We're not even a week from my little NIkitas passing and I am wondering how on earth I am going to get through this.
I cannot help feel responsible for her death even though logic tells me there was nothing I could have done.
I feel ashamed that I am already pre occupied with thoughts about what will happen "next time"
I enjoy the physical pain from my caesarean and my very full breasts as it takes away from my emotional pain.
I can't seem to face the outside world and have stayed in dorrs since we came home on Tuesday. I can't take phone calls or stand to be around anyone except my husband.
How do I go back to work and when, when do I take the first step of going back to some sort of a normal life, how do you know when its time?
We're meeting with the funeral man today, what can you say about a baby who was here for a week only.
I never want to go through this again but know I don't have any control over it. I just want my little girl back and to hold her alive in my arms, feel her little heart beating and breathing against my chest.
nae i dont think were designed to ever get over something like this, nor should you feel you have to, you need to take all the time YOU need to gather your thoughts and emotions.
my bestie lost her DS during birth 8 weeks prior to my DD been born, ive never felt as low as i did the day he died, i held him, touched his face, smelt his smell, memories i will always treasure.
as for his funeral it was the most emotional thing i have been too (crying writting this) but of so beautiful, the celebrant talked of mums pregnancy, dreams they had for their little boy, she read a book 'guess how much i love you' played some songs close to hearts. at the end they released balloons.
they had his hand and foots castings done, lock of hair cut, heaps of photos that they display with pride and love.
Oh Nae I am so dearly sorry for your loss It's just not fair. Please don't hold yourself responsible though. It is NOT your fault. Sending you lots of strength to get through the time ahead of you and I will be thinking of you
My deepest sympathy for losing your baby girl, there is no greater pain and sorrow in this life than what you are going through. All I can say is just let those tears flow on and on, and forget about the rest of the world for the time being, in fact for as long as it takes.
I totally understand that you might feel somehow responsible, I think as a mother you never lose that. And you are a MUM and will aways be.
There are lots a lovely ways to honour her life, and to keep her close to your heart, many of which have been listed on this site, i'm sure someone can point you in the right direction. But I particularly like getting a special piece of jewellery with her birthstone on it, and I planted a memorial garden for my 2 angels with my favourite trees and flowers. It's not huge and it will take years to grow, but I walk into it every day and think of them.
I am very sorry to hear of Nikita's passing. This a very emotional time for you and your family. Give yourself time to grieve. Don't worry about things like when you should go back to work etc, just try and get through each day.
You've got some good ideas from AJP and mj-mummy.
I wish you all the best with everything and I hope you have a beautiful funeral for your little girl. I'll be thinking of you.
I am so so sorry. I was in a similar position not so long ago and it is such a horrible place to be. You will somehow manage to survive the funeral - although it probably feels that right now you will never get through.
I'm still only finding my feet in the outside world and I wish I could offer some advice but there are others here who are further on down the track who will be able to provide you with the reassurance that things do get better.
Its easy to say don't feel ashamed about how you feel, but your emotions and feelings cannot be helped and whatever helps you cope or get through this period cannot be judged. It is natural to feel somehow responsible for what happened, even if logic knows otherwise, but try to reassure yourself that this was out of your control - I'm sure that if you had any power to change what has happened, you would.
Please let us know how you are going - you will be in my thoughts!!
I am very sorry that your precious Nikita has flown to heaven. I know exactly how you are feeling and I promise you that you will get through this. Be kind to yourself and let your feelings guide you. Don't see anyone but your DH if that's what you want to do - that's certainly what I was like.
Have the service for her and celebrate the time you did have with her and all the wonderful things you and DH shared with Nikita as her mummy and daddy. I didn't want to have a service for my Hamish at all but now I'm glad I did as I wanted our families and close friends to recognise that he was born and he was here even though it was only for a short time.
I went back to work only 2wks after we lost Hamish but I didn't have a caesarean which takes longer to recover from. I found it really helped me to be back to a 'normal' routine as life didn't seem so bleak and endless and pointless.
Of course you want your darling little girl back, and although you can't physically hold her anymore, you can hold her memory in your heart and feel her heartbeat in yours.
Nae Nae - you get over it one day at a time. And then you realise you are never really over it - it just becomes easier to face the day and function. Eventually you live again. One day you will laugh and smile. It just takes time - and for each of us that amount of time is different.
I didn't have a c-section but I took my full allowance of maternity leave (public service is 14 weeks). I couldn't have faced going back to work before then. I needed the opportunity to cry when I wanted to and stay in bed all day if I felt that is what I wanted to do. I faced the world slowly. When I felt I could face the (seemingly) thousands of pregnant women and babies who crossed my path. I ended up going back to work after Caitlyn's due date had passed. I needed to spend that time (and particularly the day and the weeks leading up to it) at home.
I also felt a perverse pleasure in my milk coming in. To me it meant that at least some part of me worked properly even if I couldn't grow my baby. As for the funeral - we had a lovely service with just our immediate family. The religious focus was soothing for me even though I had so much anger for why it happened and what sort of God allowed this.
Don't feel guilty about thinking about the next time. It is normal and natural to want the baby you were planning but it is also normal to want to try again. When that is is different for everyone but for me - I wanted to try again immediately. I wanted a baby. I had lost my little girl and I was grieving for her but it didn't take away the desire for a child. Your only concern will be the physical recovery from the c-section and what the recommendation from your OB is.
Men and women grieve differently so don't be surprised if you feel that DH has *got over it* and you are still way behind. It doesn't mean he has - he is just processing it in his way and that is ok too. Use those of us who have walked a similar path to vent to and bounce off. Be gentle with yourself and remember - you are a mummy to a very special little girl who will always be with you.
Dear NaeNae,
I'm so desperately sad to hear about darling Nikita's passing. I really have no words to say to you that could possibly help. When we lost our first baby bubble my SIL sent me a book (she had a baby boy that was born sleeping at 37 weeks), and it helped my sort out my head. It's called "Help Comfort & Hope" by Hannah Lothrop ISBN 1 86204 379 5.
Take care and be kind to yourself.
i'm so so sorry nae nae
my heart just sank when i read about little nikita
we're all here for you in any way we can be, thinking of you and your family xox
I saw your notice in the Births section of the paper the other day. It was a lovely notice.
You can take faith and hope in the knowledge that you did everything you possibly could for little Nikita. She will always be a part of you and will be looking over you, DH and your children who are not yet here.
Caesarians are not easy to recover from, and I found six weeks was really the limit before I began to feel physically normal again. Emotionally, however, it took a lot longer to recover. One day at a time. As was said in Nemo... just keep swimming. Know that there are many, many others out there who are praying for you and who care deeply about you and how you are feeling.
I will say a special prayer for little Nikita on Thursday. THinking of you.
First of all i would like to say how sorry i am times like these are awful, i know how your feeling cos i lost my 10 week old baby begining of this year. The pregnancy was shocking all way through then i gave birth 8 weeks early to a beautiful baby boy. 10 weeks after that i lossed him, my heart aches everyday and i cry most days away, me and my hubby live in the cemetrey cos thats all we know, im not going to say it gets easier cos it doesnt but i do think you just deal with it everyday. Anyway im here if you ever want to talk to me
How do you get through it?
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