AARGH I need some encouragement - long sorry

[Jus]

Aww guys, you've brought tears to my eyes (no, they're not PND tears, and even if they were that would be OK, just normal mummy-hormonal tears), at your kindness & encouragement.

Thank you so much all for sharing your stories (see the buzzing of fatigue/tinnitus in my head is preventing me from remembering any names, but I totally appreciate you). I do think there is something up with Ella, I had her in bed with me this early morning, and she was grunting, then giggling (totally wired) & couldn't get to sleep til I patted her off (then it was amazingly quick, so she was tired & wanted to sleep). At least we're getting this looked into.

I appreciate the feedback about joining the PND support group - I was given a great book on PND by the nurse, but although some things I could relate to (watching the housework pile up all around me - who wouldn't get stressed about that when they don't get a chance to do any of it!), as I kept reading I thought 'this just isn't me' - I do enjoy Ella, except the really exhausting days, and doing what you suggested about the 30 min rule (except I haven't even got that much patience at the moment - it's around 10 min unless I can see she's close to sleep) has really taken a load off.
I also asked myself last night, 'why am I so stressed if she doesn't sleep' - and tried to put it in the perspective that she will eventually.

'puter's dying (no battery) will finish later ...

[KatieRabbit]

I say go with your instincts, Jus. If you don't think you have PND then you prob don't (and not just cause you may be in denial as some might say). If you think something is up with Ella, when you are ready get her checked until you are happy with what someone says. And you are doing a terrific job caring for Ella so much.

[Lolli]

Hi again Jus,
I should've added this yesterday but I only thought of it after- one thing I do with Ty is to lay on the bed with him, wrapped up, and i lay there next to him reading a book for half hour or so. If he goes to sleep (which happens about 50% of the time) then great, so do I, but if not then I just think of it as chill out time for both him and me. Takes the pressure off me to get him to go to sleep and i think maybe bubs are just like us- half hours rest is sometimes as good as a sort nap for rejuvination and improving the mood. And you relaxcing yourself and conserving energy too (and I will take any excuse to clock up half hour reading time!!)

[Jus]

thanks again for the extra tips. Have just come (given up) from doing battle (well it feels like it, altho I was staying 'relaxed' for her) for nearly an hour to get her to sleep (I couldn't see a clock 'cos it was dark or I would have given up sooner). She amazes me the way she fights sleep. She was so nearly (or actually) asleep so many times, but just absolutely resists it! DH has succeeded in getting her to sleep twice today, my attempts have failed. Given that your self-esteem is generally based on your effectiveness in doing things, it's no wonder I feel a bit down - grrr... Need to focus on what you said about it being her not me.
Anyway, will try & stay positive. Have gone for my walk today so that is a good thing.
Thanks for the encouragement Dierdre. We are in the process of investigating with the paed. & will go to Karitane for them to observe her. I'm not expecting any real solutions with sleep/settling tbh. just want a break & some support & insight with what might be going on. After speaking to a friend about her babies with allergies a lot of what ella is doing is very similar. But it will be good to have experts seeing her behaviour and I've heard you actually get a whole night's sleep - they take the baby for the first night. I hope that's not a false rumour! As per one of the earlier comments, if I could just get some sleep or some guaranteed time each day I would be functioning so much better.
I do chill on the bed with her Lori & it's a lovely time. I guess my aim has been generally to get her to sleep, so will try & revise. Unfortunately, she's taken to squealing lately while ever we do that (as she will in her cot if you can't actually get her to sleep). Maybe I should get some good ear plugs so at least I can sleep/relax.
I know what you mean about doing what she needs & what I need. I realised recently that I had to stop fighting the night-waking etc. I wanted to get rid of the dummy (that's often what she wants), but just had a feeling she really needs it - she may be in pain. So now I'm trying to shift focus onto surviving the situation rather than changing it. Tried to get a co-sleeper cot (DH doesn't really want to be kicked out - altho, him tossing & turning doesn't help my sleep!), but too exxy, so am getting a cot for our room now so I can get some more sleep. Actually I like having her in bed with me (easier), but have to keep on convincing dh. We're also giving her the dummy to play with all the time so she can learn to put it in herself eventually. Unfortunately she needs to be wrapped or she disturbs herself (or should I say disturbs herself more ???)

I also spoke to a friend who did have PND & who knows me well. she didn't think that's what it is either, just huge anxiety in a stressful situation. Probably could use some counselling and would appreciate it, but tbh i just don't feel I have the time.
Am feeling very determined to keep up with the strategies & stick to them & pull myself thru all this.
Thank you for the encouragement Jac. I'm already envisaging her 1st birthday party - not to wish the time away but to remind me it's not that far off, look how quick we got to 6 mo. So if there's improvement at 8/9 mo hey, even better & surely by then she can find her own dummy sometimes!

I also remembered something I learned on a course on resilience (I'm a teacher, with a psych degree as well so v. interesting). There's a whole movement called 'positive psychology' which is focused on psychological wellbeing rather than psych dysfunction, and they have developed a strategy which is more effective than prozac in improving mood in those with severe depression. Thought I'd share it in case it benefits someone else. It's called the 3 blessings. At the end of each day you think back to 3 things that were good/you enjoyed etc. in the day, and bring them to mind. You also have to bring to mind what it was that you did that influenced/caused that good thing. One of mine for yesterdays was that when MIL had Ella, she held out her hands because she wanted me to take her (first time ever! Yeh, that made me all gooey inside), and I figured my role in that is because I am a good mum who is loving & kind (most of the time) & meets her needs so she feels safe and is 'loving me back' in her little baby way.

Thank you all again. I suspect I will be coming back to re-read these posts & remind myself not to get so worked up & than we can get thru it!

[Jus]

Just thought I'd update in case anyone's interested...
We're off to Karitane tomorrow & I'm so glad as Ella has become more difficult lately in some ways - well, not her really, but the issues.
I'm feeling much better in myself on the whole - which I'm so glad for!
, but sometimes it gets me down that she's not sleeping real well (altho last night we got 8 hours woohoo); she won't eat solids, & is still a struggle to feed generally.
Went to the paed for results on what's happening with her tummy yesterday. All very inconclusive (which is fine, but it would be nice to have an answer); unfortunately he was rather patronising to me. (what is it with male doctors???) I'd change paed, but he's supposed to be one of the better ones in the district... His advice was to try x formula & if that removes the problem to wean her onto it. I'm frustrated because I know that this is not the first step, it's the final option.
So I'm so glad that we're going to Karitane because there are some experts to look at her beahviour & give me some support...
Will keep updating you & have been enjoying re-reading all your advice. I can't tell you how helpful you have been.
Hope to have more good news soon...