Advice that makes you feel guilty or inadequate....

[beckles]

We chose a very small independant secondary school for our eldest, it basically doesn't micro manage kids, they are taught to be responsibe for their own actions, respect and communication. the one rule is you can't interfere with the learning of others. we often got comments about it such as oh well when it doesn't work out you can always move him. so frustrating

[Rahjah]

I feel sad reading this thread too - it's really important to surround ourselves with positive, caring, encouraging women I've realised to help us deal with the crap other negative, "all knowing" women dish out. I hope to God I have never judged mums as I have been judged.

My MIL is really the worst offender,and most of my stories are about her. I never EVER had anyone tell me to give up BF and it still shocks me when I hear that ppl do that...especially to a new mum who it is working for.

But all the criticism seems to come from the critiquer's own issues by the sound of it. My MIL has always told me to let DS cry, that I cuddle him too much, "wear" (in the ergo) him too much, tend to him too much, feed him too much, - everything points to me not being a "good enough" mum in her opinion. Her latest pearl was that I am stopping my DS from crawling. WT? She has also offered great wisdom in telling me to have a glass of wine before BF, to put him to sleep...and to upend the foot of his mattress (when he was in a cot) so his mucous runs to his throat and he coughs it up. Whatever...I didn't want him to choke so we elevated his head instead...

All this stuff. IMO - we are the mums. We know our babies. Seek wise advice from people you trust and to anyone else, ACT confident (even if you're not) and don't even enter into a space where they feel that you need "helping". That's what I've found. For goodness sake, I'm the best mum for my son. Support me, don't crush me.

xx

[Kazbah]

Pity I didn't see this last year!

I think one of the stick-out-moments for me was when I was expressing my concerns about possible PND and the MCHN said "don't forget, his best toy is your smile" ARGHHHHHH I couldn't smile!

Another one was when I was trying to b/f in hossie and the midwife stuck the pump on me ... all that came out was blood and they said that's quite normal

[olliesmum0206]

why can't people be supportive not destructive? I have felt very inadequate at times due to unwanted advice and at times i've felt like i have been hitting my head against a Mothers need to be supported not judged or criticised. We have the most difficult job in the world, but it is also the best. Remember mums we are doing great jobs raising our babies and no one can take that away from us. we know our babies best not anyone else.even a first time mum instinctly know what her baby wants, it may take us awhile sometimes but we always figure it out. Encouragement and support from the people we love goes along long long way.

[Curly]

We had some people over at our place for a Christmas get together. DS was about 6 or 7 weeks old. One couple had 2 boys, the other couple had 3 kids.

Tried to put DS down for his nap (we were rocking off to sleep) but he wouldn't sleep. This pattern had been starting to emerge and I hadn't yet figured out that my diet was affecting my breastmilk. So I brought him back downstairs saying that he wouldn't settle, he knew something different was going on, and I was told by these experienced parents that I should just leave him up there to cry...he had to learn. DH then said triumphantly "I've been TELLING her to do that but she won't listen to him cry! See, I told you!" One of them said "yes it's hard, but you have to do it."

So I said okay and went upstairs, put DS in his cot and left. Of course he started crying. I came back downstairs and was told I was doing the right thing. I could still hear him crying and I went to go back upstairs to check on him. I was told "no, he has to learn" but I went up anyway and stood outside his door, I didn't know what to do. DH followed me up and made me come back downstairs.

Another couple of minutes went by and I just burst into hysterical tears and started saying frantically "I can't do it! I can't do it!" I felt so weak and felt like they were all judging me. Tears flooding down my face I rushed off and got DS and promised him I would never do that again. One of the girls was really nice then and comforted me and said that this is what she had done but that with mothering I had to do what was in my heart and if I didn't want to that was okay. She said that they were worried that they had said too much.

It ruined the entire day and I still get tears in my eyes thinking about how inadequate I felt and that I was ganged up on by everyone, including DH, for the way I was doing things. I could tell that they thought I was weak for "giving in" to DS.

Of course I listened to them, they had 5 kids between them and I had only been a mum for about 6 weeks. I was exhausted and desperate for some rest and me-time, and having 5 people tell me what I was doing was wrong...what chance did I have of knowing to stand my ground at that point?

[myson]

I have to add my bit here.

My MIL was a typical italian mumma. a little interfereing and blunt but it came from her heart, not her ego. EVERYTIME she would first see dd1 she would feel her hands and say "she too cold, needa more blanket" and i would put on an extra layer. dutiful DIL that i am... i knew a bubs hands were no indication of overall temp, but i did it anyway.

one day i saw her coming up the driveway, grabbed an extra blanket, covered dd and tucked her little hands in. MIL came in says hi goes to dd pulls out her hands and feels them, "no no, she too hot, justa take off this a one blanket so you no make her sick"...

So, i did. there were times i felt like maybe i wasnt living up to her standrds of what a mum should be...but now with hindsight and some more maturity i know differently ....but i dont see this as a sad story. I dearly loved my MIL and now she has passed away. her comments were always motivated by love and concern. her theories were old fashioned and some were blatantly wrong. but i didnt want her to feel excluded or looked down on for her opinions. i look back on it now and have a little giggle, cos thats just the way she was.

ON THE OTHER HAND..... i have others give me advice, like "oh well, shes probably better off on the bottle anyway, you should give up on the bf altogether" and to some of those i have said "whatever" or "mind your business"

i think for me at least, it depends on where the advice is coming from and what is the motivation for that advice, and how you feel about the person giving it.

what was the question again?????

[Cassius2]

Man there are so many replies to this thread! so telling...

well, my first came from one of the lactation consultants at my hospy when DD was 2 days old. she walked in as i was rocking my gorgeous bub to sleep. she was a bit grizzly but i wasnt concerned as hey, it was a big wide world that she was in and i would be a bit upset too if i left the comfort of the home she had been calling for the last 8.5 months.
so anyway, she comes in and asks me what i was doing. i said, i just fed her and am putting her down (it didnt even occur to me that i should question this instinct and connection that i had with my baby...wish i had of been more prepared for know-it-alls). she told me that it was blatantly obvious that i was (and i quote) 'dehydrating my baby. look she's dehydrated!'. she made me stick my finger in her mouth (my almost asleep happy content little baby) and said: 'see, it feels dry doesnt it? how does it feel?'. i felt like i was in school again being harangued by an angry teacher. in that moment my world kinda collapsed and i lost my connection with DD. i felt that i couldnt trust what i felt to be right. she told me that i had to demand feed her (i had no idea what she meant by this term as i assumed i would feed my baby when she was hungry). she made me get on the bed and attach right then and there (bubs had just fed!). (also, like to point out that my DD was put on a feeding schedule for the first 3 days as her weight was low and they wanted to make sure that she wasnt going to lose weight, so up to this point she (and I) were AOK). DD was really upset by this intrusion on our lives and began to cry non-stop. so i fed. instinctively i knew that she wasnt hungry, just really confused, but i kept feeding. this continued (ie non-stop feeding) from 11pm to 3.30am. i kept buzzing and she kept coming and told me to relax and it was normal for this to happen (my baby was beserk by this stage!). luckily she forgot to switch the call light off at the 3.30am visit and someone else walked in. she took one look at my baby and said that she was in severe pain and the feeding NEEDED to stop (this is 10 mins after the other lady). DD spent 8 hours in SCN (she had been in there for the first 24 hours of her life and i felt ashamed that this time it was because of me). i felt so ashamed that i didnt tell the m/w that i was following instructions from her co-worker. she busted my butt going on about how DD was on a scheduled feed program etc etc. i just burst into tears crying. DD didnt need another feed for a full 8 hours!

sorry that one raged outta control!

my only other one was that the MACH nurse told me that my DD was 'failing to thrive'. went to paed. and he laughed and told me that DD was P.E.R.F.E.C.T. (dont i know it LOL!). and i never went back to crazy woman.

[LoveKnowsNoBounds]

Thanks HellRazed! I just can't believe the cheek of some people. I will try to tell them to shove it next time!