I feel like a bit of a whining, wet blanket but I have no where or no one else to let out my ongoing frustration/sadness.
I feel like i really want o move forward but this pregnancy just won't let go of me (emotionally and pysically).
I took a couple of doses of misoprostol over weekend and all it brought was horrible pain, feeling really unwell and a small amt of bleeding. No placental tissue.
Should have been 12 weeks today. I had thought ahead to this week, thinking what a wonderful time of celebration we would be having. Instead, I had a scan today, not showing two lovely wriggling babies, just a chunk of stubborn placenta still happily sitting in there with a great blood supply! So, no celebrations.... booked for more surgery on friday. My FS is going to do hysterosopy so she can see it and hopefully just fish it out without doing much damage elsewhere.
Sonographer today was very nice, fortunately. Told me she had had retained product(though smaller amt) in same corner of her uterus and left it to clear on its own. It eventually did but took 3 MONTHS!! NO way I'm waiting that long to stop feeling pg or to try again.
I really wanted to be doing another cycle in Oct but defnitely not going to happen now.
I know I really do sound like a whinger, so sorry, but I just want things to work out "right" for a change. I'm tired of all the complications and anguish. Just need something to go my way, at least once.
Hopefully "my turn"is coming soon. Surely it has to?
Meredith, after all you have been through, I think you are quite entitled to have a whinge if you need to! Not that you come across as whinging with no reason... it's a damned tough road you have walked! Take care of yourself, vent when you need to vent, cry when you need to cry... I hope the hysteroscopy goes well and that you are back on track very soon.
Meredith, no one thinks you're a whinger. You have every right to feel exactly the way you're feeling and we are all here to support you so don't feel like you can't come in here whenever you want to say what's on your mind. for you.
Thought I would update for anyone who might still follow this thread... the saga continues but hopefully alomst at an end (for this chapter anyway!)
Had repeat surgery yesterday to remove the last, stubborn, remaining remanent of this pregnancy.
Had speciafically requested to be scheduled early as i take AGES to wake from GA. Was called early in the morning to be told I was being pushed back a couple of hrs ( no reason given). Arrived at alloted time of 2pm. Waiting, waiting..... finally called through and told admission would be quick as I was next on the list... yeh! Well, over 2hrs later, I am still sitting there waiting. NO one telling me anything until my Dr finally comes in and tells me I've been pushed back cos she wants another Dr to come in to theatre to do u/s and make sure she gets it all. This was actually done with my initial surgery (and obviously missed the reatianed product) but I am at least thankful she is trying to do the best by me. Just wish someone could have told me that several hrs ago so i knew what was going on!!!
Anyway, small chunk of placenta was removed via hysteroscopy and as far as they could tell all seems clear now.
yet again, I am very sadly dissapointed by the nursing care in recovery. I have had many post m/c surgical procedures and I can only remember once being treated with real empathy.
I was done well after 5pm and as expected, was taking my usual looong time to recover. Nurses didn't care, just wanted me up and out so they could go home. NO one acknowledged the sadness of why I was actually there. I know i shouldn't let it get to me but it upsets me more each time. How hard is it just to be kind to someone?!! Just some sort of "I'm sorry you have to be here again and for this reason" but no, just a number. Just another lady having a gynae surgery.
Oh and we all want to go home... so wake up NOW!!
Top "cow" nurse was actually shoving lemonade straw down my throat before i could barely open my eyes, telling me I HAD to drink this now if I wanted to go home that night.
And to top it all off, I had to listen to two newborn cries as they were delivered by c-sec. Broke my heart. Then was in bed opposite one of the mothers as she recovered, listening to all the congrats about her lovely new son. I certainly don't begrudge her happiness, just didn't need it right after I'd had the last traces of my lost twins, cruelly scraped from my insides.
Sorry about the whinge. I just wish someone in these hospitals could just be kind for a change. It would make a momumental difference to my fragile state of mind.
Hopefully this is the end of it and I never have to be in hospital for this reason ever again.
I am now sooo desperate to try again so hopefully my HCG levels will fall quickly from now on
Meredith... It really does make things worse, doesn't it?
I recall the nurses being quite decent in recovery after my D&C - even though it was well after 8pm when I'd gone into surgery. I was only there for the initial stage, though, and was taken to a room for later on... my bed was wheeled through the maternity section and all I could hear was babies crying... The room I was put in had posters about how to do particular things with newborns. All I can remember is DH putting the TV on and both of sitting with our eyes glued to it so we didn't have to look at anything else, and firmly shutting the door to block out the rest of the noise. Around 1am the nurses gave me the option of staying for the night or going home... Obviously we went home. I couldn't face the thought of waking up the next morning without my baby and without my husband there.
I have tears now... for my remembered experience and for the fact that you have had to do this way too many times. I know as women we are strong and can endure a lot - but it never really feels like it when you are at that point of breaking.
My thoughts and prayers will be with you - and the thought of what insensitive nurses can do to make the emotional recovery even harder is making me so angry right now!
Meredith I just wanted to send you a great big hunni. I want to go and give those awful nurses a thump and tell them to be kind and show some care to those who have been through such a rough time.
Sending you more
Take care sweet and please don't ever feel like you are whinging,because you're not. You are just getting all your feelings out and we are all here to support you
I'm still reading hun, and i will continue to be, so keep talking if you need to.
I'm so sorry you were treated that way in hospital. Do they not even have seperate obs and gynae? The hospital i didn't give birth in (had a homebirth) was pretty grim but they at least had a seperate ward for mat patients whose babies didn't make it! That said, it was a big teaching hospital, so maybe that's why. It's terrible to expect a woman who's just lost a baby to watch another being congratulated over her newborn Perhaps when you're feeling stronger you should write to them about your experiences, it's not good enough to treat mothers who have lost their babies with such a lack of compassion.
I am glad at least that you can perhaps finally be allowed to close the physical chapter of your grief and get on with your recovery. I wish there were some wonderful words to give you that will make everything seem better, but if there are i don't know them. We are here. We are listening. We care. It's so far from enough it's not even funny, but it's all we have.
Had a wee cry for you writing this. Big loves to you hun, keep your chin up.
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Take care of yourself, vent when you need to vent, cry when you need to cry... I hope the hysteroscopy goes well and that you are back on track very soon.
Perhaps when you're feeling stronger you should write to them about your experiences, it's not good enough to treat mothers who have lost their babies with such a lack of compassion.
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