Back at work and feeling guilty / sad

[redgum]

I have my own business - set up when I was pregnant. I didn't know how I would feel after I had the baby and thought it would all be OK, DH has taken 7 months paternity leave to help with the bub and the business... DD is 7 weeks old and this week I started back at work, I am finding it incredibly difficult emotionally to be back at work and away from my DD even though I am leaving her with DH or MIL. I feel stressed out and guilty all the time and I miss her so much. The thing is we set up this business for the greater good of the family, but it is proving to be so much harder than what I anticipated...

[Junglemum]

That must be so hard. I don't have any advice but I can tell you that I found it very difficult to leave my babies in the first 12 months of their lives. Even with family, I think mums are built to feel like that. We nourish and protect our babies, they need us and we need them.

Any way you can put your business on hold for a while?

[Epacris]

Huge, huge, huge hugs I know how you feel. Those tiny babies sure wrap themselves around your heart don’t they.

Are you back at work full-time? Is there some way (any way?) you can reduce your hours/days at work? Maybe work from home, or work other hours? Then you can build back up again when you are ready. Can you pop back and see her at lunchtime? I was lucky enough to be able to ease myself back into work and gradually build up my time away from bubs. For me it did get easier as I got used to it and as bubs got older.

[Aussiegirl777]

Oh Pumpgirl....how sad that you are feeling this way. It must be so hard for you. Is there any way that you can do half days at the shop? When I go back (and I'm not planning on it until August) I'm only planning on doing half a day a week to ease back into it. Not saying that you only do half a day a week but if your DH has leave to help with the shop and your DD maybe you can do half days instead of full days and he can do the other half? I hope everything works out for you.

[redgum]

Thanks Junglemum and Rachael - sadly, I can't work from home as it is a shop and we need to staff the shop and while it's building we can't have staff in there all the time instead of us. DH is doing most of the work, but I feel bad for him as he wants to spend time with DD too. I am only working P/T but that is hard enough... I was OK with working before I had her - I worked up to the day I gave birth, but since having her I just want to be with her all the time and feel like I should be... I just can't shake the heartache and the guilt of not being here all the time. Whenever I see mummies come into the shop with their bubs I feel very jealous that I can't just take the year off to be with her. On top of that I don't know what we are going to do when DH goes back to work - I guess i didn't really think this through very well last year ??!! DH has said a few times that we shouldn't have started the business and had a baby at the same time, but we are in so deep that we can't turn back now... I am very fearful of ending up with PND because of it, but I know that I need to try and be strong and power on through...

[Epacris]

Can you take her to the shop. They don't really do all that much at the moment. Can you hide her in a sling under a jacket? She could peak out and be a great talking point with customers? (or are these all just really stupid suggestions... sorry). More hugs?

[redgum]

Thx Aussiegirl, I knew you would understand, it's tough hun. I am regretting it big time, don't get me wrong I LOVE the shop, but I just can't handle it at the moment.... I wish I could only do one half day a week, but I need to share it with DH. It isn't fair that he takes off this time to spend with W only to be pushed into the shop for 7 months while I stay at home with her myself. I just feel trapped!

[redgum]

Rachel - I do take her to the shop when I can. She sleeps in the pram, and when she is a little older I will put her in a baby bjorn. I can't have her there when she is crying though... All my customers love it when she is there so that's lucky. I just hope it get's easier! AND - definitely not stupid suggestions!!!! Thx for your hugs - I sure need it right now!

[Epacris]

It isn't fair that he takes off this time to spend with W only to be pushed into the shop for 7 months while I stay at home with her myself.

Actually pumpgirl, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say actually it is more important for you to be with your DD right now than you DH. I’m not saying that he shouldn’t be part of her life, absolutely he should, but YOU, at 7 weeks old, if you can, if it’s a choice between you and your DH, I say, should be the one to be with her for most of the time. JMHO of course. Could you talk to your DH about it and perhaps tweak the balance a bit, just for the next few months, then you can review it again and tweak it again. Those raging mummy hormones pulsing around your body are there for a reason and it is so, so, so hard, you can’t just turn them off. You’ve already mentioned PND, if you can make some adjustments now, you might be preventing an even more serious situation that would have a much greater impact on your business and family.

[Junglemum]

I kind of agree with Epacris. my DH had to work long hours and it was hard for both of us in different ways. in my mind a tiny baby needs mum so much in those first few months, they need to bond with dad too but I think they rely more on mum. Of course that changes but initially I pretty much had the girls all the time, except for a late bath and overnight when DH would help. I kind of think nature makes it that way, and it is how it is for lots of families, so don't feel bad about it. Those hormones that make a mum protective and need to be with their baby are very strong.

Have you spoken to your hubby about how you feel?

[ladybird11]

Big hugs hun!

I agree with Epcaris. But how do you think your DH would feel about it? Or any chance your MIL could do some hours at the shop?

[redgum]

Hi Ladies,

Thanks for your support. I had a big think about everything last night and a talk to DH... We have decided that we will do "full" days at the shop each, that way we can have "full" days each at home with DD. We have worked out that I will do 2.5 days and he will do 3.5 days and we will have one day off a week as a family. I have to try and remember that I am leaving her with her dad not with a stranger and that he is just as capable of caring for her as I am.. As she is no longer BF (due to supply and latching issues early on) he is just as capable of caring for her as I am. I know that he really wants to spend this time with her as he will be going back to work in November and has a very full on job so won't be home much - I can't take that away from him despite how I feel about leaving her myself. We are a family unit and both deserve time with our little cherub. I think if I work full days rather than half day every day of the week it means I will be able to put my head in whatever space I am in (either business or bub) that way I can fully enjoy whatever it is that I am doing. I love our business and I want to make it successful. I need to not loose sight of why we set the business up in the first place - to allow for future flexibility for when our children go to school (I didn't have that when I was in corporate work). Also, I think that as I am no longer BF my AF is on it's way back so that is really playing havoc with my emotions right now - it would never be easy to be separated from my bub, but I know that EVERYTHING feels a zillion times worse right now as I am emotionally unstable. I feel this is the right solution for all of us and I just need to be sure not to loose sight of what we are doing and where we are headed... Thank you for your support (and hugs). No doubt I will have another meltdown - I just need to be reminded of the above.