thanks again for the extra tips. Have just come (given up) from doing battle (well it feels like it, altho I was staying 'relaxed' for her) for nearly an hour to get her to sleep (I couldn't see a clock 'cos it was dark or I would have given up sooner). She amazes me the way she fights sleep. She was so nearly (or actually) asleep so many times, but just absolutely resists it! DH has succeeded in getting her to sleep twice today, my attempts have failed. Given that your self-esteem is generally based on your effectiveness in doing things, it's no wonder I feel a bit down - grrr... Need to focus on what you said about it being her not me.
Anyway, will try & stay positive. Have gone for my walk today so that is a good thing.
Thanks for the encouragement Dierdre. We are in the process of investigating with the paed. & will go to Karitane for them to observe her. I'm not expecting any real solutions with sleep/settling tbh. just want a break & some support & insight with what might be going on. After speaking to a friend about her babies with allergies a lot of what ella is doing is very similar. But it will be good to have experts seeing her behaviour and I've heard you actually get a whole night's sleep - they take the baby for the first night. I hope that's not a false rumour! As per one of the earlier comments, if I could just get some sleep or some guaranteed time each day I would be functioning so much better.
I do chill on the bed with her Lori & it's a lovely time. I guess my aim has been generally to get her to sleep, so will try & revise. Unfortunately, she's taken to squealing lately while ever we do that (as she will in her cot if you can't actually get her to sleep). Maybe I should get some good ear plugs so at least I can sleep/relax.
I know what you mean about doing what she needs & what I need. I realised recently that I had to stop fighting the night-waking etc. I wanted to get rid of the dummy (that's often what she wants), but just had a feeling she really needs it - she may be in pain. So now I'm trying to shift focus onto surviving the situation rather than changing it. Tried to get a co-sleeper cot (DH doesn't really want to be kicked out - altho, him tossing & turning doesn't help my sleep!), but too exxy, so am getting a cot for our room now so I can get some more sleep. Actually I like having her in bed with me (easier), but have to keep on convincing dh. We're also giving her the dummy to play with all the time so she can learn to put it in herself eventually. Unfortunately she needs to be wrapped or she disturbs herself (or should I say disturbs herself more ???)

I also spoke to a friend who did have PND & who knows me well. she didn't think that's what it is either, just huge anxiety in a stressful situation. Probably could use some counselling and would appreciate it, but tbh i just don't feel I have the time.
Am feeling very determined to keep up with the strategies & stick to them & pull myself thru all this.
Thank you for the encouragement Jac. I'm already envisaging her 1st birthday party - not to wish the time away but to remind me it's not that far off, look how quick we got to 6 mo. So if there's improvement at 8/9 mo hey, even better & surely by then she can find her own dummy sometimes!

I also remembered something I learned on a course on resilience (I'm a teacher, with a psych degree as well so v. interesting). There's a whole movement called 'positive psychology' which is focused on psychological wellbeing rather than psych dysfunction, and they have developed a strategy which is more effective than prozac in improving mood in those with severe depression. Thought I'd share it in case it benefits someone else. It's called the 3 blessings. At the end of each day you think back to 3 things that were good/you enjoyed etc. in the day, and bring them to mind. You also have to bring to mind what it was that you did that influenced/caused that good thing. One of mine for yesterdays was that when MIL had Ella, she held out her hands because she wanted me to take her (first time ever! Yeh, that made me all gooey inside), and I figured my role in that is because I am a good mum who is loving & kind (most of the time) & meets her needs so she feels safe and is 'loving me back' in her little baby way.

Thank you all again. I suspect I will be coming back to re-read these posts & remind myself not to get so worked up & than we can get thru it!