D day continues

I sat in the front of the ambulance as it drove from the Mercy to the Royal Childrens. I sat there listening to the doctor and the nurse talking about some personal things and I began to fume. My son was laying there motionless next to them and all they could do was think about them selves.......over reaction due to stress at the time but I snapped and asked them to please shut up to which I got a blank stare.

Weaving our way through the Royal Childrens was a headache. I was lost instantly and followed the staff like a lost dog. We were situated on level 4 I think....I honestly cant remember yet I know at the time when ever those elevator doors opened on that level I cringed. There were pink bottles of solution in front of every door and you had to wash your hands every time you entered. Heaven forbid you forgot...3 firm smacks were in place with a stern look.

Room four bed 4...everything 4...yep must of been level 4 cause all the numbers were the same. There were so many monitiors and beeps going on. I looked over to a weary looking woman who managed a weak smile. The look of pain and dispair mirrored exactly how I was feeling. Yet again questions and 3 more reruns of what had happened to Mateauz to this point. By this stage I was ready to collapse as I had not slept in 40 hours. I so needed sleep but fear factor kept me going.

I sat there looking at the other babies thinking
why is he here...
The other babies in the room were all premmies, sun googles on, under UV lighting and my little guy looked what I thought was normal (he wasnt but I didnt see it).

I was asked if I had somewere to stay for the night...of course I did...the floor right next to my son. Sorry but that wasnt an option. They tried frantically for an hour to get me somewere to sleep as I refussed to leave him and was BFing. I slept on a fold our couch in the parents lounge that was located outside the wards but in view of all the room windows 2 min's from him. I dont think I really slept that night..I layed there for ages and watching were he laid feeling like I had let him down. Every time I saw a nurse or doctor go to him I sat up and watched like a hawke. it was only when they went away that I let myself relax enough to lay down again.

The next morning I was given a room in the parents section of the hospital. It was small, smelly and felt dirty but I was close to my baby and that was all that mattered. I was also given a voucher to use at the hospital kitchen that gave me free meals as I was BF mateauz...that helped out as food was expensive there and I did dare venture away from the hospital incase something happened.

The results from the lumbar puncture came through. STAFF infection and meningitis. More annitbiotics (he was on 3 different types), more tubes...new drip..more blood tests. Another lumbar was to be made in 3 days time and the hole time all I kept thinking was to keep pumping my bb's, my milk's going ot help him. They were red, sore, grazed but I just kept doing it. It was almost as if I was taking my pain, my frustration out on the dame expressing machine. I feed mateauz, went and expressed what ever was left...then went back an hour later...expressed again, and then waited until his next feed for the process to start again.

The staff were wonderful. I was aloud to hold Mateauz when ever we needed to be together. They never stopped me from holding him and I am eternially greatful for that. I still felt like my chanch to bond with him had been taken away...like we were always being watched due to the seizures. I use to sit there, storking his head as he layed curled up in my lap for ages with tears streaming down my face.

My heart was aching so much at this time. It wasnt just for Mateauz...my baby girl was at home asking were mama was. I missed my morning snuggles in bed with her and the smell of her hair when she hugged me, her big green eyes and her infectious smile...my darling Wilhelm..I had prepped him up for his first day at school and I couldnt even take him. I couldnt even see how excited he was to go with his big brother...and my darling Nikolaus...his big soft kind eyes would often be the last thing I imagined seeing at night....and I knowing that Nikolaus had cried when we told him that the baby was a boy because he was scared of having another brother with autism tore me inside. How could I explain this to him? he's already had so much taken away now this!!

And Jed....I could barely bring myself to ring him some days for the pain. Jed's sister had CP as well and it was due to her birth. This would bring so many memories back for him...what had he done to deserve this? First his sister and now his son!

........3 days after we arrived....Mateauz had another MRI.............