This is a question to all you ladies not married to your partner or who continue to use your maiden name: who's surname does/will your baby take? Will you use double-barrelled name?
This topic came up over the weekend at lunch for friends - I think people were surprised that I was more than happy for our baby to take on DPs surname. but it's not out of any sense of partiarchy - I simple don't feel attached to my name and although quite a simple short name I've had endless trouble spelling/pronouncing it to people my whole life and quite farnkly wouldn't want to lump a poor kid with it!
What reasons did you have for using the surname you have?
My kids have DH's surname - even though I kept my maiden name when we got married.
Some days I feel bad that I don't have the same surname as my children, but only when I get those "looks" from people who think I'm a single mum with a million children to a million different fathers
I like my surname - I didn't keep it for any particular reason, just the fact that I hated changing back my name after my first marriage ended. So I swore I'd never change my name again.
Bubs will have DPs surname - we are not married (been together 10 years though ) - I haven't decided which surname I would use if we were to get married but I know that I want our children to have DPs surname.
My little one has DP's surname. Sometimes I get a bit upset thinking about the fact we all don't share a name but with any luck, that won't be the case for long!
Just a different perspective, my Mum kept her name always because she wasn't married, but gave me Dad's surname. They split up when I was a baby so I grew up with just Mum and it was kind of irritating always having to explain she was my mother (even had to show my medicare card to someone in high school to convince them, since we had a shared card).
I think its generally really helpful if the mum's name and the kids names are at least connected (like hyphen or double-barrel without hyphen) just to ease the kids life if the mum is the one mostly dealing with school etc. If you both work though and will be pretty equal in dealing with schools and extra-curricular then I d on't think it matters as much.
I took DH's name just because I never really liked my Dad'ssurname (and had no close relationship with him). Had I had my Mum's surname I probably would have kept it.
Also one thing I saw a lot of in america was women dropping their middle name and putting their maiden name there, so Rachel Spellman became Rachel Spellman Sweet. And without the hyphen just Mrs Spellman Sweet. I thought that was kind of nice, not so much for Mums but for the kids maybe. Though so many pretty firstnames out there I need that middle name space - I'm too indecisive!
If DH and I weren't married, the kids would definitely have his surname... they are his, after all!! I remember how outraged he was when my parents were discussing baby names for DD with us and my mum casually threw in that we could 'always give the baby your name' (we weren't married at the time, we actually decided to get married that night hahaha) as a response to 'the name has to fit DH's surname' - I'm sure mum didn't mean any harm, and was just giving us another option to fit with a first and middle name, but DH felt like she was saying, 'Your job is done, we've got what we want, see ya!' kind of thing, kwim??
A friend of mine made a good point a few months ago when the topic of naming babies came up - basically, mum carries them for nine months and gives birth, so there's the proof of her 'ownership', it's only fair that dad gives them his name because that's the proof of *his* ownership, kwim?? I think that's perfectly fair - people know which child belongs to which mother, as they're usually the ones dropping them off at school and hauling them around the shopping centre, so dad needs to have something to 'stake his claim', so to speak...
the kids have got dp's surname, i would have liked them to have a hypenated mix of both, but my surname is Baker, and Dave's is Fry, so we thought 'Baker-Fry' was just a bit too mean...
I totally disagree with the assumption that babies should have their fathers' name. And honestly I don't think pregnancy and birth = ownership either.
At this stage I don't plan on taking my DF's surname when we marry so any children had before we wed will have my surname. It started that way as originally DF preferred a termination with DS and said he was staying with me for me and not for the baby... of course he fell in love with the idea of DS and we are happy now, but at the time I made that decision.
My MiL was a biartch about it saying that DF had no family pride and that she would disown him if we gave DS my surname. Which only added fuel to my fire. I don't believe the man has any more right to the surname than the woman and when MiL turned around and said our children should have th DF name because otherwise their heritage would die out and it was our responsibility to carry it on I felt like slapping her.
Everything she said made me feel like I wasn;t good enough and she never once apologised for it. And of course to this day she still hassles me about it. I am at a point where I will not have any more children just so i don't have to have an 'xyz' because she is being completely disrespectful and DF is totaly intimidated by that.
We are still in negotiations to try and meld our surnames together into something new to stop the arguments altogether but it is taking time... luckily no wedding date set yet so plenty of time.
My DD has Dh's surname, it wasnt even a question, my mum and S dad questioned it for a second but we will be married in a few years anyway so i will change my name when that happens.
My mum and dad divorced when i was v young and mum remairred and took my SDs name, i hated having a different surname and ended up changing it to my SDs name so it fit with my 'family'. But i dont think i would have minded if my mum had kept her old surname.
My girls were both born before DH & got married & both have his surname.
DS was born after we got married & has the same.
I haven't changed my name yet (we've been married near 3 years ), I never intended on keeping my maiden name, I just haven't had the time or money to get to the court house to order the certificate to do it. I think I'll do it for our 9 years together anniversary though. Its about time I did, lol.
This is an interesting thread. I am married and Ichanged my name - only because my family of origin was a train wreck and I had no affinity with that name.
However, I also disagree that children should have their fathers name by default... I actually have a number of friends that whilst legally married have kept their birth names. The children have their mothers surname. If I didn't have such horrible connections with my birth ame I would have done the same!
I dont' think patriarchy has a place in our society - it is an old fashioned "quaint" idea - and whilst I agree that it is nice and tidy for all family members to have the same name - it should be something that is considered and thought about.
I realise the OP is pondering it and not for any patriarchal reasons - but generally in society I believe it's just assumed that a child will have the fathers surname. I suggest maybe it needs a rethink!
One of my closest girlfriends husband changed his name to her name when they married - for like me had no attatchement that was positive to his birth name!
Both my boys have my DP's surname, and one day I'll have the same surname. Somedays I feel weird that I don't have the same surname but they look exactly like me so there is no mistaking where they came from. Hahaha!
I kept my surname when I married DH, But all our kids have DH's surname - It is quite common nowdays. I think it depends on the reason 'why' you have different surnames. I kept mine because I grew up with it and have an attachment with it - it is part of my identity. I had no problems letting my kids have DH's surname however as they were a 'clean slate' so to speak, that name was and is to become part of their identity. They weren't giving up something to take on that name. Besides he is their father and has just as much right to have his name attached to them as I do.
I kept my maiden name when I married and DH and I have agreed that if we have a girl she will have my surname and if we have a boy he will have DH's surname. I am very attached to my surname and this was a compromise and equitable solution for us.
But we are in the position of probably not having more than one child so we wouldn't have two children with a different surname each. We would be delighted to be faced with this dilemma though .
Didn't Anna Bligh name her children a completely different surname to her and her DH? I think that is an interesting concept too.
When we got married I decided to go with the double barrel surname without a hyphen (FYI I highly recommend the hyphen to anyone considering the same thing, two surnames is a nightmare for databases!). Bubs will however have DH's surname as I tend to think my double barrel one is too wordy. But if we have a boy their middle name will be my maiden name.
Also, we look at the whole naming exercise as the first name is something for you to choose together, the surname represents one side of the family and the middle name represents the other side.
Both my sister and brother have different fathers to me and all three of us have different surnames (mums first dh died, my parents divorced, and her third she was with till the day she died). Growing up mum and I always had the same surname as she didn't bother to change it after her and my dad split until she married my step-father a few weeks before she died. Then she changed it to a double barrel of her maiden name and his name. From what I know having different names to my brother and sister was never a problem for her, I'm sure it was questioned from time to time, but she was comfortable with her choices and how she'd lived her life so it wasn't an issue. And I don't think it was an issue for any of us kids either... But I must admit that when she changed it at the end I was a little sad and always think of her with the name I knew growing up rather than the one she took the grave iykwim...
DD has DP's surname. We arnt married either. My last name doesnt mean much to me as its from my mums first marriage (not my dad) and she never changed it back. So really, its neither my mothers or my fathers so i didnt see why DD had to have it too. When DP and I get married i will be changing it to his last name.
Wow this has generated a lot of discussion!
DP and i have discussed getting married eventually, when we feel reday rather than because we have a child. Whether I would change my surname I'm not certain about - much of a pain as mine is I'm so uaed to it! Though I do like the idea of us all having the same surname. I friend of mine who alreday has a double-barrelled surname changed hers, her partners names to a toatlly new surname which they also gave their baby - it was a big hassle but I guess she had a point when she said 'why should one partner lump all the hassle of changing their name?"
I forgot who mentioned the use of maiden name as middle name in the US but it sounds like what they do in Chile: My sister lives there & she was explaining to me how every child has both their mother's and father's surname and when a woman gtes married she drops on eof them and picks up her husbands - quite a neat idea I reckon....though it could just as easliy be the guy who changes his name in my opinion!
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Who's surname...?
) - I haven't decided which surname I would use if we were to get married but I know that I want our children to have DPs surname.
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