The Adoption Journey - General Discussion #1

[{sarah}]

Welcome to the Adoption Journey - General Discussion!

If you are thinking about adoption or are already adopting a child, if you have any questions or would like to share your experiences, please post your messages here!

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[sazzafrazz]

Hi Lil chookie and Panthya
Ive been reading all through here with great interest. We have begun the ardurous journey down the International Adoption path in the last year. We havent looked at locally because when we looked into it a few years ago we were dissuaded at every turn by officials saying there is a very low number of children. We were told it would take forever, but it seems that may have only been South Australia! It sounds like it could be much speedier for you which is GREAT news. We have completed stage one which, like you girls was very exciting and felt like a really solid positive step after so long waiting TTC. It was hard not to shout from the rooftops "hooray, something is finally happening!!!" We stppped at stage 2 to have another go at ICSI as we havent tried this for about 6 years. but failing that we will proceed with the process.
Good luck to you both, I am really excited for you and wish you all the best for a speedy time of things... hope you have the family you have always wanted really soon.
((big hugs))

[Panthya]

Hi sazzafrazz

My husband and I actually started the Intercountry Adoption process in October 2005 and in December 2006 we were up to sending in our life stories and a cheque so that we could move on to getting a social worker. But we deferred (put on hold) ICA for the next 2 years because we just couldnt afford the costs and Local adoption was something we had considered 10 years ago before going through IVF and looking at surrogacy, then we considered it again while we were going through the ICA process.
I think going as far as we did with the ICA has really helped us in regards to Local as for us ICA was exciting but it was also stressful due to the money issues and worrying about approval, where as with the local I'm more excited and positive and more relaxed if thats possible So I think Local Adoption is the right way for us at this stage.

Good luck to you as well

[Panthya]

Hey Lil Chookie,

I heard from DHS today (they got our paper work today ) and we got into the May education groups as the March ones were already filled by the October info session people.

So a letter in the mail should arrive early next week to actually confirm that we have been invited to the May groups.

[lil_chookie]

That is great you heard something and are into the educative groups, how exciting. We haven't heard anything. maybe we missed out this time and we'll be in later in the year.

[Panthya]

Hi Jacinta,

Hubby and I went to the October 2005 ICA info session. But then in 2006 we had some trouble with ICAS losing one of our references and then not getting the second replacement letter our referee sent, we finally had to get a different referee because we had wasted 5 months with the one referee and problems with ICAS not getting or losing the references from this person.


Lil Chookie, I'm sure you will be in the May group as well. The only reason I heard anything this soon was because I emailed Myo to let her know that we had sent in our paper work and wanted to know what our chances were of getting into the March group.

Having spent the last 2 years in the ICA process I learnt to be a little pushy and just contact people about the process because as I said to Jacinta, hubby and I lost 5 months with ICA waiting around because of a lost reference and with ICAS not letting us know that they hadnt received the first one or the replacement one that our referee sent after we did find out that they didnt have the first copy from her. - I was a little worried about bothering ICAS in case I made the process harder on us, but after the 5 months we lost waiting around and not being told anything I realized that I had to just ask about what I wanted to know.

Anyway as I said If I hadnt of emailed Myo on Tuesday to ask what our chances of getting into the March sessions were I wouldnt have known anything either and would be waiting until the letter gets here early next week, but I'm sure you will be in the May group as well because your paper work was sent the same day as we sent ours in and Myo said in her email that she had just gotten ours that day

[Panthya]

Hi Jacinta,

Actually the first time I called ICA to ask what was happening, I was told to be patient and to call only if necessary.

Which is why I was worried to call when we hadnt heard anything.

But just to clarify an issue which I didnt make clear in my other post the 5 months wasted was a total.

The first 3 months was when we didnt know that they had lost one reference, then I got the courage to call them and was told they didnt have the original reference and I would need to contact our referee and get her to send in a second copy.

So that same day I called our referee and asked her to send off another copy of her reference, which she did the next day, we then waited another month and didnt hear anything - Maybe I was a little naive here as I thought they would have let us know if the second copy had turned up or not but they didnt - so then I called again only to be told that they hadnt gotten the second one. I tried to contact our referee but she had already gone overseas on a holiday with her family and so we had to get other person to replace her as a reference.

That is why the 5 months got wasted, I'm sorry I didnt make it clearer earlier that I had called ICAS twice in that 5 months.

But as I said before those 2 calls I had been told to be patient and to only call if it was really necessary to, which kind of made me scared to call at all.

I'm really glad though that your experience with ICAS has been better than mine

[lil_chookie]

This is good having a general chat thread. I was feeling it was abit selfish having a thread in my name when we are all going through our very own journeys, so this thread is perfect

P- We got a letter for a May groups today!! I am so excited!!

[Panthya]

lil_chookie, woo hoo

I'm so happy that you are in the May education groups.

I'm also glad that we have a general chat thread and that some of the posts got moved here as I felt bad because I felt like I had taken over your journal with talk of other general issues, when we should have been more focused on what you had to share with us

Anyway I cant wait till May gets here now ...lol... but it will probably feel like its taking forever


Jacinta, thanks, and yes we will be in the same education classes.

Of course lil_chookie will have to wear a shirt that says lil_chookie and I'll have to wear one that says panthya, then we will know who each other actually is ..lol..

[Panthya]

Just wondering for those of you who have adopted locally, are currently trying to adopt locally and for those of you who are doing ICA.

Before you got approved were you nervous / scared / worried / or even just felt that you might not get approved?

Is it something that you just have to deal with worrying about until you do get approved and can then give a sigh of relief.

I've tried so many things on this journey to become a mother and I feel every time I get close something happens and I'm left with a shattered dream and have to start again with something else, so I'm very nervouse / worried about approval and feel 90% sure that we wont get approved. I kind of know its a silly worry but I cant stop myself from thinking about it and so I figured there must be others out there who did also worry or who are still worrying about the same thing as me.

So I'm just wondering how everyone else coped or dealt with it as I've been told by so many people, all of who have never adopted and have never had to try so much to become a parent, that there is nothing to worry about and no reason why we wouldnt get approved, but that still soesnt do anything to make me stop worrying.

[Baby~amore`]

I hope you don't mind me - lurking around.

Jacinta - hope your little one isn't too far away. I am ina we of your strength through all of your journey to become a parent.
I am sorry the LA prejudice older parents 'unintentionally' - but takes no account that age doesn't make you a better or poorer parent

Rest easy P - I only knew of one couple who didn't get approved from our group - they were actually friends of friends -thats how we found out.
IT was a complex reason.We heard the couple had ? issues and the social worker also felt the mother may have had difficulties with parenting an adopted child because they thought she only wanted her own Bio child and she had relationship problems with her family.My friend said the lady may have been too 'honest' in her 'feelings' - so be careful what you say.

I was told by our SW that they will tell you if they thought you wouldn't get approved earlier in the process.I worried about this too because at the time we were quite young and for many complex reasons had not gone down assisted conception path.

I thought this might go against us. Many others in our group were slightly older - mid to late 30's. Plus we had at least one couple who had a single child already and were wanting to adopt a second.

We knew another couple in our group who whilst 'waiting' fell pregnant (naturally after many years AC).Sadly the baby was premmie ,had downs syndrome and other major problems - he lost his battle with life. The couple then a year or so later went on to adopt a little girl.

My single friend is overseas working as 'missionary' and not intentionally (it just happened) now she is trying to adopt a child that attached (literally) herself to her in an orphanage. She has volunteered there before. It is a testing time and a long process but easier because she will have lived there for over 2 years.

It broke my heart to hear of all the abandoned babies in this country.

[lil_chookie]

P - in all my thoughts that I have running through my head (I am a big thinker), I have never once thought about not getting aprroved. In the journey to have our child there has been so much sadness and disappointment that I just can't even think of thinking about not getting approved. This is a positive journey for us, it may still have a way to go but we will get there. These are just my thoughts........try not to worry & stay positive P.

[Baby~amore`]

Jacinta ... that is right - what i was trying to say

It is up to you what your share in this life-story, unless it has been documented in medical stuff.

not implying dishonesty but sometimes we need to be careful what we disclose ... just by chance did anyone read Melbourner/Sydney's Child magazine about the foster mother with permanent care ... it was too honest.

[Panthya]

Ok, another question to keep the topic going.

Has anyone found their husband isnt or wasnt as excited about the adoption as you?

So basically I'm just wondering how the men who are currently going through the adoption or those who have been through the adoption, reacted to it, compared to the women?

As an example, one of my friends and her husband are starting to try for a baby now and her husband is really excited about it, even buying baby outfits and bringing them home as a present.

Were as my other friends husband doesnt show any excitment or interest in baby stuff at all and they are pregnant now.

So I'm just wondering how differently guys going through adoption deal with it? Do some get very excited and want to be a part of everything? Are there some guys who just dont seem interested at all?

I think this is a good question to talk about in regards to adoption.

[lil_chookie]

Hi P - mine is as excited as me, he is happy to talk about things at anytime and wants to be an active part of all of the process. My DH has always been excited about us having a child and I feel even more so with the adoption process as it is something we are equally doing together. I know when we were ttc he felt a little helpless at times, watching me fall apart a little because my body wouldn't do what we wanted it to do.

I guess some women experience the same feelings with their partner when it comes to a pregnancy, some partners are more excited than others.

It's a long process (I am assuming you are talking about your DH here) perhaps as things start happening his excitment will build to the same as yours.

[Panthya]

LOL... oh no.. I didnt mean to suggest my DH isnt excited

I'm just throwing in any questions I think of to keep this thread going as its nice to come here and be able to read what others have to say. As it always seems a little lonely in here when there hasnt been any posts for a few days

So I figure asking questions, even if they dont relate to whats happening in my life, will keep people talking and maybe help someone later on who does need to know the answer.

[lil_chookie]

P - I didn't think from your previous posts that it sounded like your DH wasn't as excited as you!!

I like what you said.....let's get chatting more in here!!!

I would be interested to hear more from people about how they felt when they got that call telling them there was a baby for them. Just thinking about people getting that call makes me almost cry. I also cry when I watch the adoption show on Foxtell - but only the ones who haven't had children before. I am so emotionally happy for them, for the ones that have had children before I am just they are welcoming a new child into their homes and thinking it is an amazing thing they are doing.

[Panthya]

Just off topic here, did anyone see on tv last night about Skim Milk causing infertility in women?

I found that very interesting, although I've never drunk skim milk as I much prefer full cream milk.


Anyway back on topic of adoption......

Jacinta my DH doesnt like all the paperwork side of the adoption either, so I'm the one who gets to fill in everything ..lol..

But when it comes to wanting a baby and looking at or getting baby stuff my DH is very happy to do that and we talk about the adoption and baby stuff.

DH would really love it if everything was going faster though I must admit that I also like it when things are moving along.

LC I also watch adoption shows on foxtel, and just like you I also get emotionally happy, especially for those who havent had children before.

Its probably because I can relate more to them because of myself never having been able to have a child.

As for when the call comes for us, I think I will probably get off the phone and cry my eyes out, just from sheer happiness, but since there is a long way to go before we get to that point, I guess I cant really be sure of how I will react, but I'd also really like to know how others felt when they did get the call.