AARGH I need some encouragement - long sorry

[Jac]

Jus - just wanted to let you know that when my baby (now 14mths) was 6mths old he sounded exactly like your little girl. Terrible day sleeper, bit better at night but still often difficult to get back to sleep after a night feed, often awake bewteen 3-5am trying to settle. It was dreadful and I can totally understand how you feel. Some babies can be put to bed with little fuss and stay there for hours in the day and that just amazes me. I too thought my DS had some digestive issues although we didn't end up totally identifying what it was (other than reflux which was resolved around 6-7mths age). Anyway, it was a loooooong first year for us. Things picked up markedly around 9-10mhs of age. By 12mths I started to finally enjoy my baby and now things are just fantastic. He now sleeps 13hrs uninterrupted overnight and one nap for about 90mins during the day - bliss! It took a long time to get there and TBH I think for us it was just an age related issue (he got 8 teeth between 5-9mths of age). YOU WILL GET THERE. I believe I felt like you (not coping) while going through this but I did not have PND. If your DD's sleep issues were resolved do you think you would have PND? If not, then I personally doubt you have it as sleep issues and settling a baby for hours on end is torturous IMO. Anyone doing this would feel they were not coping. Please keep letting us know your thoughts and how you are going.

[Lana]

Hi Jus

I can really relate to your story. My baby is almost 12 mths. He has been a terrible sleeper and we went and did a residential stay for 7 nights at a Mother Baby unit which was great to give me a break. The sleep deprivation is shocking. My MHCN also suggested I might be suffering from PND and that I attend at PND support group. I didn't think I had PND but it was just a combination of adjusting to parenthood, exhaustion and the constant daily sleeping battles getting me down. The interesting thing once I started going to the group was it confirmed that I wasn't suffering from PND or if I was it was very mild compared to the issues and experiences that the other women were talking about. It was still useful though to talk about parenting issues and strategies to deal with anxiety.

The other thing the group made me realise in relation to the sleeping battle was it was more to do with him than me. I could do the same thing for 3 days in a row and get three different results. Being able to distance myself a bit helped. It's not about me, it's about him. I would give him an opportunity to sleep, if he choose not to take that opportunity my cut off was 30 mins. He would still be tired so I would take him out in the pram and if he was really tired he would sleep if not he wouldn't. Then we would start again in the afternoon. If I kept going longer than 30 mins I would get angry and upset so would he. Having a cut off of 30 mins took the pressure off. It also allowed me to start enjoying time with him more instead of carrying on feeling irriatated by the sleeping issues.

Sounds like you are starting to put some good things in place to help you through this very difficult time. It can't last forever eventually they will grow up and move out of home Good luck!

[~Kim~]

Oh Jus, you poor love. What you typed at 4 something this morning could have come from me at that stage.
I did the same as you though. Made it a priority every day to go for a walk. Improved my general mood no end.

Lana also gives fantastic advice and in hindsight is what happend to us, we just didn't see it.
I had an epiphany at around 7 months. My world was caving in just because of basic sleep deprivation. When I decided to step back and do what Darcy needed, not what everybody said she needed - it got easier. I laid with her, I co-slept, i wore her in a sling. I have spent many hours holding a hand next to a cot. At first it was a pain, but then I started to think about that time differently. Now I meditate or read if I'm stuck next to her bed. Like animals they take their emotional reading off you and if you're stressed - they're stressed. Finding my zen helped my bubba find hers.
Unfortunately my PND and OCD got worse, but at least I was getting some sleep.
I didn't want to take drugs either (different reasons to you though - i'm a cop and they would have taken my gun away - preserving my work persona was my last peice of normality in my world at that stage). I worked really hard with a community health counsellor and with the walking was able to get my life back under control.

I believe you can do it too. Ask to speak with a counsellor if you feel you need to - even if it's to verify that you don't have PND.
Belive in you. You are a great mum doing all the right things.

[Lolli]

Oh Jus you poor thing I know how hard it's been for you and you have all my sympathy and support. Just for the record- and i like to think that having seen you in person and having a social work degree I'm a reasonably good judge of this- I really don't think you have PND and you are, as you said, just sleep deprived, stressed and exhausted.
I know what you mean about people saying 'oh she's such a good baby' and feeling bad because you are not feeling like you're coping- I get the same thing with Ty and I think to myself 'lots of people have it worse than me- am I just feeling sorry for myself?' and as I've said to you, it's all relative- Ella was an exceptionally easy baby for weeks there and now you are going through this it's so hard because it's new- if it had been like this the whole time you'd either be in an asylum or really blas'e about it by now ykwim? You are doing a fantastic job and doing what you can and being an amazing, selfless, kind, caring and compassionate mum- better than to be expected at the moment!!
Trust your gut instinct with Ella's health. It might be one of those things that resolves itself before you even find out what it is but give yourself a pat on the back for having the instinct and trying to find out what it is.
Going for a walk's a really good idea- always cheers me up. Speaking of, if you want some walking company come knock on my door- I'm always up for it and I might even get a sleep out of Ty!!
Also, if you ever need some help or just someone to have a coffee (or some kind of dairy and caffeine free beverage and a chat and a cry with, I'm here for that too. Tony can take Ty in the arvos, he's home early, and I'd be more than happy to sit with Ella for a while while you get stuff done or do it for you- I'm a suprisingly good and quick house keeper
I'm here if you need me. I know you've got heaps of support but I'm just throwing my hat in the ring too- too much support is not a bad thing.
In the meantime, huge hugs for you. Please know that you are a fantastic mum, Ella is a beautiful bubs with her own distinct personality and you are doing the very best job you can.

[Lulu]

Yaaay! I love this place, so much fab advice!

I'm sleep deprived too, so can't add much but it sounds like you are a fabbo mummy, it's easy to doubt yourself when you have nooooo sleep. xoxoxoxoxo!

[Jus]

Aww guys, you've brought tears to my eyes (no, they're not PND tears, and even if they were that would be OK, just normal mummy-hormonal tears), at your kindness & encouragement.

Thank you so much all for sharing your stories (see the buzzing of fatigue/tinnitus in my head is preventing me from remembering any names, but I totally appreciate you). I do think there is something up with Ella, I had her in bed with me this early morning, and she was grunting, then giggling (totally wired) & couldn't get to sleep til I patted her off (then it was amazingly quick, so she was tired & wanted to sleep). At least we're getting this looked into.

I appreciate the feedback about joining the PND support group - I was given a great book on PND by the nurse, but although some things I could relate to (watching the housework pile up all around me - who wouldn't get stressed about that when they don't get a chance to do any of it!), as I kept reading I thought 'this just isn't me' - I do enjoy Ella, except the really exhausting days, and doing what you suggested about the 30 min rule (except I haven't even got that much patience at the moment - it's around 10 min unless I can see she's close to sleep) has really taken a load off.
I also asked myself last night, 'why am I so stressed if she doesn't sleep' - and tried to put it in the perspective that she will eventually.

'puter's dying (no battery) will finish later ...

[KatieRabbit]

I say go with your instincts, Jus. If you don't think you have PND then you prob don't (and not just cause you may be in denial as some might say). If you think something is up with Ella, when you are ready get her checked until you are happy with what someone says. And you are doing a terrific job caring for Ella so much.

[Lolli]

Hi again Jus,
I should've added this yesterday but I only thought of it after- one thing I do with Ty is to lay on the bed with him, wrapped up, and i lay there next to him reading a book for half hour or so. If he goes to sleep (which happens about 50% of the time) then great, so do I, but if not then I just think of it as chill out time for both him and me. Takes the pressure off me to get him to go to sleep and i think maybe bubs are just like us- half hours rest is sometimes as good as a sort nap for rejuvination and improving the mood. And you relaxcing yourself and conserving energy too (and I will take any excuse to clock up half hour reading time!!)