DS is wunderkind, I know. But even so, he has some rather worrying behaviour.
Yesterday at Nursery he rugby-tackled a little girl to the floor and started to give her loads of kisses. Cute? Can you imagine if this was a couple of teenagers? Not cute. Luckily the girl in question, a few months DS's junior, found it hilarious, as did the nursery workers.
I don't. Well, it is cute at the moment, I suppose, but it is not behaviour I wish to encourage. If the children were 19 and 15 years rather than 19 and 15 months it would be classed as harrassment.
How can you gently discourage this? At home we're very kissy and we do play a bit of rough-and-tumble, but how to teach it's OK at home with consent but not to just random girls who take your fancy?
I don't think I'd worry too much. He'll get to 5 or 6 & suddenly all girls will have cooties til he's about 10.
By then he should be too shy, but old enough to understand how to treat a lady if you start teaching him then.
hmmmmm i wouldn't be comparing behaviour of a toddler to behaviour of an adult, it just doesn't make sense... of course he will know by the time he is 19 that it isn't socially acceptable to crash tackle a girl and smother her in kisses (unless of course they are dating ) until then you just have to gently steer them in the right direction but i wouldn't worry, at this age they can get away with ALOT.... people will understand they are just learning afterall....
for me i'd only be worrying if it was truely negative behaviour, like biting, punching, kicking etc, then i think its a whole different kettle of fish!!
I don't think you can at that age. They are either outgoing and exuberant or introverted and withdrawn. He will "get" that it's innapropriate the first time a girl DOESN'T giggle. It's a natural consequence and extremely unlikely he'll get to 19 years old before he takes a shine to someone who isn't interested. HOnestly i wouldn't worry about it too much hun, it's developmentally appropriate - remember he sees these kids a lot. They're class-siblings to him, and extension of family. And as in every family he'll do it one day and get popped on the nose by some disgruntled toddler and learn that not EVERYONE likes to be jumped on and kissed. Meantime if i were you i'd lie down somewhere accessible and enjoy the kissies!
It's behaviour that another child may not like. Yes, it's not "negative" like biting, but if another child doesn't WANT to be tackled and kissed then that shouldn't happen.
I know I've already had to apologise to little girls on DS's behalf before due to him wanting hugs when the girls don't (yeah, I guess they do change when they grow up!) and prise DS off, but this is one step too far for me.
Emma, I normally do positive modelling and gentle explainations.
DS isn't perfect but he's not too bad. His main failing is running onto the road. Which means we usually use reins or I block him (or play crossing roads with him for hours if it's safe to do so) - if he is getting REALLY insistant and it's dangerous then it's the pushchair. But he's polite and kind and loving, if he does something we don't like then we first distract him, then if he continues we explain we don't do that because... and that seems to work wonders.
But how to let him know it's OK in one situation but not another? I've not really had to do that before, because pushing or biting is never OK so he doesn't do that (much!) to anyone - in fact, I'm the usual victim of that (because DS is tired or hungry so he comes to me then).
I'd love him to do this to me, but I do know that other children don't like him being so loving, especially if they don't know him too well.
My DS is also very kissy kissy and went through a phase at about 18-22 months of age where he would inflict affection on poor unsuspecting children. There was a couple of times when the other child didn't like it and I would explain that it was very nice of him to want to kiss and hug but that little boy/girl just doesn't want a kiss right now and lead him away.
The parents of the "victim" were always fine about it, but once he startled another little boy so much the kid just fell over flat on his back and hit his head. The boy's dad thought it was hilarious thank goodness, and poor DS tried to comfort the other boy by giving him another hug, oh what a mess.
It's stopped now...and I don't think it was anything I did to discourage him, it was just a passing phase.
Thanks for that reassurance - it's so cute when a child doesn't want to be hugged but the other one hugs to say sorry! I really should force DS to learn the word instead.
I just better explain my parenting stance on this one - we have one rule. That's it. Not one rule for a baby and another for a child and it changes again for an adult. Just one rule. If something is not acceptable it doesn't not become acceptable later, just as if we say it's OK to do XYZ then change our minds. Obviously some things will become acceptable later, such as a rating on a film means DS can't watch it until he's older, but it's still a consistant rule - and he can watch films now, just check the age rating first. We won't change the way he behaves towards people, for example rudeness is NOT ok just because he's little then have it change.
If this behaviour is NOT ok for someone a bit older then it's NOT ok as a child. I'm not bringing DS up to think this is OK so long as the little girl "likes it" because quite frankly that's a dark and scary path if an adult treads it and I'm not having DS start down it now - easier to teach it is unacceptable now than to turn back later.
If you're worried about teaching DS personal space rules, try to teach him to ask before he hugs "other people". This is similar to teaching them to ask before patting a dog or a small child (most kids can learn this fairly easily). That way he will grow up with an understanding of consent and respect for other people's bodies.
Maybe you could just suggest he ask the little girl first. Obviously he'll just do it, but when he does, pull him back a bit & say 'ask ******** if she wants a hug.'
Then let him go if she's ok with it. if not try to explain it to him, then distract him with something else.
Thanks Marydean and bjrose. Great ideas, he already knows (or has been told) about patting dogs and I enforce that strictly (I figure cats usually look out for themselves as only one has ever let DS pet him) so I'll make sure we stick to that with other children too. I just don't like telling off for "good" behaviour, but it's still undesirable so I suppose I'll have to. Cuddling is OK, kissing is OK, just ask first.
you've got some great suggestions there, i think explaining that its best to ask first before doing things to other people (hugs, kisses etc) is the way to go, very simple and easy to understand...
i can see logic in your stance of one rule etc, and whats not okay for adults isn't okay for kids, and i guess i agree in theory, but at the same time (and this is just my opinion) i also fall into the category of 'they are only kids once' and i don't place too high expectations on them to understand (to them) complex social boundaries.... of course i will always tell her whats nice and whats not nice, and 'no we don't do that' etc etc.... but for me, i DO think kids can do things that wouldn't be very acceptable for adults to do.... ie dd is often walking around with her hand down her nappy, something that is soooo not socially acceptable to do, but she is at the age where she is exploring, so while i don't like it and don't necessarily encourage it, i don't ask her not to do it either... maybe when she's 2 i'll draw the line there!! the same goes with so many things, like her throwing the sand out the sandpit, i don't like it and i ask her not to do it, but at the end of the day she's having a ball, she's only a baby so i deal with it, where as if she was 3 or 4 then i wouldn't find it as acceptable...
for me i think my levels of acceptance to certain behaviours definitely change to accommodate what developmental stage she is at.... but i've been lucky as she really isn't doing anything that i don't like... oh except her fingers in her mouth all the time, but again, its part of being a baby and while i don't like it, i ignore it as i know its a phase and it will go away.
i guess i've turned out to be a more relaxed mummy than i ever thought i would be, as for most things i can be uptight and controlling, but i guess i've changed my stance on a lot of things to do with dd as time goes on i think you learn more and adapt with how you deal with things and become less rigid perhaps...
the joys of parenting!!! It definitely has to be one of the hardest jobs as what works with one child doesn’t work with the other!
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How to deal with THIS?
) until then you just have to gently steer them in the right direction but i wouldn't worry, at this age they can get away with ALOT.... people will understand they are just learning afterall....
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