19 month old out of control

[Ellee05]

I don't know if this is the right place to put it. But once again I come to trusty BB for advice, support and to let off steam.

My 19 month old is very active. People constantly comment on it. She has always had sleeping issues. We finally have the through the night wake ups mostly sorted. But now I can't get her to sleep before 830 and she is awake at 6am or earlier. Rarely a day sleep.

But my problem is the tantrums, I rang my mum in tears today while standing on side of main street trying to put DD in her car seat. She screamed, cried went stiff as a board, resisted for 10 mins. People were staring (not that I am normally worried), but this time they thought I was hurting her. I had to step away from car so people could see I wasnt doing anything wrong. I can't force her into seat as she is so strong I think I would brake her. I can't get her to sit in the trolley in supermarket, she won't hold my hand, I can't reason with her. She understands "no" but continually does things looking at me knowing she is naughty. I've tried being calm, I've yelled (at my wits end). I just don't know what to do. Feel like I don't know who she is and today I just keep crying. I'm ashamed to say and I know I don't really mean it. But I just want to get away from her. I'm not cut out to be her mother. She eats good fresh food, only water or milk. No juice. Definitely no lollies.

So obviously I'm totally lost in the motherhood journey. So any advice would be welcomed. Thanks in advance

[LizLemon]

You poor thing it sounds like you have your hands full. From what you are saying it seems as though you are doing everything right, so I don't really have any suggestions for you I'm sorry. But I will say that my DS went through an absolute demon phase at around the same age (he is now 21 months) and I was absolutely tearing my hair out. It seemed to be the age when he was wanting to do things and was really developing and while he had some words, he still wasn't really able to convey what he wanted. In a couple of months his language has grown amazingly and he seems far less frustrated and it's much easier to reason with.

And yes, he occasionally does the refusing to get into the trolley or the carseat, I usually have a few "bribes" up my sleeve such as a toy hidden in the car that I can produce to distract him long enough to strap him in, or I start talking about how we are going to get his favourite fruit when I'm approaching the trolley.

Hang in there and i hope this phase passes for you soon..

[Kazzo]

You poor thing it sounds like you have your hands full. From what you are saying it seems as though you are doing everything right..

And yes, he occasionally does the refusing to get into the trolley or the carseat, I usually have a few "bribes" up my sleeve such as a toy hidden in the car that I can produce to distract him long enough to strap him in, or I start talking about how we are going to get his favourite fruit when I'm approaching the trolley.

Along the lines of what I was going to say. DD1 is 99% good but a few times I have had some tantrums that just don't end. I have found she seems to like knowing what we are doing and what we will be doing next. I tell her we are going home and that we will be playing outside, cleaning up (she is a regular 'Sadie') ect. And if I just start singing she normally stops straight away. I know what works for us wont work for everyone, but it is just a couple of suggestions.

I think our LO all go through periods of change and really push our limits, but it wont last forever. My SIL attended a 123magic course and had great success from it, that might be something you could look into.

Goodluck hun, I hope some more ladies can come with some great advice for you.

[Butterfly Dawn]

Gosh they know when to play up dont they!
We use a reward/ punishment system and the 1,2,3 If you do this when we get home you can.... Im gonna count to 3 and if you dont do.... then you lose.... for today.
We also stop what we are doing- if you dont hold my hand we go home. And we do it. If you dont sit in the trolley we go home.
We have the naughty chair. Stop that or you sit on the naughty chair. I've been told to sit on the naughty chair for yelling too.
It all takes time for them to see that this behaviour = this from mummy/ daddy. And they resist wickedly at first but they soon get use to it and its almost comforting for them in a strange way.

I dont know if any of this will help. Your DD is at one of those ages where she wants to assert she is a person in her own right.
Hugs and sending patience vibes your way

[Ellee05]

Thanks ladies. I think it is a reaction to all the changes in her life over the last couple of months. Moving across the country, starting day care 3 days a week, different house, climate etc etc combined with fact that she doesn't have the tools to deal with frustration or speech to convey. Perhaps that is why the 1,2,3 and normal distraction tools are not being effective at the moment. I have been looking into parenting classes to help deal with her personality :S

Thank you for your kind words. She is generally a lovely girl, very sensitive, caring. Loves to share, hug, shake hands, play with anyone. Just all too many changes at once - I know how she feels

[Calluna]

It's soo hard hey.

I just cycle through all our distraction techniques (songs, toys, random objects within arms reach ) until something works, other times I just have to tell him where we are going/ what we are doing next.

Sometimes though it's just a wait it out, protect him from harming himself but latting him go nuts for a min and trying again. Sometimes they just need to get that frustration out.

Something else I do is give him a choice - ie you can hold my hand or I can carry you. Sit in the trolley or walk nicely. You can wear your red shirt or your blue shirt. It gives them the feeling of having some control while you get the outcome you need/ want.

Not sure if any of that helps (and sorry if I've repeated anyone, haven't read the other responses)

[Saffi]

Hey Ellee

Sorry to hear your motherhood skills are being tested and that you are doubting yourself. She sounds like a typical 19mo to me. Trying to exert her independence but not equipped to express herself verbally and resorting to the crying and tantrums to tell you how she feels. Honestly, the tantrums don't stop for years yet, but your ability to reason with her will.

Have you spoken to her carers at DC? Does she exhibit these behaviours there and what do they do to manage the situation? Maybe using the same techniques to provide consistency in approach?????

The only discipline I have tried with M is moving her away from me when she does something that she shouldn't. This upsets her greatly. Not sure how practical it is to do in the middle of the shopping centre.

[Nai]

She has been through a lot of changes and doesn't have the development to deal with a lot of her frustrations but it does sound like typical behaviour - I found that the 18m - 2y age is the most trying. Both my DD's were similar but as soon as they started to develop language so that they were able to communicate their needs things started to improve.