18 Month Old Tantrums HELP!! Sorry long!

[Just Me]

Hi - I am going through the same things with my DS. I am no expert and am just learning by trial and error. It isn't easy and I find it embarrassing at times too (part of that is that we have decided not to use smacking as a behaviour management strategy but my family and friends think that would solve all our problems, anyway ...).

I agree with Art, ignoring and distracting are the most effective strategies for dealing with most tantrums. I also agree that there is a lot of power in explaining to a toddler that you just need to do something and you need them to calmly wait. I was surprised that this would sometimes stop my DD1's tantrums about sitting in the pram - Mummy really needs you to sit quietly in the pram because it is too busy for you to walk in the shops today. She would sometimes calm right down and sit happily. There are times though, where it doesn't work.

My DS gets really angry when he doesn't get his own way and bangs his head around and throws himself on the floor - not fun. We just grab his hand and say 'walk it off' and keep him walking until he is calm. It usually only takes a few seconds. Ignoring him wasn't working (though it worked fine with my DD) because he hits us and DD as well as hurting himself if we just let him go for it.

The other thing that has been working for DS is giving him 'cool down'. He has a lounge chair is his room that he really likes. If he gets really worked up, I ask him if he needs some time to cool down. He is usually too worked up to answer so I just say 'you sound like you might need some cool down time' and take him to his green chair. He has books and other things there. Sometimes putting him in his chair and closing the door slightly also calms him down very quickly.

Both my kids tend to throw food, plates and their cups during tantrums if they happened at dinner time. DD is past it now but when she was about 18 months. We always put them in a high chair for meals when they were going through this stage. If they threw things off their high chair because they were unhappy about something, we would pick it up without saying anything to them, put it on the table (out of their reach) and continue eating our meal. They had to ask for it back nicely (in an age appropriate way) when they were ready for it. If we gave it back to them too early it just got thrown again. There is something about having to be calm enough to communicate that they would like it back that means they didn't throw it again (at least until the next tantrum). We prompt their asking a bit by asking them if they would like it back now and they have to answer in a calm way (DS is a bit too little to ask just yet, though he does communicate by pointing).

We do a lot of meal practice at home without visitors so that when we are around people they should be used to what we expect of their behaviour (that's the theory anyway, but it has taken a long time for DD to learn and we had a few embarrassing moments along the way). Our expectations at meal times is that our kids will eat at the table with us. When they are finished, they have to ask to leave the table and we usually make them wait until everyone else is finished eating. DD is doing this now, but we are in the process of teaching DS. I think it is important to know what behaviours you expect from your kids and plan how you want to work toward them. That way the things that happen around these times can be very purposeful and you know when there is behaviour going on that is not acceptable. Kids also get used to routine and tantrums become less and less if they know what is happening.

We eat dinner each night at the table all together. DS is still in a high chair. When he finishes eating he usually let's us know by standing up in his high chair. We sit him back down and point out that Mummy, Daddy and DD1 are still eating. At the moment, we only make him wait a couple of mins and let him out before we are all finished, but praise him for waiting nicely. If he screams while he is waiting, we remind him that he needs to be calm. If he stands up and jumps around we strap him into the high chair. He is reasonably safe there under supervision so we ignore him and go on eating. As he gets older, we will increase the time we ask him to wait. At the moment, we are just trying to give him opportunity to have success so that we can give some praise for his positive behaviour.

I think that they grow out of it eventually and your DD is very normal. It is embarrassing and I think everyone feels a bit out of their depth in that situation. I think where possible try to set her some small and accomplishable goals where she is most likely to have success (like sitting at the dinner table for one minute after she is done eating) and that way you get to give her some praise for her behaviour. She will learn that she does get praise if she does the right thing (though it can take a while for them to figure out). You can work out small achievable goals for lots of different times when her tantrums happen.

It is also important to take care of yourself. Sometimes when my kids have had tantrums and I feel like I am going to blow my stack, I tell them that 'Mummy needs some cool down time' and I take them and very calmly put them in their cot (cots are safe places too) and say that I will be back to check on them in a few mins. If they are screaming, I still just say all that in a very calm voice. I close the door slightly (not all the way) and go and make myself a cup of tea or call DH and have a vent. It is better than staying and getting angry. It gives me a chance to get my head back in a place where I can make good parenting choices that I am happy with. I also think that if my kids throw tantrums, sometimes the consequences of their actions mean that I need cool down time too. It can be really hard on you to deal with it all the time and it is okay to give yourself a chance to cool down before dealing with it further.

Also preparing kids for what is going to happen can be a great management strategy. My DD1 likes to walk when we go to the shops but sometimes it is just not possible. I prepare her before we get out the car and she even sees a pram or a trolley. "Mummy has lots to do and it is too busy for you to walk. Today you need to sit in the pram." There have been a few instances where I have sat in the car with her in her carseat for a few mins until she is prepared to sit in the pram. Eventually she gets her head around the idea and gets out of the car and happily goes into her pram.

There is no magic fix for this age ... just time and patience really. Also know that there are other mums out there who know exactly what you are going through and you are not alone. It is hard work. Good luck. I hope you find some strategies that work for you.