Advice that makes you feel guilty or inadequate....

[HellRazeD]

Oh, and just a positive one to make us all feel better. Well, it starts out negative, but gets really good.
Both mine were summer babies, so I had no problems whatsoever with hanging my tit out in public for baby to feed. One time though, I was in the shopping centre, DP had DS in the supermarket, and I was eating a hotdog whileI was BFing my 2wo DD in the shops one day while I ate my lunch, and this giant fat man in just boardies comes up, hair all over him, bum crack out, and tells me that its a disgusting site. His teenage daughter, just as overweight, is wearing bumster hotpants (translation: tiny shorts that your flaps hang out of at the bottom, and your bum isn't covered by at the top. Exudes a really BAD muffin top!) and a boob tube. Yet he tells ME I look inappropriate, and he is offended. I must admit I was quite taken aback by this. The centre in question had no baby change facilities open, as it was undergoing MAJOR renovation, and it was 42* out, so what, I'm meant to feed her in the car??!? Let her starve??!?

Well, que charming little old lady. SHe stopped at the bakery, purchased a lamington cake, and came over, and told me how lovely it was to see mother and daughter enjoying a meal together in this day and age, and I should be commended for doing what is right for my baby. She presented me with the lamington cake just as DP came out of Bi-Lo, and told me to keep it up, and ignore the quote "fat old coote and be proud of my beautiful big baby feeding breasts". I have never in my life felt so proud to breast feed. Hope that serves to encourage some of you too.

<3 Serene

[Neenee Jellybeanie]

My ex MIL insisted that I should be giving DD water before she started solids even though I was BFing. All I ever heard was bloody "Look, she's dehydrated, she's thirsty! She needs to drink! GET HER SOME WATER!" God she's a horrible woman. She also demanded that I give up BFing and start FF, and every time I figured out something that was causing probs for DD (for example, at first I was mixing her rice cereal too thick and it contributed to her constipation) she would say "I knew that but I wanted to let you figure it out for yourself". Funny that. She would also say things to me like " ____________ (other mother in the family) is always perfectly clean and tidy and her children never cry, they're so well behaved" wtf? I didn't realize this was a competition.

My parents actually said fairly similar things. I love the way the negative comments always come at times when things are difficult, at the exact times you need support and encouragement. But no, it's so much more fun to be judgemental.

[Dollyroux]

ARGGGHHHHH!
This thread makes me so livid! What has happened to our society that we are so negative and judgemental towards mothers? What happened to nurturing mothers so they can do they're best at nurturing they're children. I feel sorry for the first person who judges the way I mother - after reading this thread, I think I might just bite there heads off!

What can we do to change this? What kind of non-confrontational response can we give that makes people THINK a little about how they treat Mothers and how in turn that affects those Mother bubbies? I despair but also I think that given all YOUR experiences, maybe you (and I, when I get there) can be agents of change...

Hugs to all those who have had to deal with these unthoughtful and horrible people!

[LoveKnowsNoBounds]

Interesting to read this just now! Just came home from the shops after I got a not very nice comment from a lady there. Was in the queue to get a coffee & muffin when my little man was whinging. I made the comment that he was impatient by way of explanation(don't even know why I feel the need to do that!) when she said 'especially with mothers these days'. I couldn't believe it. I was having my one coffee out this week to relax somewhat (as much as you can with a toddler in tow) and she was implying I was dragging him from here to timbuck two. It did hurt my feelings even though I laughed it off as i suffer from PND and comments like that are really not very helpful

[christy]

I get comments all the time. A neighbour told me to smack my 10 month old for crying a lot when she was teething & when I said "No, I don't think a smack would solve anything" She promptly ended our friendship! Seriously... because I wouldn't take her advice and smack my teething baby, she decided I was an inadequate mother and couldn't be around me.

I decided I didn't need someone like that in my life anyway.

[HellRazeD]

Ohhh Jan!
PND can be a royal pain in the butt, but insensitive comments just make it worse! I hope you are OK about it now. I'm not very subtle, but I think I would have told her to shove it! Its cruel the way ppl treat others...

Ya hear that all you know it all cows out there??? Its CRUEL! Give us some SUPPORT for once!!!

There. In the words of Yosemite Sam,
Thar, That'll larn im.

[HellRazeD]

I get comments all the time. A neighbour told me to smack my 10 month old for crying a lot when she was teething & when I said "No, I don't think a smack would solve anything" She promptly ended our friendship! Seriously... because I wouldn't take her advice and smack my teething baby, she decided I was an inadequate mother and couldn't be around me.

I decided I didn't need someone like that in my life anyway.

OH my GOD! Thats just wrong on SO MANY LEVELS!!! A smack is fine for misbehaviour from a 3yo (is thats not your thing, I respect that, but it worked with mine after she played with the heater and nearly burned the house down, so I stand by it when necessary), but a TEETHING 10 month old???

[olliesmum0206]

please help i am at my wits end ! between my mother and MIL- they are both driving me crazy. They treat me as if iam idiot. no matter what i do or say they still keep commenting on everything i do. I am oliver's mother not them, i do not know everything, but i do know what's best for my son. i have snapped at my mother at a few times, but my hubby doesn't back me up when it comes to his mother. anyone got any advice ? i'm desperate and feeling very alone, i'm sick of being made to feel like a bad mother

[Cassius2]

Olliesmum: i think you need to be firm and have a time out from them for awhile. a good friend had a very entering mum who would criticize her parenting, housework, food etc etc, all the while visiting her all the time and not giving her and bubs a moment to themselves to bond as mum and bub. in the end she told her mum that she needed time out, and that she will call her when she is ready, and that her mum is only welcome when invited and is not to pass judgement. it may sound harsh but it was the wake-up call that her mum needed. and their relationship is stronger for it (and the rules have relaxed again and everyone is happy)...

ATM i am getting the whole: 'oh you're still b/f?' comments. they are driving me insane and indoors. i no longer feel comfortable feeding DD in public for fear of overzealous know-it-alls.

[HellRazeD]

ATM i am getting the whole: 'oh you're still b/f?' comments. they are driving me insane and indoors. i no longer feel comfortable feeding DD in public for fear of overzealous know-it-alls.

Cassius, Please try and keep up the confidence to BF in public. I know how hard it is, believe me. Read my little rant above. But just fire back at them, that its best, and why would you NOT do what is best for baby?? I know I can sound a little mean, but it just gets me so IRKED when people are so snooty to think that once you nolonger have a newborn you should stop BFing! I mean really! Take the opportunity to show the world what wonderful and beautiful and FUNCTIONAL breasts you have, and do some much needed educating in the process!

You go girl!

[LoveKnowsNoBounds]

Thanks HellRazed! I just can't believe the cheek of some people. I will try to tell them to shove it next time!

[BellyBelly]

*bump*

BB article on this topic: https://www.bellybelly.com.au/baby/doing-it-wrong

[Taurean]

Great article. My personal issue is with so many people judging me and making me feel uncomfotable about using my sling when my DD is unsettled during the day. I'm good at explaining the benefits of my sling now but I shouldn't have to explain myself. It drives me nuts and I often feel like I'm being watched and judged when I put it on in front of others. Others have made me feel uncomfortable and inadequate as I appear to rely on my sling to settle my daughter during the day. Why should I be made to feel bad for doing something my daughter clearly loves?!

My mum comments that it makes it difficult for anyone else to babysit but I've told her that it's more important that me, the person who is with her 99% of the time can settle her and stay sane instead of me worrying about everyone else!

My MIL said it was 'too hot' and DD shouldn't be held so often as it's uncomfortable for her. Hmmm, she falls asleep in the sling 95% of the time (the rest of the time she just hangs out) so no, dear MIL, I don't think she is uncomfortable.

SIL said that's why she fights day sleeps as the sling is her sleep cue and it's now a habit. She wasn't exactly having a dig but it did make me feel like it was my fault, from using the sling so much, that DD was struggling with day sleeps (unless in the sling)

Friends who don't use a sling (and obviously don't know how good they are!) have made random comments too.

It has been really hard to be criticised and questioned frequently for doing something that is so natural and 'foolproof'. But I'm good at reeling off the benefits for sling wearing now and I'm quick to let people know what works for me and my DD is most important. I should never have been questioned or critised in the first place though.

[Kazzo]

Oh, glad I stumbled across this, I have a friend who gets comments like these all the time from her PIL so I will be passing this on to her to read.

I remember when I had just brought DD1 home from hospital, MIL was over, I was holding Amelia after a feed and she had fallen asleep, MIL came stomping over and picked up Amelia and walked off saying, 'I hate seeing sleeping babies in arms' and headed to my room. I was stunned at first then quickly got up, took Amelia back off her and said.'If you don't like it don't look'. She has since never interferred with me or my girls in that way since.