like there's lots of people who have (but shouldn't have) failed you.

[MeredithD]

Thanks ladies, for listening to my ranting and understanding my pain. There are not to many people in my "real" world who will do that so thankyou!

Good and bad news today.
The good is that tomorrow's trip to Sydney is going ahead. DrS says they don't know how pregancy hormones will affect test but to do it anyway so I will at least get that out of the way. Not expecting answers but at least I'll know I have done it.
Bad news is that a scan today confirmed some retained placental tissue which is happily growing like i'm still pg. Explains why my pg symptoms are getting worse rather than easing.
My Dr is with me on the reluctance to do yet another D&C ( I've had waaay to many) so we will try misoprostol tabs and pray I can expel it over the next few days. Not convinced its going to work given its had 4 weeks to come out and no sign of shifting,but crossing everything. How ironic to be desperate for pregnancy but, now equally desperate for it all to e gone. How can my body be so good at killing babies but so reluctant to give them up?!!

[Macca79]

for you Meredith. you have gone through more then any one person should ever have to go through. I hope you have good results from your trip to Sydney and that everything goes smoothly. Just remember that there will people thinking about you and sending you lots of positive vibes. Good luck and stay strong, your an amazing woman .

[butterfly_warrior]

Meredith, I'm hoping and praying that today reveals answers... even if it's a no, it's a problem that is ruled out at least (but still frustrating, I know!). I'll also be hoping and praying that the tablets work. The situation you are in must make moving on so incredibly difficult.

BW

[dellydoo]

Meredith honey - I am in Sydney now and until the middle of next week. If you need some support let me know as I am doing 2 tenths of sod all. There is so much pain and anger in your post and this is just being compounded by your latest bad news. Please remember words are really powerful - you need to love yourself sweetheart.
Love to you
Adele

[Bun]

Meredith, I am so glad you can still have the test. I hope it gives you some answers, or at least rules something out. You have been through so much and I think you are coping remarkably well with it all.

I had miso for my first m/c, my body was the same as yours - it just didn't want to let go! I also didn't want a d & c and needed a couple of doses of miso until all the 'product' (hate that word) went. Good luck sweetie, I will be thinking of you

[MeredithD]

Thought I would pop my weary head in to let you all know how things went.
Yesterday was a very long day but all went well. I took DS with me as he is still under 2 so didn't cost anything and he was good company! Loved all the plane/train/ferry rides!

NK cell test came back a defnitive positive.
Total NK cells = 20.1% - anything over 18% is considered very significant
Activated CD69+ cells =12.1- over 8.0 is a problem

The only slight confusion to results is that I am currently fighting off some viral laryngitis/chest thing plus the retained product issue
DrS said cannot be sure how these would affect results but my levels seem to high to ignore.
I am suprised by results. Truly thought I would come back with nothing but simply satisfied to have done the test.
Now I guess we might have some explanation but no one knows for sure. I have obviously had a genetic loss as well
I am certainly more content with my gut feeling to use prednisolone next pg. I now have a defnite "reason" to use and praying that it does prove to be the "answer" to producing another live bubba.
I am also going back through the grief/guilt about this last m/c. Maybe if I'd taken the pred last time (which had been discussed) my babies would still be with me. I know its not something i will ever know but not sure how to shake that "what if" guilt.
Still considering IVF/PGD as well. Spoke with DrS about it and he was all for PGD ( said as long as you can afford it!). Thinking at this stage that i would prefer to be aggressive and throw everything we have at the next pg. Maybe we dodn't need it all but i don't want any regrets if we were unlucky enough to lose another.

Mind you, can't get to caught up in thinking about next time. This bit of placenta is going to be very, very stubborn i think. Took the first dose of miso last night plus had acupuncture today..... lots and lots of nasty cramping but very little to show for it. Have one more dose of miso to use tonight so praying that produces something.