SJL, you have every right to feel angry and hurt. She is your daughter and therefore a part of their family. They are being disrepectful and downright disgusting. Their behaviour is appalling.
Personally I would tell them exactly how I feel (probably with expletives!) and since they can't accept your beautiful daughter, then they don't deserve to have either her or you in their life. They are obviously not the sort of people you want your daughter associating with with their narrow minded attitude.
I apologise if that seems harsh but it is something I feel very strongly about (obviously!).
I have 3 nieces and 2 nephews. One niece is the daughter of my sisters partner so while not biologically part of 'my' family, she is just as important as the others. My parents include her as their grandchild and we all love her and are just as proud of her as if my sister gave birth to her. She is not adopted but we don't consider that important.
SJL how hurtful for you and your daughter Can you have a quiet word with your family and let them know that while you are very happy a new baby is being born into the family, that their comments about that baby being the "first" grandchild etc are hurting your feelings. Explain that you would hate for your little one to overhear these comments, as that may "lessen" her sense of belonging in your extended family. You said that over the years you thought they had embraced your daughter... and maybe they have and this hopefully is some thoughtless comments made by people who haven't really thought through the consequences of their words, rather than some intentional statements by people who don't see your daughter as part of the family. I hope you can work it out.
A word of caution if I may? Even though your family's comments about your daughter are hurtful, the little bub about to be born is also an innocent in this situation. Try to walk a higher path and embrace that little one into your family, even if you think the favour isn't being returned.
I hope this works out for all of you, and that your daughter continues to feel loved, valued and a significant part of your wider family
I have spoken to a couple of people in my family about how their comments have been making me feel and they don't seem to get my point. My father plays dumb when I have discussed it with him, he ignores my comments and changes the subject.
My daughter's birth age is 14yrs but developmentally she is about the same as a 1-2 yr old, her understanding at times is the same as a toddler and occassionally appears to be age appropriate (it varies on the circumstances and environment). She is currently diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy and an Intellectual disability.
Thank fully she has not heard any of the comments (While this is the main focus of conversation, I am avoiding haveing her involved in conversations and I am unsure how much she would understand/take in anyway), but she has been picking up how I am feeling and has become very clingy which she does when I am upset.
Her disability was why I adopted her, It was either me or institution style accomodation, which is not right for any child especially a child with her needs.
The new baby will not be treaded any differently by me because of the families attitude. The baby is not the one making the hurtful comments and who knows maybe by christmas when the baby is due to join us they may have realised and gotten over thier initial excitement.
I'm so sorry to hear about those comments being made by your family..
I would be very hurt too if i was in your position. Well you know in your heart she's part of your family. Your the most important person in her life and please hold onto that. YOUR love and acceptance is what she would want the most.
I commend you for taking on a child and accepting her just as she is warts and all, you're a rare kind of person.
As for your father playing dumb. Call him out on it someday, and ask him why he loves you as his daughter and how would he feel he had a stroke and you treated him differently and not part of the family because he has a disability.
I hope your family come round soon to seeing the treasure that I bet your daughter is.
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Can you have a quiet word with your family and let them know that while you are very happy a new baby is being born into the family, that their comments about that baby being the "first" grandchild etc are hurting your feelings. Explain that you would hate for your little one to overhear these comments, as that may "lessen" her sense of belonging in your extended family. You said that over the years you thought they had embraced your daughter... and maybe they have and this hopefully is some thoughtless comments made by people who haven't really thought through the consequences of their words, rather than some intentional statements by people who don't see your daughter as part of the family. I hope you can work it out.
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