Maz, I have seen this thread quite a few times pop up, but never actually sat down and read it. This morning whilst having my cup of tea I read every word, every page. I cried & I laughed. I cried for your 'knowing' that something wasn't right, I cried when you grieved for the child you didn't have and I cried when you felt the sadness of what was to come. Coming from an abusive upbringing, I know that it can sound patronising when people say 'wow your amazing to have come so far bla bla bla' so please believe me when I say I do not want to patronise you or make you into some sort of matyr for doing something that sadly many families do, but I truly do think you, and women like you are amazing. I had a shocking day with Ava-Jayde yesterday, but in comparisin to what you go through on a daily basis it was nothing. And that's not to say that doesn't give us mothers that don't have children with autism any less of a right to whinge and b**tch and moan when our kids are giving us the irrits, it just means that for me, personally, I can put it into perspective and think that yes there are many worse things that I could be dealing with in regards to my child. As soon as I finished these 4 pages, I grabbed my daughter and held her tight. Thank you so much for sharing your story maz, I truly mean it when i say you have definately changed my perspective on things. I can't wait to read your next instalment.